Today was a blast!


Started off with my usual fashion crisis, couldn't figure out how to wear the skirt without looking like a martian, so I just brought it along to change into after service. That was when I realised the skirt could fit two of me. So we were in the toilet pulling, pulling, pulling, in an attempt to tighten it without having it look extremely weird, but... Failed. Then along came Dawn and within seconds, she saved the day! Well I just had to wear it differently from the rest. Unique, alright. :D


The wedding was really cool. Of course, since it's a beach wedding! And it's so exciting being there when your friends tie the knot. Thank God for Malcolm and Jessie and for everything running so smoothly.


Was talking to Eleanor, yeah, perhaps it's really God's will. As much as I've accepted it, I do question why. As much as I've gotten over it, I sometimes feel a tinge of hurt. Oh well, can't describe it. Cos it feels like I don't care. Actually I do, perhaps I'm simply running away for the time being. Like what I always do. But anyhow, that aside, thanks sis. :)


I've got loads of retarded stuff to talk about accumulated over the week but I shall spare the corny details.


Welcome back GENIUS! Even though you're flying off for a while again. Joanne comes back this Sat, and Diane the next. Awesome!


I need to give my time.

No Greater Love

Before I knew Your Name
You knew my every breath
Before I found my way
You knew my every step
Before I knew everything that I need
You gave it all to me


No greater love than this
That You should lay down Your life
For someone such as me
I'd spend a lifetime wondering why
The beauty of Heaven is here in my heart
And I know there can be
No greater love than this


I never understood
How merciful love could be
Until I felt His flame
Light every part of me
And I would give everything that I am
Cause I have been saved
Yes, I have been saved


No greater love than this
That You should lay down Your life
For someone such as me
I'd spend a lifetime wondering why
The beauty of Heaven is here in my heart
And I know there can be
No greater love


The Beauty of Heaven is here in my heart
And I know there can be no greater love
For someone such as me
No greater love than this

It's been 4 years since I've changed my template. After having spent more than 4 hours re-creating one, it now looks like ten thousand other blogs and I think my previous template's cuter! Oh well, this is still original in its own sense. Even though I'm a big cheater when it comes to "creating" skins. Wahaha.


Had an extremely slack week at work. Technically, I'd only worked for two and one-third days. In addition, I spent so many hours Facebook-ing I did wonder if I was at the correct place. But the passing of messages to the workers made up for that I guess. Getting calls at 5am, 7am (made me realise how peaceful it was with my phone switched off), msgs that are weird, sick and plain nasty and all that nonsense. Thank God I didn't send any nasty replies, I'd do that in a second last time. Hmm, I could be really mean then.


I really can't complain about work. It's reasonable, minus the environment (which I've only got two words for), minus the calling, which did bring loads of harassment. But like what some helpful person said (lol), it's better they vent their frustrations on me by insulting me, than to kill someone on the streets. Ha, I've always found myself to be soooooooooo noble, you can't deny that now. =.= Thank God for the whole experience. Ain't much, but I do know my limits.


Thank God for seeing me through the week, it's been mentally exhausting. Thank God for the words of encouragement, thank God for the weekend. :) Really tired of thinking of all that so for now, I'm taking a break. The picture says it all.


Now there's no one to talk to me in the wee hours cos they'll all be in Malaysia boohoo. Lol. Have a great time, everyone! :D


Take this sinking boat
And point it home

I've taken 2 days off from work as had I gone in this state, I'd have wrecked something in the office or flared up at someone, I'm a tad emotionally unstable these few days. No beyond that, I've got pressing matters to settle. Last night was horrible, was really stressed up and about to completely lose it. But thank you for talking to me until 2 a.m. even when you had to get up at 6 plus. I felt so much more at peace after that. :)


"God is more concerned about your character than your comfort. His goal is to conform you into the likeness of His Son. Yes, He loves you the way you are, but He loves you too much to let you stay that way. You have too many people to impact for His Kingdom that you can’t influence until more of Christ is seen in you."


Lord,
Help me to put my trust in You, and You alone
Help me to not be affected by the world, to not see things the way the world does but the way You do and the way You want me to
Help me to take a step of faith, that I'll eventually end up where You will me to
Help me to be still and know that You are God, to take heart that You are in control
Help me to seek first Your kingdom
Help me, through this, to fulfil Your ultimate purpose.


Dear Child,
God does not say to you today, be strong
He knows how long the road has been
How weary you've become
For He who walked this earthly land alone
Each boggy lowland and each rugged hill, understands
And so He simply says, be still
Be still and know that I am God
The hour is late and you must rest a while
Hold up your cup, dear child, for God to fill
As slow rain fills an empty cup
All He says of us is
"Be still and know that I am God"


Thanks. I'll keep praying, I'll keep trusting.


In dark times, the difference for Christians is not the absence of the shadow, but the presence of the light.


Thank You, Lord.

After having hung out with normal people for a couple of hours which allowed me to have my emotions stabilised and mind composed to think more sensibly and rationally, I've come to a conclusion. Not taking into account any external factor... How can I complain? How can I blame anyone? How can I? Press on. I've got to. His grace is sufficient, always is.


Val came over to my place this evening. And this is one mean friend I've got. My mum asked her, "Valerie, you came to stay over tonight?" And she replied, "No, I just came to scold Ruth." WHAT KIND OF A FRIEND IS THIS! Hahahahaha. Nahh, thank God for you killer. Really thank God that you came today, it was so timely. Thank you for caring so much, I truly appreciate it. :)


All this while I haven't had much time to think about it nor been in the mood to bother. But now that "no news is good news" no longer holds with the bad news that came, I'd be lying if I said I don't care. In fact, I'm starting to worry. But as so rightly said, why should we only give thanks when He showers us with blessings but not when He gives us trials and uncertainties? What's more, mine isn't even a life-and-death matter. Proverbs 3: 5, 6!


"Cos you need to have my intelligence", was my reply about a donkey's-years-ago matter we talked about. And guess what, I said that to one of VJ's top students! LOL!


I've decided not to pick up any nameless calls for the next few weeks. So if you've changed your number or are using your 5th phone line, toooooo baaaaaaad.


Should I perform with CCO this time? The idea of an Esplanade performance thrills me, but not that of spending National Day in Malaysia. And I have to give a reply really soon. How how how? :/

Felt like crap yesterday but I'm feeling better now after getting it off my chest. It's great telling someone, cos I obviously can't blog about it. Was rather tired, then came a prig, got me pretty pissed and it actually stuck till and through Vibe, even the most insignificant stuff annoyed me. My moods do get the better of me, I wasn't very nice to the people around, wasn't gonna volunteer to help, wasn't about to listen to anyone if I didn't feel like it. Yeah, felt really bad about it. I'm sorry.


"Humility is estimating your worth under the might of God, being aware of your weaknesses, not being conscious of others' strengths in comparison to yours."


Lord, teach me to be humble, not to feel that I'm better than anyone else, not to think that I'm doing such a huge favour to others. As this says it all, "For who am I to serve You, I know I don't deserve You". So many things and opportunities You've given me that I don't deserve. I shouldn't be thinking of proving anything to anyone, of anything else but glorifying You.


Alright. Happier stuff. I promised to blog about this, so I will. Someone went mountain-climbing in Kota Kinabalu in office wear and destroyed her shoes as a result. Guess who. Lol! :D


Other amusing stuff, and an extremely lame "joke" of the week.


My mum: Don't you ever go up the Singapore Flyer, you understand?
Me: I just did.


"I'm rooting for Adam to win American Idol."
"Well, you'll see him tomorrow anyway."
"Please explain?"
"Adam Rd."


Thinking of tomorrow makes me wanna cry but by His grace, I'll survive another week.

Thank God for sustaining me this week. Wasn't that bad really, other than several occassions I was really tired of all that sai kang, getting yelled at and having the phone hung up on me cos I couldn't understand them and vice versa, and... People. The reason I really appreciate being alone nowadays. Well I thought I was done with the calling but I had to call the list of 200 odd again. On top of hating Chinese, I'm now hating the telephone.


Was rather freaked out on thursday, prayed so hard and thank God I was just scaring myself. Decided not to tell my parents, they'd probably get me to quit lol. It was paranoia I guess, but at that time I was really scared and I was like, THANK GOD THANK GOD THANK GOD at the end of it. Must have been the first time I was so happy to see a packed train lol. You could ask me if you wanna know what happened, there's stuff I don't wish to say here cos it's so scarily public. And yeah, lesson learnt, haha.


Thank God that I could go for Uth yesterday! And thank God for the message. Reminded me of this video, felt really blessed after watching it. Thanks Diane! :)


And because my comp has decided to be extremely annoying, I'm unable to post the video up, so here's the link if you wish to watch it.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6DCDApaqRhA


Love FM Static's latest album! Green Day's is not bad too. :D


What's this little uncertainty, this little exhaustion, compared to what others have experienced? Are we singing?

Rare to be home on a sunday afternoon. Back from Campus Retreat and suffering from after-camp withdrawals. Well it's the usual feeling I get after camps. After a coupla days of whackiness and having people around you, it feels empty coming back to a silent house. Maybe it's just me and this time, it's only for one night.


The camp was fantastic, activities and all. The workshop was just so, wow. We were taught how to study the bible, was really detailed, to the point that it got too deep, for me that is. Been wondering how to study the bible and I was pretty blown away by all that dissecting. Which also made me realise how little I know, how much time and effort I have to put in. Thank God for the workshop and Brother Peter, I really learnt loads. The discussions, lessons, reminders, not to mention corrections. And thank God for the camp, for the labourers, the messages, the food, the games, the weather, every single activity, every single person and every single moment. Really love such camps, it's so... Warm. Haha. And someone needs to be nicer to her leg(s). :D


So after the retreat at Sembawang, it'll be a week's retreat at, uh, Lakeside Island. Z.z.z.


"A saint's life is in the hands of God like a bow and arrow in the hands of an archer. God is aiming at something the saint cannot see, but our Lord continues to stretch and strain, and every once in a while the saint says, 'I can't take any more.' Yet God pays no attention; He goes on stretching until His purpose is in sight, and then He lets the arrow fly. Entrust yourself to God's hands."


Press on, press on.


Thankful for the friends around, who never fail to listen and encourage. Thank God for you all, who have been tremendous blessings. :)

That was one BLAZING HOT performance on American Idol! But of course, I'm not here to comment on that.


DHSCO was awesome today with the choice piece. Right from the first shout, to the reverberation following the drum beats, to Daniel's solo, to the very last note, the entire performance just made my hair stand on end. Yup, Gold with Honours, cheered like anything when they announced cos after all, it's a very special debut. With that, DHSCO has made a clean sweep with 3 GWH awards - Senior High, Junior High, Guzheng!


I thought I wouldn't care. But I did. Seeing many of them in tears just reminded me of the same occassion two years back when we had the same feeling, when we were the ones in tears. It sure hurts and all that "you gave your best" talk doesn't work as good as it sounds. Cos the fact remains. And I guess the worst part is having to go to school the next day, indignance and all. But at least they have a concert, so the end isn't as abrupt. Take this as a platform to achieve much more during the concert. And really, the bond forged can never be bought with an Honours, as I came to learn. The award doesn't define the orchestra; the Victorian spirit does. Now for the concert!


Now that I've landed myself in this, I'm thinking, maybe I don't really want it anymore. Or maybe I'm just scared. Yes, I'm pretty scared. Lord, help me, teach me, guide me.


Be proud, be very very proud.

Recalled a sermon preached some time back. The hardest word, "No". Times when we want something really badly, it's just so hard to accept it when God tells us, "No". Even when we know He has a better plan, that He makes no mistakes, we're busy shoving that thought out cos we just WANT IT.


Felt pretty down throughout the day after the interview. Wasn't bad, but wasn't good either. Guess I felt annoyed that I only said half of what I wanted to (always happens). Yeah, couldn't get my thoughts to flow all that smoothly and didn't manage to say much too. But well, after feeling moody for the whole afternoon and "celebrating my depression" with my depressed buddy, I feel more insightful now. Hahaha okay not really. But yeah, perhaps He wants something better for me. He has the perfect plan. Jesus, take the wheel.


Empty me
Of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition
And the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord, empty me of me
So I can be filled with you


All the best, DHSSHCO and VJCO! I know I'm terribly missed, so I'll give every ounce of moral support from the audience seat. Hahaha. Enjoy the music! :)


Thank God for friends like these, thank God for times like these. Thank you, for being such a blessing. :)

Woohoo! Thank God for the splendid time at Labrador Park with the youths today, thank God for the awesome weather and fun! Dog and bone, charades, CAPTAIN'S BALL, monkey, volleyball, BRIDGE (we basically just planted ourselves there and played forever) haha. :D


Just when I thought my nightmare with interviews was over, I recently received notifications for two supposed interviews. Supposed as I haven't got the details for the more important one and as for the other, I don't even feel like going for it. And for the former, there wasn't even supposed to be an interview for that! S-C-A-M. Hoooooooooooow????? :( :( :( I wish university applications were as straightforward as applying for JCs (not that I went through the process, which brings me to another point). DSA!


Oh well leaving that aside for a moment, I'm so looking forward to wednesday. There's gonna be an exciting line-up of performances during the SYF! Just look at this.


7. Victoria Junior College 11.20am
8. Dunman High School (Senior High) 11.40am
9. Hwa Chong Institution (College) 12.00pm


Wow! Furthermore, it's DHSSHCO's first, taking part in the JC category. Can't wait to be blown away!


I'll sleep earlier today. My sleeping hours are as erratic as my eating habits, it's no wonder I'm this size and shrinking.


*shudders*

Thank God for Blueprint and Vibe yesterday! That thought which really struck me, if our loved ones and friends were stuck in a building during a fire, would we not dash in to save them? Struggle, struggle, struggle. Keep praying and have faith. Thank God for the effective time of memory work on the bus. I did what I could, cos I get giddy reading on the bus. So thank God yay.


Vibe! Other than a "Bali explosion" (hilarious but extremely retarded and not to mention embarrassing lol), all was well and peaceful. Well I was there for only a short while, didn't do much, so my hand is working great. Or perhaps I'm just getting better at this. Hahaha sure. Indeed a privilege, for who am I?


Just some days ago, someone guessed that I'm 17 and was shocked when I revealed my real age. Yes, I'm feeling smug about that. Lol.


Super tired right now, I can't imagine how people can survive on 6 hours of sleep when here I am feeling sluggish and dead. That long walk in ECP didn't help either (long cos we were walking at snail pace), after it'd rained and with my holy holey shoes. I shall greet my pillow soon.


I wanna hit the pool again!

To sum up my day simply, I was on tenterhooks from morning till afternoon. What with the waiting for DHSCO to go on stage, worrying about getting to SMU in time (I left SCH at 9.55am and got there at 10.05am, thank God for the cab driver), feeling afraid and uneasy waiting for the interview (thank God for Val's reminder - go in faith), going in realising that was only the first part of the interview so the nerves returned as we waited for the second part again, fretting that I'd not catch the morning results in time, and the moment of truth.


Let's start with the interview, which I thought would last for half an hour at most. But my spirits were dampened when the guy said, "I will be facilitating the first hour of your interview." Which required us to look at posters, read an article (which due to my zombified state, sleeping only 3 hours the night before, and concern about the SYF, I drifted off), answer some questions on paper and watch a video. The second hour was the actual interview. So the interviewers showed us some slides (6 of us) and before I even warmed the seat they said, "Alright, Ruth, you may start first." Thankfully the "HUH" I was about to exclaim was caught in my throat. Yeah, so began the interview which was, really interesting.


"How many words are there in the Straits Times newspaper on a typical Monday?" You have 3 minutes to write down your assumption, derive a model, come up with steps and give your answer. After which you'll share.


That, was the bomb. The interview on the whole was as I said, interesting. (Shan't elaborate otherwise it'll fill up a page on the Straits Times.) But I doubt I'm gonna make it, simply cos 1. I totally didn't make sense, and 2. I totally didn't make sense. Yeah, you get it. Really thank God for guiding me through this. Cos I absolutely am not able to do such a thing, be it speaking what I'm thinking, giving wise opinions on an article, general knowledge, etc. Thank God for Val's encouraging words that calmed me a little, for everyone's well wishes (special mention to Diane for msging me from Australia!) and of course, thank God for a fantastic learning experience! And I charged down to SCH after that.


Yay for I made it back in time but my heart aches for my two cab rides today. Oh well, I'm not cabbing for the next 6 months. Can't deny I was nervous while waiting for the results. I watched their performance, thought it was great, would have expected an Honours but situations have taught me never to be complacent and take things for granted. Was about to suffer from a 7th bout of heart attack when finally it came.


"Orchestra No. 40
Dunman High School
Gold with Honours"


My response? "WOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!!!!!!!" And credit me for not crying, thank you. Well that's just a title that'll fade 2 years later. But what goes beyond is the pride from seeing the juniors mature. Responsibility, skills, stage presence, it's always an awesome at the same time indescribable delight. No one was ever born to fly but we always try, and we never stop learning, we never stop growing. Much more to go but it'll all be worth it in the end.


I could type a 2000-word essay on SYF on the whole but I shan't do that. That'll fill up another page on the Straits Times and work better than sleeping pill. So for now, let's conclude with........... THREE CHEERS FOR DHSCO!!!!!!!


Thank God for one remarkable (to)day!

Wow, there're already 3 schools awarded the Honours today. That was the total number awarded our year on all 3 days. I expected only 2 today. And there's a number of really good schools scheduled on the third day. Oh well, everyone keeps getting better. They should just raise the bar for Honours to 90 marks. Lol.


"You are the music while the music lasts."


Let's go.

Thank God for Street E today! The Blueprint students had to go out for practical and learn from our trainers. I "fished" while Catherine "fed", lol. It was rather discouraging initially as Cat didn't manage to share the full Gospel with the first two people we encountered. But there was some time left, so we decided to walk for a bit, praying that the full Gospel could be shared once and that a soul would be saved. Soon after, we met a Filipino, Cat shared and all, and she accepted Christ! She was really nice, very friendly, even asked to take a picture with us. Thank God for leading us to this lady and for her heart to be touched.


I shan't pretend I don't care cos I do. But accolades come and go. No one's gonna remember a flawless, technical performance. But you will remember that one moment when you were touched by your own music. No regrets, okay?


Wednesday is gonna be one exciting day. It just has to be that my SMU interview's an hour after DHSCO's scheduled to take the stage. I can already picture myself having a panic attack on tuesday night cos I've yet to prepare anything. Which brings me to the point, I need to stop living by "I don't really care".


Thank You, for letting me realise that even the simplest things can bring much joy. Not about me, but what You've done.


Your will be done.

Thank God for the past week! The excitement of rather dangerous dashing across roads, prompting a Caucasian to yell in surprise, "YOU ALL JUST RAN ACROSS THE ROAD LIKE THAT?!?!?!?!" hahaha but well I'm still alive, Good Friday, and Easter! :D :D


It was a truly amazing, amazing day yesterday, the CCWO Easter Outreach. Undeniably the most meaningful event I've used my dizi for. It used to be about the volume of approval shouts, number of times we played the encore, Gold with Honours awards. Now it's about the number of hands raised during the altar call, not because the performances were remarkable, but because God used us to touch people.


I can't believe I wore a qipao (pink at that), lol. Thank God for the courage to don it, really. No one else will ever succeed in getting me to wear one. If any orchestra had requested us to wear it, I'd quit. And the court shoes I borrowed had such high heels I couldn't walk properly. To sum it up, I felt like a robot haha. But yeah, there's a first time for everything! Was praying fervently before I went onstage that I wouldn't trip and fall, and Thank God I didn't! Never mind the awkward staggering HAHAHA. Thank God that everything went smoothly, thank God for the people who came, thank God for Teresa and Martha for helping me with the qipao, make-up, hair etc., thank God for every single person's labour, thank God for this privilege to be a part of this (though I did very little, really thank God that I could do something with my dizi). Of course, thank God for the 29 people who trusted the Lord! :)


Not just another holiday, but a time to commemorate what Jesus did on the Cross for us. Pain that exceeds any form of imagination, love that transcends what we can ever comprehend. It is, the Greatest Love.


Thank You, Lord!

Attended bible study for the first time today. Was great, very in-depth teaching and got me thinking of some stuff which I shan't mention here, it's kinda... Personal.


"The heart of salvation is the Cross of Christ. The reason salvation is so easy to obtain is that it cost God so much. The Cross was the place where God and sinful man merged with a tremendous collision and where the way to life was opened. But all the cost and pain of the collision was absorbed by the heart of God."


Was truly amazed when I read this. This pain, we can only imagine.


Just spent about an hour typing something and in the end, I decided to delete it all. I've got too much time to spare.

That part of me, which went missing some time back, which remains missing. I've been wondering where did it go to, why did it even go. But it struck me, what if, maybe, it just took me sixteen years to discover myself. The past is so distinct, but equally untouchable. Wanting to be what it is. But it could already be what it is. The shell that has cracked open, that missing part could be part of the shell that has cracked, it's never gonna be pieced together again and that leaves the inside as the genuine... Me.


Shells aside, we played table tennis yesterday! It was fun, not to mention funny. Hahaha. Haven't played in ages.


Pretty random, but thought of a hilarious conversation.


"She used to play the violin."
"Why doesn't she play anymore?"
"I don't know, maybe the violin cracked. I used to play the trumpet, but not anymore."
"Why not, cos the trumpet cracked?"
"No, the windows cracked."


Something else that got me laughing till my sides ached. The fact that Audrey irons her testimonials. Just picture her with an iron, ensuring that her fantastic testimonials are pressed right down without a centimetre of crumple, at the same time taking anal measures such that she wouldn't burn a millimetre into her papers. Hahahaha. Gosh, this is utterly amusing.


My voice is therapeutic, proven and certified, many times over. I can already hear someone going *imitate* "urhhhhhhhhh".


Valerie prefers me unemployed. LOOOOOOL~


I need a haircut.

I'm like spamming blog entries today. Just received a card from UK. THANKS ZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE :D It's a rather long one, awwww. Miss you too, quick come back and we can have many sleepovers!


JC wasn't exactly the most fun period of my life, but come to think of it, I do miss some of the crazy moments during CO practices. Laughing and laughing non-stop, lol. The saddest fact about Woodwinds, you either laugh OR you play properly. No idea why we had so many random laughing fits but well, it was fun. Other than laughing at the wrong moments and getting some glares from the conductor, and the time Mr Teo had been standing behind us all the while but we didn't realise. Lol.


Don't look back at those days. I'm extremely shy and quiet now.

Thank God, I'm done with my applications! Finally, after putting it off for so long. And thank God that there're no discrepancies, otherwise I'll just get a heart attack. Haven't applied for SIM, wondering if I should do so. Everything looks really confusing, expensive and ludicrous. And SMU is one troublesome school.


The world out there's indeed small. Favian knows Yinhao!


Before I forget, thank you all for the belated birthday presents and cards. And an advance thank you for "present part 2", with the MIA cavewoman. Wahaha. :D

Chaotic, crazy, cranky, crabby. To sum up my emotions and the week in a... C. Dotz. Thank God it got better. But my patience has been very thin the past two weeks. Resulted in my dad blowing his top a few days ago. I'm sorry if I sound snappish, maybe you'll prefer not to step on a land mine.


Been feeling stifled and all that crappy stuff and crying in bed in weird hours of the morning. But I'm really not in a depressed state, I just cry extremely easily and I think it's quite a blessing otherwise I'll just explode. Anyway, that's not the point. I was feeling the same way few mornings ago, so I msged Valerie. Not that I expected a call or reply from her at that kinda time, but just wanted to tell someone. After which I somehow fell asleep and when I woke up many hours later, I saw her reply, "................. look under your computer keyboard". So I suspiciously lifted it up and... There was a letter from her! I was tremendously shocked, she apparently snuck in sometime, placed it there and vanished. Was so moved to tears when I read it. Not to mention that she actually came down to deliver a letter for a few seconds. Thank you killerrrrrr. And a big thank you to you all (you know who you are) for your prayers, advice, encouragement and "how are yous". Am really touched, thank God for the people around me.


Yesterday's VIBE was a blast. My first time helping out with the drinks, doing the mocktails. SO COOL. It was so fun shaking the drinks! I don't think I'm shaking correctly but yeah... It's still fun lol. Minus the fact that I took half a day before succeeding in piak-ing the cup out (my hand still hurts), a few scary moments, sudden mountains of orders that nearly killed my fragile hand, couple of wrong orders and wrong stuff added... HAHA. Oh no. And someone ordered a "green-coloured drink" but the drink I gave the person was yellow. And the person said, "This is the green-coloured drink?" But he/she decided to just give that to the person who ordered lol. I was quite guilty but super amused too hehe. Oops. Took me 5 minutes to realise, I obviously added the wrong thing. The person wanted Island Punch but I gave half a... The drink that starts with K. Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry! Heheh but it was seriously loads of fun, thanks everyone for your patience, guidance and for helping this amateur piak cups and open stuff. <3 Yays thank God for this opportunity to serve :)


Today's a gross day. It was raining heavily, involves my bag and shoes. Figure out the rest yourself. Bleah.


Guess I'm pretty well-rested physically, other than weekends, but yeah, I probably have double the amount of sleep a nineteen-year-old has. But mentally... Not so. Argh.


I'm pushing my applications to later again... Looking at how I'm procrastinating, I might as well just push all the way till next year. :/


I don't know how, I really don't. I need a starting point. What's my first step?

So that's it, eh? Certainly makes sense but I still can't figure out what to do.


I lost my temper just now, still feeling peeved about it but, whatever.


Much as I long to spill my woes, it's just not me to do that. Seems like ever since I entered JC I've lost the ability to communicate. Sudden change? Maybe.


Guess I'm indeed secretly depressed. (That's why we're such good friends)


When this silence gets way too deafening.

My recent posts sure are gloomy and whiney. If I could type these in Greek I would. Been feeling moody the past week, but I've no idea why. Loads of mixed feelings, partially due to the headache of university applications, which I'll close my eyes to complete soon. Honestly, I don't really care about that, zzz.


My dad's been asking me the same questions every single day as usual. Marvellous, ain't it, to go on and on and on. And on and on. And on. Annoying but pretty much bearable. I'll just ignore him and pretend that I already know a lot about the courses, which I obviously don't. What's really getting on my nerves is that my parents seem to be taking turns to ask me the same questions / insult me / remind me that I didn't do well for my A levels and the whole world did. Heh, when you really want to accept everything but somehow you can't.


"You did badly for your A's, do you know? Do you know? Do you know?" (times infinity)


I do wonder if I was really born into this family. No seriously. Hah. I'm sooo different from everyone else, my parents, uncles, cousins. I expect really little, but then again, I'm less compelled to achieve.


"Why do you wanna throw your life away?"


My family freaks me out sometimes. Or rather, most of the time. In ways that are best not mentioned here.


"X did very well for her exams, Y got a prize for doing well. Why can't you put in effort in your studies?" (Who cares about studying)


Was pondering over this before, whether a parent would prefer their child be easily contented or sink into depression so readily due to sky-high expectations. Of course, the best is to have a balance, to which my neither myself nor some others isn't considered to be.


"This student from JJC got straight A's, you can't even get a single A."


Results aren't everything, so people say. And they really shouldn't be. But sadly, for these circumstances, for these people, they are.


I'm rather immune to my relatives' never-ending talk about academic results. But for my parents to constantly say that, it's above annoying, it's... Discouraging. Extremely. Wasn't even let off during my birthday celebration. On top of the insults in front of everyone (what's new), when I was making a birthday wish... "You should wish for yourself to wake up and not be contented with such terrible grades."


You could say one thing and do another. And then we realise, it's so hard to let God write our life stories. So hard.


Our troubles are really small aren't they. When you compare them to what different people from different places are experiencing. But somehow they always seem so magnified at that instant.


Nah I'm not on the road to depression. I'm just, not so happy. Suppressed, bombarded, alone. I know I'm not alone, but, ah well. Or perhaps I'm on the brink of schizophrenia. Gasp.


Don't ask me about my PM. It's nothing material. You'll either not understand, or think I'm mad. So yeah.


It shouldn't be this way...


Can people not be so busy? Uh, I guess I'm too free.

Cry out.


Hello? Is anyone there?


Silence...

Sometimes I wish I didn't cry like a damaged dam. Zzz. I'm not exactly here for you to scold every single day, lose your temper and hurl insults at when you're all of a sudden not very happy. I don't get these swings, but I'm not very fond of them. I'm puzzled enough as it is. I wanna make a decision soon too, but I can't. Yes, that person has got this, that person has got that. I'm not "that person".


When you're trying hard not to look back but the people around you just have to remind you...


Kinda wish you're here, maybe I could distract myself by talking about these simple, unimportant things. But then again, maybe not.


Right now, I wish I could disappear from this cacophony.


My fault, my fault, all my fault.


*disappears*

Huijin owes me dinner cos I'm helping her vet so many essays for her scholarship applications. Hrmmmm.


I wanna live like a recluse these few days.

I feel like this.

And I shouldn't be. I do not have the stress of exams on my back, neither do I have the woes of working life. I'm just a jobless, aimless nineteen-year-old slacking no end. Perhaps that's why. A person having too little to do and too much time to spare, starts pondering about life in the wee hours. My life. Was on the phone with Val the entire bus journey from church, was telling her of my sudden thought last night, that I've probably thrown my life away. Well it isn't half as serious as it sounds, but you know, our little decisions here and there can bring much grief to the ones dearest to us. While I'm not thinking much about the years I've slacked away, while I'm ever thankful for my miles from decent results, I've unknowingly hurt my parents so much. They don't really tell it to me but it can be seen from how my dad's been worrying over university courses, printing out sheets of information for me, and how my mum's trying to hide all that with cynical comments to my relatives. There's no way I can relive the years again, and sermons always tell us not to look back. But each time I accidentally overhear my talking about me, it's enough to feel her frustrations. No nasty words, just how she truly feels. And it makes me question why I'm so unmotivated and directionless.


Pick myself up... I've got no strength, I've got no zeal.


I feel extremely confused. Courses are one thing. Besides Social Science, I don't really know what else to consider. And it's not like I REALLY WANT to do Social Science. My parents are telling me loads of stuff , my mum doesn't think I should apply for social science. I honestly don't know what I wanna do in future and I'm having a headache just thinking of the courses. Of course, not my will, but Yours. But what is Your will?


Then there's the struggle with surrendering. Being the centre of God's will. Letting God take control. But not really being able to do so. Sometimes unwilling to do so as I don't wish to do something I don't like. Surrender... I don't think I understand this word anymore.


I'm beginning to not know how to express myself. I find it tough doing the simplest of stuff, like talking to someone. I'm way too face-conscious.


It's all becoming a routine once more.

I don't feel like doing anything.

If I only had humility.

Lord, Help.

What an awesome nineteenth! :)


Went to meet Siqian at PS, walked and sat around while waiting for Mimi to have dinner. Oh, I saw Dione! She was walking around waiting for her vocal lessons. Yeah, at one point I was in the washroom and when I came out, Chia Wen was with Siqian. Was pretty surprised as I didn't know she'd be joining us, she kinda like popped out of nowhere hahaha. Headed to Ajisen for dinner after Mimi came, thanks Mimi, for the treat! And for helping us with the extra ingredients such that she almost exploded lol. After which we went over to Swensens, and that's where the surprise came. I followed the three of them to this table of people, and I was wondering, "why do these people look so familiar?" lol! Jean, Jessie, Malcolm, Aunty Abigail, Amelia, Catherine and Hock Cai were there too! I honestly thought it was just the four of us, was so surprised to see the rest there too. :) They started singing this cute birthday song about being one year older and having no cake so my "cake" was a pau with a candle on top LOL. So cute! But the real cake came when we were praying I think, popped out of nowhere again. Thank you guys, for specially coming down to celebrate my birthday! Really happy and touched. Thank God for all of you, thank God for such a special birthday! :) :)


BIG thank you to...


My parents and Yixin for the dinner yesterday.


My relatives for celebrating my birthday with me, my uncles and aunts for the ang pows, my cousins for all the fun!


Chia Wen, Siqian, Ray, Jean, Jessie, Catherine, Amelia, Aunty Abigail, Mimi, Nicholas for the gifts / cards / treats. And those who're gonna give me belated presents. No worries, I know y'all still love me. LOL!!!


Jingyu, Lam Lee, Clara, Cheryl, Hock Cai, Joanne, Diane, Jolie, Rogan, Zilu, Nicholas, Vivian, Jinghan, Siqian, Suyun, Amelia, Jeenise, Catherine, Xianghong, Jessie, Jobina, Yihui, Yingyu, Chia Wen, Jieying, Youbao, Kelvin, Sharon, Liqin, Yuqian, Carmen, Michelle, Iris, Eleanor, Malcolm, Cephia, Mingyao for the wishes! (Apologies if I accidentally left out your name, I still love you, haha)


Of course, thank God for another year of His love! Thank you everyone, thank God for a very memorable, very blessed nineteenth. :)

Nineteen! ;)


Had dinner at Roxy Hotel with my parents and cousin, Yixin, form of a mini celebration. After which headed home for a celebration with my relatives. Been about a decade since I last celebrated with my relatives. My dad all of a sudden suggested it this year, and I thought it's a good idea haha. Nice having a celebration with my family, though my mum hasn't gotten over her love for insulting me in front of my relatives. But it's a happy occassion, so I'll try not to be annoyed. Big thank you to my uncles, aunts and cousins for coming over! :)

With my mum and cousins. There were only 18 candles on the cake. Fine by me, I can be forever 18!


The past few days have been slack. (Oh, what a surprise.) My hatred for Chinese surfaced again. Yeah I've never liked chinese, but I hate it once again. No I mean, I have a secret love for chinese cos I'm secretly pro at it but yes, I outwardly dislike chinese. HAHA. Cos, here's what happened at 7-11 a few nights ago.


This guy approaches me, wanting me to translate something to the cashier.
Guy: Rattles off in mandarin.
Me: Blur and stunned.
Guy: Repeats.
Me: Still blur and still stunned.
Guy: Do you understand chinese? (In mandarin, of course)
Me: Uh, yes.
Guy: Repeats slowly.
Me: Translates to the cashier in dribs and drabs.
Cashier: Hands what the guy wants to him.
Guy: Takes out money, about to pay... "Eh, no, that's not what I want!"
Me: *runs*


Okay I didn't run, just tried to look like it was a momentarory glitch. It was quite embarrassing, not to mention I was feeling a little guilty. Thankfully he realised it and did not buy the wrong thing wahaha. See, that is why I hate chinese!


Thank you for the wishes and present, that's really efficient. Thank yous to my relatives for the ang pows too! Yay, I'm not bankrupt anymore! For now.


Thank God that I'm alive to celebrate my nineteenth. Haha don't mean to sound pessimistic but really, thank God for sustaining me throughout my JC life. I can't believe I didn't get retained, I can't believe I don't have to retake my A levels. Otherwise I won't be happily thanking anyone here, my dad would've confiscated my keyboard and mouse and I'll be a sad lonely soul at my desk pretending to study studying. Heheh. As I look back, it's truly God's grace that enabled me to survive JC, that brought me here today! Thank God!


Whee I love the carebear I got, it's lime green and it's so cute! My thank-you list will be up later, but once again, thank you all! :)

This will be long.


So the long-awaited (dreaded, rather) moment arrived at 2.30pm today. Thanks all for the well wishes and those who sounded more excited than myself (Zilu msging me from the UK a few days ago, Jolie's msg in CAPS, juniors being so excited for I don't know what reason lol). Well the past few days were pretty normal, no worries, no nightmares, all the way till this afternoon when I stepped into the canteen. Right on the plasma screen was printed H1 Biology, 95.7% pass, one person got S. I started feeling a little uncomfortable, cos we all know I've been failing my Bio, very badly at that.


Fast forward to us seated in the hall, Mr Chan with his short, sharp, sweet speech, announcement of top students, VALERIE CHAN. More on that later. Yep though I wasn't worrying my days away, at times I'd picture myself not daring to look at my result slip. And yeah, I began to feel rather afraid just now. What if I really failed my A's, what if all I had were D's, E's and Ses, what if, what if, what if... When it was finally my turn to collect my stuff, I was wondering how I'd react. Didn't help that Mr Lim took a thousand years sorting out Amelia, Huijin's and my stuff. When he handed me my result slip, I really didn't want to look but I just glanced and, wow. Erm, not WOW, I wasn't ecstatic, I was just thankful, very, very thankful.


For those who've been asking and maybe I forgot to tell you, got BCCC and B for GP. Nowhere near stellar but I'm really, really thankful and honestly, I could not ask for more. That B for GP's already so alarming, plus I've never passed my bio and chem in my life and for math other than once, I've failed the rest. It's just so unbelievable. Prior to today I haven't dared to even expect anything, let alone wish for any A's. When I gave thanks during Uth, I could only say like one sentence but I've got SO MUCH to be thankful for. And I just can't thank God enough. I mean, I know that I've slacked away two years in JC, I know how much I struggled to catch up but failed and almost gave up, I know how much of a last-minute person I am, I know how much I love to sleep, I know how many topics I threw away, I know how much effort I put in. A levels were tough, I really couldn't have survived it on my own strength. And it's purely God's grace and only His grace that I got these results. THANK GOD!!!!!!


Was talking to a couple of teachers in school, and I felt so touched, especially when Mr Teo talked to me. He asked me how I felt about getting a C for math, then went on to apologise that it's his fault, he could have helped me get at least a B. I felt so, so guilty upon hearing that and I was trying to say it's my own fault but he just insisted that it's his fault as well and yeah... Felt so bad. Ah Mr Teo's so nice! Mr Fong talked to me too and I was feeling smug about it (that's the VP, I'm such a big shot, he remembers my name!). HAHA nah cos he was my mentor back at DHS and as usual, he was nice and encouraging. Talked to a few more teachers after that, Mr Chua, Ms Meta, Mrs Lim, who was really funny, how she worried that the S for bio was me and how happy she was when she saw that I got a C HAHAHA!


My dad asked me if I'm satisfied with my results to which I said yes, and he was quite shocked. Aye I don't know what does he expect as well, when I got back my prelim results, he was so sure the best grades I'd get for the A levels were D's. And when I've got above D's, he goes on to say, "See, if you'd put in effort, you'd have gotten A's." Ha. Ha. I don't deny I used to have that mentality, when I got back my O's results. I felt a tinge of indignance, like, if only I'd worked harder for this subject, if only my english were better, if only I weren't so careless for E Math, if only.............. I'd have done so much better! All the way till sometime last year when I was thinking, if I put in effort, I'll be able to do well. But now, no more of this. I don't want to think of the "if onlys", because it's done. My dad asked if I could have done better, and I said no. A definite no. As Valerie said, it's all in God's plans. You can prepare so much for a Literature paper and on the day itself, forget to write the question number *cough*. What's most important, is to really depend on Him.


On the bus home from church, I started tear-ing, was so touched by the people around me. And of course, was just so thankful, that God is good, God is so good, and I don't even deserve it. I must've looked quite mad sobbing away, thankfully there weren't many people haha. But yeah I kinda dreaded people asking for my results, I thought I'd actually yell at anyone who called but today, I was extremely touched. Zilu calling me all the way from the UK, my cousins calling, and everyone else's genuine care. Thank God for these people, thank God for my really good friends.


Ha the moment I entered the toilet when I got home, I just cried. It was a mixture of emotions. Moved, thankful, at the same time... Tired by all the comparison. Oh well I should be used to this, seeing that comparison is one of the Toh family traits. But sometimes it's just so tiring hearing the same thing over and over again. "So, all your friends got A's and you didn't, right? What do you want to do Social Science for, it's a dumping ground!" (Doesn't this sound familiar) Sigh.


Let's talk about happier stuff. Indeed, everyone did very well and I'm so happy for all of you! KILLER!!!!! Was so touched when you told me you were worried for me as well. But I wasn't worried for you, I just knew you'll do extremely well, and you did! I'm SOOOOOO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!!! Yeah, it's all God's grace.


Audrey's favourite line all of a sudden floats up again, it holds so true.


Thank You. (:

It was kinda a mad rush when I woke up today as I had to be at VCH in less than an hour but was trying to do some stuff. Which includes listening to the songs to get a feel of them and yes, printing more than 10 pages of scores hehe. Yeah I'm always doing things at the last minute and it's terrible. When I arrived at VCH, the whole world was already there (oops) and I strolled in with an iced milo and... In slippers. I don't see what's so amusing about walking around in slippers, aren't they the obvious solution to hurting feet caused by court shoes. But of course, don't wear them on stage lol.


The rehearsal was bad as expected. For me, that is. Seeing that I was looking at the scores for the first time and some parts were so fast and there were so many notes written all over the place, yeah I kinda skipped the G major part for Dong Hai heheh. Lol it was so funny when we were about to go up for our dizi concerto. We noticed that there wasn't much space for us to stand and we were picturing a scenario whereby the erhu bow knocks into us and we fall off the stage. HAHA. But the space was indeed small and couple of times during the song I had to glance at the floor, make sure I was still a few centimetres away from the edge. I think we'd have falled off had we taken a step forward lol.


Well attempted to make good use of the time after the rehearsal ended to really practise but somehow there were a lot of distractions. Still managed to practise the more important parts though. Haha. There was some sort of comparison going on between this year's Huang He and our year's when we were the leading batch. Honestly, it doesn't matter. There's bound to be differences, with completely different groups of people playing it. What's most important is that you all enjoy what you all played and for that, you guys succeeded! Technique-wise, might not have been the best, but it was a joy seeing the juniors so happy after the song and hearing them say they've done their best.


Was praying silently before we went up for Mu Min, helped calm my nerves. It was scary, halfway through my part I got a little over-excited and forgot to inhale a DEEP BREATH so I sounded quite breathless but thank God, managed to build up and pass it on. Thank God, thank God, thank God! Really enjoyed myself for that item, I thought it was such fun standing so close to a full-house audience! Once in a lifetime experience, and I'm thankful for that. The other items went quite well, much better than the rehearsal. Didn't skip anymore parts lol. Oh, the audience response was wonderful. Like always, shouting for one encore after another. But gone were the days when we just started out own encores so after playing just once, we walked off. Hahaha.


So, there's my last concert with DHSCO, the last time we're gonna have a concert in VCH (subsequent years' will be held at DHS). I'm glad I went back to perform, really enjoyed myself and got to know the juniors better. DHSCO, it's been an honour, do give your very best for the Malaysia trip (I might not be going, but I'll give every bit of moral support) and ultimately, SYF. No sweat, just hold on.


Thanks Huijing for everything, you're truly a responsible SL! :)


My mum all of a sudden asked when will the results be released (sigh, I thought she'd have forgotten that I'd taken my A's), to which I told her this friday. Moan. And of course she went on about retaking. Hehs. Not really worrying about it right now but I foresee I'll just faint on that day and not dare to open my result slip at all. But as Audrey said, God will provide enough for us to get to exactly where He wants us to go.

The concert's in 18 hours' time and guess what, I haven't seen the scores for the other combined items that I'm gonna perform for. This is the ultimate last-minute, heh. Thankfully there's a rehearsal for me to screw up and feel scared before I begin my intensive practice lol.


Speaking of the concert, I kinda can't bear for it to end. Yeah, it hasn't even started but all will be over in the blink of an eye! Received an email from Zhiying yesterday, and was I so glad to see, "The tickets have been SOLD OUT!" Ticket sales had been so bad one, two weeks ago. And what with the difficulty in trying to reach the schools, it's really amazing. Thank God, really. The past two months of preparation, guess I'm gonna miss it. Even though I think I've been quite slack... Hehe. I'll miss my inbox being flooded with loads of documents, I'll miss having to meet the various deadlines, I'll miss working with the committee as this is the last event we're organising meaning the last time we're probably gonna work together, I'll miss going back for sectionals (to slack with the juniors) and orchestral practices (to feel scared about my part), I'll miss receiving those notifications about practices and most of all, I'll miss performing with DHSCO! I obviously won't be going back when I'm 20, lol. I definitely won't miss calling up the schools though. Heheh. Yay I've got something to remind me of the concert, a sample poster I got when I went down to print the posters.

Met up with Audrey for dinner at parkway just now. My timing must have been wonderful, when I got on 15 at my place, she was on the bus lol! It was great meeting up with her again, it's been ages since I last saw her! And she wrote me a rather long letter, some sort of "pre A level results release" encouragement. :) Oh, I bought two books by Jeffery Deaver for $18.90! Yays~


Gotta arrive at VCH earlier tomorrow to help out. Youbao and I are in charge of the backstage but... We don't really know what we're supposed to do HAHA. Doesn't matter actually, cos I picture myself drowning in my scores.


These technicalities might be beyond my capabilities, but I can do all things through Christ who strenghthens me!

Went for Street E for the first time on thursday. It was a great experience, exciting, but I don't deny I was a little scared haha. Shy. Chia Wen did the sharing, while I just prayed in my heart. We met three people, and it was very heartening that they were all pretty open and receptive. I kinda expected cold shoulders and all that so yeah, thank God! And Street E's such an awesome thing, specially going out to bring the Good News to people. It's just so amazing, thank God for Street E :)


Vibe was great, went down with Yuqian, Lam Lee and Cristal. Full of nonsense LOL! But yeah, it was fun, THANK YOU for coming down! Hahahaha. The performances were really nice and that reminds me, I'd better do the write-ups soon before the ideas get erased from my limited memory. Stayed around after that to sweep the floor (the only household chore I know is sweeping) heheh. Unlike some housewife I know who seems to be perpetually washing the dishes and cleaning the house LOL! Okay I shan't go on in case I get scolded on someone's blog again HAHAHA. :P After which was a birthday celebration for Pat, which was so sweet, the candles and all. Whee!


Today's sermon was so real. It obviously wasn't fake but yeah, you know. I mean, it happens and the thought is pretty scary. Headed to James' place after that for Hock Cai's birthday surprise. Which was having him blindfolded from church all the way there on the bus (should have seen the amused faces of the passengers, what's more he was exclaiming so loudly lol), walking around at the void deck near James' place, finally pouring a bucket of water containing eggs, prawns, bee hoon and whatever disgusting stuff on him. It was really gross, looking at the water. Lol. And maybe for the first time I'm thankful for my spoilt nose. Lester was commenting in the lift, "YOU REALLY STINK!" but all I could smell was a little eggy stuff hahaha.


Was supposed to meet Audrey for dinner this evening but she had to visit her grandmother. So we're meeting on tuesday, and another day after getting back our A level results to "discuss our plans", as Audrey says. Hahaha. Well I'm pretty much plan-less for now. And speaking of the results, guess they'll be out this friday. I've pretty much shoved it to the back of my mind and it's working, unlike so many of my friends who've been dreaming of results. Come on, you all need to dream of better things. HAHA.


Oh, Pastor Jason said this morning about our sins finding us out. Just like how we can't escape from cheating the bus drivers. I put in 60 cents for my journey today and the bus driver asked me to tap my card. Hehe.


My cousins must be aiming to drain my brain juice dry. First, Nicholas asked a series of questions, and the ultimate, why do gays exist -.- Then, Vanessa asked this.
An animal that has a four-stage life cycle.
_ o _ _ _ _ _ _
I just couldn't think of it.


The answer? Mosquito. Help, I can't even do Primary 4 Science! :/

Just a thought, cos Valerie mentioned it the other day. If you've been a reader of my blog or have known me kinda well since last year (around this period of time or earlier), you should've realised something. Pretty amusing thinking about it, but it's purely random and not some million-dollar realisation. Realised it? Wahaha.


Friday was great, from practice to Uth to Cheryl's birthday surprise. Nice seeing Doris, Xiuyi and Carmen back at DHS again. Probably the last time I'll see Xiuyi for the next one year, she left for Australia yesterday.
It's been wonderful knowing you, you're such a nice, encouraging, humble, funny person. Thank you for having been such an awesome senior, my only DHSCO dizi senior in VJCO! Thank you for all the advice, the laughter. I'm sure you'll adapt fast, and remember to miss me! :D
Uth! Teresa brought Vanessa! It was a pleasant surprise, though we hardly talked in 4C. But yeah, nice seeing her again after so long, my fellow chicken pox sufferer... Haha.
Cheryl's surprise after that, it's always funny to see people attempting to push one another into the pool and the result is that all end up in the pool *smirk* hahaha! Yeah Cheryl's 20! 20 20 20~


Didn't go for the rehearsal yesterday as I woke up a little late and was lazy to head down. Went for Blueprint in the afternoon. Pastor Chee Kheen talked about praying even about the little things. Like when you're running late and the bus refuses to come, pray instead of swearing. I felt like it was directed at me, cos I never fail to scold the buses hee. We had a test at the end of the lesson and yay, I got full marks! Along with Eleanor and someone else. Eleanor was saying that the reason behind our scores is that we're young and still in the EXAM MODE. Hahahaha. Yeah the prize was Pastor Mike's book, Move on to Maturity, with his signature on it. That's really cute, lol. Oh, and I'm still not over the excitement of getting my number up first on the screen. Fast and accurate okay. LOL!!!!! =.=


Wow, today's sermon. The moment I saw the words "Anger Management" on the slide I was like, "I so need that!" Especially since I very nearly yelled at someone last night (thank God I controlled), for some unknown reason was feeling irritated this morning, and I actually have a rather short fuse at home. I get annoyed with the most minor of issues sometimes, rail at my mum when I'm sleepy (sleepy = bad mood for me), get impatient with my dad when he asks me too many questions. Honour one's parents... And Valerie's favourite line comes to mind, "If I were your mum I'd drown you." Lol. To add on, I'm always scolding buses and cyclists.


Pray all the time, ask God for help.


Been paying 55 cents for my bus rides these two days cos my card ran out of money so I decided to try living like a student again. Almost got found out today but the uncle concluded that I must be a student when I flashed him my EZ link. Great way to save money eh? Cheat money, rather. Nah I won't do that anymore, finally topped up my card. I'm honest! Lol.


I sat on my bed for the longest time last night just thinking. Felt a little sad, a little guilty. Yet not really regretting what I said, felt that I should let them know how I feel. I guess the more understanding they are, the worse I feel. I don't wish for my words to be misinterpreted, isn't my intention to hurt anyone. I'm sorry...


Which is the real me?

Been suffering from a severe sleep deficit the past few days, yeah for once, seeing that I'm unemployed, free and aimless. So it was Valentine's Day on saturday, thank you all for the chocolates and cards! Yingxian's card made me feel so guilty. "Remember to come back more often, so that we can slack more!" Gosh, looks like I shouldn't go back too often lol. Anyway, that was one tiring day. Woke up at 6 plus, the earliest in a long long time other than those days when I wasn't asleep yet. I'd slept for only 3 hours, and I don't even get up so early for school! Went back to DHS for the rehearsal, and it was really bad. Especially our item, Mr Quek had to stop more than 3 times! What he said was true, each of us was only focused on our own parts, even for the other items. Just didn't feel anything, hopefully the next 2 rehearsals will see much improvement.


An amusing sight during the rehearsal.
Two guys carrying one Yangqin.
One girl carrying one Yangqin.
What's the world coming to!


Rushed for the Blueprint course after that, which I was extremely late for thanks to an annoying jam. It took half an hour to get from one bus stop to the other, it'd have been faster had I crawled. The lesson was awesome, the ARS was really fun! I felt so pleased everytime my number was first up on the screen LOL! But yeah the point is of course the four lessons on Assurance, Lordship, Faith and Power. Learnt a lot, and I feel much clearer about things now. The last part got me a little blur though. Yeah my memory doesn't have much space, I'll go read it again.


Went to Hort Park after that with the church people, loads of interesting things there haha. And whoa, the walk to Vivocity was soooooo tiring. We walked for around an hour and a half, almost died by the time we'd reached Vivo. But the bridge was really beautiful, some superb sights, and it was fun! Good exercise, even though I don't really need it hahaha.


Got up at 7 plus for service yesterday, after a mere few hours of sleep cos my cousins refused to go home haha. Was actually rather annoyed by something but oh well, forget it. Managed to stay awake during the service, thankfully. But was super tired for the rest of the day. Wanted to catch some sleep before the VJCOGY gathering but I barely slept for an hour before I got woken up by calls and msgs lol. The gathering was alright, the NS guys were sharing their wonderful stories haha. And they wouldn't stop suaning me about my house! Lol.


Alright, I do not have to call the remaining 50 plus schools anymore yay! Just the east zone schools and a few others that are more likely to go. Gonna call tomorrow, cos I woke up too late today hehe. Really hope that ticket sales will pick up, we've got 300 odd tickets left now. We face the same problem every year but in the end it'd be full house for both sessions, but I guess we can't take it for granted cos it's somehow different this year. Yes it's only one session, but gotta take into account that it's on a wednesday, it's during the primary schools CA 1 period, and perhaps common test period for several secondary schools. Well, hopefully it'll get better.


I'm already loving TAR 14! Wooh! :D

I just love sectionals when I'm not required to conduct them, cos then I can do retarded stuff with my juniors like migrating out to the corridor to blast our di zis in an attempt to be louder than.............. Of course, we won. LOL!


I got to explore Tecman for the first time! Went there with Siqian on saturday cos she needed to get some stuff. That place is big, loads of cool stuff, nice place to get presents hoho. Oh, my cousins came over to my place that night with a mic, so we went to karaokeparty.com! Thank God the police didn't appear at my doorstep, cos it was past midnight, four crazy souls at the balcony singing "KEEP BLEEDING, KEEP KEEP BLEEDING LOVE" (I don't like that song, but my cousins love it and karaokeparty doesn't have that great a variety, so I had to make do with that) hahahaha. It was fun, all that mad singing lol.


Went for service at GLCC on sunday, was my first time attending, to find out how it's like. The sermon was really powerful. Encouraging, at the same time a blatant reminder never to lose our focus in the Lord, be it in mirth or sorrow, in triumph or failure. Like myself, I tend to pray more during difficult times, and turn away when everything's going smoothly. This quote especially rings so true.


"God whispers in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, and shouts in our pains."


Joined some of the girls for floorball after service, and all I can say is, wow! There's so much to learn, I learnt a lot from the pros there, and it's really fun! But when it came to the game, I'd forget most of the techniques and just play with this mindset, "just whack when the ball comes" HAHA. Chia Wen, coach me! Haha aye I've got no talent in floorball, but I really enjoyed myself, everyone was so pro, nice and patient, it was awesome! :D


Went down to Temasek Poly yesterday with Lam Lee and Yuqian to support Cristal's fruit tarts. The students from her faculty had to meet some sales target for the food I think. The food was not bad, I must say. And I still find it amusing that the chefs put their spoons in pockets at their arms, it feels that if they raise their arms more than ninety degrees, the spoons will fall out. Hahaha.


Heh, this is what I got up at 12 plus this afternoon (that's way early for me) to do.


"Hi, could I speak to the Chinese Orchestra teacher-in-charge?"
"Wait a moment, I'll transfer your call to the staff room." (Puts me on hold, annoying music starts playing for an eternity until someone finally picks up.)
"Hi, could I speak to the Chinese Orchestra teacher-in-charge?"
"Wait a moment." (Puts me on hold, annoying music plays for yet again an eternity until someone finally picks up.)
"I'm sorry, but Mr/Ms/Mdm Whoever is not around."
"Thank you."


The above, times 30. Yeah, I'm supposed to call up 63 schools to confirm their ticket orders for the DHSCO concert. But it's extremely frustrating when I'm always put on hold only to be told that the teachers aren't around. I called half the number of primary schools, thought it'd be better with the secondary schools but apparently not so I moved on to the JCs after calling half the number of secondary schools. After calling sooooooooo many schools, I only managed to get to 3 teachers, who also didn't manage to confirm the orders and said they'd get back to me but have yet to do so. So all that calling this afternoon comes up to nothing and I've got to start all over again tomorrow. Sigh, it's really exasperating, what's more ticket sales aren't that good now. Argh, please let the teachers be there tomorrow! Or rather, later on zzz.


Met up with Chia Wen in church just now for the second lesson of bible study. Yay I love the book of John, it's relatively easy to comprehend. The thought of Jesus dying for our sins struck me really hard again. The fact that He had a choice not to do so but He did, dying such a painful death for us sinners, us unworthy sinners. This great love, it's just so amazing. "There's nothing you can do to let God love you more; there's nothing you can do to let God love you less." Wow!


I'm suffering from a chronic illness, and it's called joblessness.


Whether trials come or cease
Keep me always on my knees
Lord, I need You

My huhuhuhu Chinese New Year...


For the past many years, CNY had been one of my dreaded occassions of the year but this year's was pretty enjoyable I must say, minus the ongoing family conflicts and discoveries of human hypocrisy and materialism. Wasn't really looking forward to the reunion dinner initially, cos that simply meant a gathering of 90 odd people at my granddad's place, half of them mere strangers to me. I mean, I just don't see the point of having such a "grand" reunion dinner when all we know of one another is that everyone's either a Mr Toh, Mrs Toh or Ms Toh (and I'm neither HAHA). Yeah, Ruth Zhuo sounds a million times nicer than Ruth Toh, admit it! ;) And what with all that friction and one side refusing to even talk to the other, it just defeats the purpose of a reunion dinner. Still, thank God for the time spent talking with some of my very nice relatives. Advice from Xingyi Jiejie on university courses, encouragement from Josiah's mum regarding the A levels. Unlike the typical bombardment of "How do you think you fared?" "What do you wanna study next time?", she said a simple yet assuring line, "Don't worry, just pray." It was really comforting, something not one of my immediate relatives will say. Heheh.


Visiting seemed to pass really quickly, cos we only visited one house on each of the two days. The highlight of this CNY was of course the time spent with my cousins! Playing poker, bridge, hide and seek, catching, watching Liang Po Po (explains the huhuhuhu) and imitating all the retarded conversations on the show, until Vanessa can't stop saying "ALAMAK!!!!!" HAHAHA.


Argh I've been spending like nobody's business the past few days. Lots of shopping (I did my CNY shopping on the third and fourth days wahaha) and singing! Went to Topone, a KTV at Bugis, with Lam Lee and Yuqian on friday. It's quite a cool place, every room has very unique decorations with effects like disco lighting and smoke and some have mini stages! But our smoke thing wasn't working and the light was rather retarded haha. It was fun though, haven't gone singing in a long long time! I wanted to see if I could still sing properly while jumping so I tried, and Yuqian just had to take retarded videos of me doing that and doing my favourite banshee and opera. Don't worry, the videos will never ever be up. Oh yeah, those singers should totally hire me to do their special effects LOL.


Had DHSCOGY reunion dinner at my house on saturday. The food was nice! And I almost died laughing while playing asshole daidee. Justine was giving soooooo many comments. "Your cards are too good, you're OUT!" "We're gonna ban doubles from the next round onwards." "If you all have anything bigger than an 8, pass!" And and,
Someone puts a 7.
The next person puts a J.
Justine starts yelling: Why do you have to put such a big card!
The poor person: I don't have other cards!
Justine: THEN YOU PASS!
Yeah the whole time was spent going crazy, it was just extremely retarded lol!


Went to my cousins' house for dinner yesterday to lao yu sheng. Played with them for a while before the poor kids had to go do their homework. They asked me to entertain them so being the nice person I am, I agreed and ended up helping Vanessa do her homework. It was some colouring thing, was supposed to colour a cow. With my artistic colour sense and some help from Nicholas in the designing, here's our masterpiece!

Vanessa said it's pretty and Vivian got a total shock when we showed it to her HAHA. I wonder what her teacher's reaction will be. But it's cute, no? SUPERCOW!!!!! :D :D :D

3 more lessons and I'll say bye to tuition and welcome jobless-ness again. But I'd rather be jobless and have no income than........ Heh. I'll attempt to look for another job after I've recovered from all these frustrations.

For once, I'm pleased with the Campus Superstar results.

Thank God for the past week, for a blessed CNY, for my family, for my friends.

Today was fun! Went back to DHS for Mumin practice, which only started at 4 plus, so went to look for the Year 2s and 3s during their sectionals. Sometime during the practice, the Sheng people barged in, someone announcing loudly, "Let's go for a half an hour break.... OMG RUTH IS HERE!!!!" hahaha. They thought that I was gonna scold them for slacking but one of the Dizi juniors said, "Can't you tell that Ruth is slacking with us too?" Lol yeah I admit I was. We were doing all sorts of things other than practising! Writing and decorating CNY cards, homework, singing, talking rubbish and telling lame jokes... Hehe. Okay I'm not being a very good example but they've probably practised their SYF songs hundreds of times and we did practise Mu Min! It's beneficial practising in a relaxed state :)


We combined with the orchestra today, and thankfully it was alright. Well it's just the first practice, we'll all improve with more practice. Haha the practice was very short, but I really enjoyed myself with my juniors today! They're all crazy HAHA. But next time I go back, I shan't slack so much.


HAHA I'm laughing at Yuqian for having to spring clean her house at her family's sudden spring-cleaning plans. She's so gonna become a housewife like Lam Lee soon lol! Thankfully my parents won't suggest such a thing. Not that I'll agree anyway!


Pay your CO funds! ;D

I went on my very own Amazing Race: Kallang Bahru, Boon Keng, Bendemeer today! I was supposed to go down to this printing shop to print the posters and tickets for the DHSCO concert, and the address given is 996 Bendemeer Road, Bendemeer JTC. I googled it, found a route that supposedly had the minimum walking journey (totally not the case), and set off happily this morning. Throughout the two bus journeys, I kept my eye intently on the road signs and names of the bus stops, checking them against a picture of the route information in my phone. When I finally arrived at my stop, I alighted very smugly cos I felt so pleased with myself for not getting lost! But that smugness was gone in a few seconds when I realised that I was surrounded by many, many buildings. It was then, "Oh no, where do I go from here?". I had absolutely no clue which direction to go, there were far too many buildings. And I was smart enough not to look up where the building was roughly, but only checked for the route. Heh. Thank God for a guy who gave me a slight inkling on which direction to go.

The stop I alighted was actually at Kallang Bahru (so much for minimum walking distance), so with the guy's rough guide, I walked all the way till I saw Bendemeer Rd. And it was back to cluelessness again, cos once again there were stretches of buildings in all four directions. After crossing a few roads, asking a number of people for directions to little avail, and walking around aimlessly, I felt extremely lost, until I saw a building with "JTC" on it and it was all the way back at Kallang Bahru where I came from. Recalling that the address had "JTC" as well and being someone with as much common sense as direction sense (not much), I walked back feeling happier, thinking that I'd found the place. I obviously hadn't, and that took me a tour of the entire first and second storeys to find out. I exited the building and saw this printed on it, "16 Kallang Bahru". Brilliant.

At that point I felt dejected, lost, thirsty, hungry and tired. I badly wanted to take a cab but decided to perservere, the building could actually be nearby and now that I'm perpetually broke, I ought to save money. Wow, I'm becoming more sensible by the day. Thank God for a security guard who set me off on the right track finally! Thank God for all the people who gave me directions, especially this kindly, smiley old man who gave rather clear instructions and was so nice as to wish me shen ti jian kang and some other chinese idioms haha! So cute! Yeah, after an hour of circling, crossing roads, walking back and forth aimlessly, feeling lost and helpless... The most welcoming sight of the day!

Which meant that... 996 is just ROUND THE CORNER!

At long last... The final destination!

Was simply delighted beyond words! Thank God, thank God, thank God!

Passed them the soft copy of the stuff, had a brief discussion, then scooted off to meet Lam Lee and Yuqian at City Hall, where it was more walking in search of a present for Yuqian's sister. But I was extremely happy for the rest of the day, perhaps the reason behind my more-numerous-than-usual nonsensical comments. Yeah, yeah, we're all pacing and matching one another okay HAHA. Not to mention my two seconds of embarrassment on the train when I tried to imitate a Domokun pose and almost flew. Woops. Oh, met James (NO MORE HAIR lol) and Ms Wong at City Hall!

Hah. I think I wailed and whined about tuition to like, 10 people yesterday. Thanks everyone for your ears and encouragement and humour, was feeling totally annoyed. 8 more lessons to go, I wonder if I can actually complete it. Argh!! I need wisdom, I need understanding.

Sigh. Played The Nomad's Song just now and I felt utterly out of breath. I always wonder, how did I manage to get such fantastic marks for my exam three years back. There's practice tomorrow, and I haven't practised my... Ah I should have told Zheng Laoshi not to trust me with such a technical part, after all I feel that my skills have dropped many notches these past three years hehe. I wanna request for a change of parts! Alright, I seriously should stop moaning and groaning and go PRACTISE.

I'm so tired, broke, aimless and in debt. But otherwise, I'm pretty happy! Hahahahaha :D

I made a few discoveries during the trip to Sentosa on tuesday with Diane, Yingyu and Cephia. Angelina Jolie has a relative in the Underwater World. If you flash your EZ Link with confidence, you'll get to enjoy a student meal. Egg shells and tissue packets are good hiding places for leftovers if you wish to avoid paying fines for raw food taken but not cooked. Heheh. It was nice catching up with them that day, haven't seen Diane in ages since she left for Australia. And it seems a long time since I saw Yingyu too. But the Underwater World and steamboat buffet left me with a budget deficit of -$9.80 for the rest of the week. :(


So I got my first tuition student this week. Kinda lazy to talk about it, other than the fact that I really wanted to give up after thursday's lesson, call Mr Ho and tell him that "I quit". Really had no clue what to do, how to continue. But after loads of counselling and advice (haha thanks all)... I'll just do what I can. Pray and trust God, for I'm weak but He's strong.


Hoho. Was browsing through the December edition of The Link and and and I saw Xiuyi's picture! It was during the third day of camp when everyone was at ECP giving out tracts, and she and her friend happened to be walking by. COOL HUH! I was extremely surprised to see her photo inside haha. And coincidentally she'd planned to go back to DHS today too, so I could let her take a look at her pretty face HAHA.


Yeah went back to DHS today to help conduct sectionals. Doris, Xiuyi and Clara went back as well. Clara laughed at me when I told her I'm giving tuition, and I laughed at her when she said she signed up for driving lessons. And she said she's gonna fetch me home one day lol! Doris is currently studying Nursing! And she was saying that you shouldn't move your shoulders when you breathe cos it's not good, or something like that hahaha. It's no wonder studies say that Woodwind players tend to die young, what with all that circular breathing. Not to mention being hard of hearing. But I think my hearing's pretty excellent. Hah.


Something funny that took place at the bus-stop.


Huijing and I are at the bus-stop. Huijing's bus comes. While she prepares to leave, she thanks me and apologises non-stop for asking me to come back. The bus leaves. Huijing's still at the bus-stop, not done with her expressions of gratitude and apology. LOL! She's super funny! Thankfully another bus came shortly, or I'd be the one apologising non-stop hahaha.


Argh I was soooo annoyed this afternoon. On the bus journey home, I all of a sudden had this heart ache about paying adult fare and kept reminding myself to tap my card when I alight. Soon after, the bus arrived at my stop. With my wallet tightly clutched in hand, I happily alighted. A few seconds after the bus left, I realised, I FORGOT TO TAP MY CARD!!!!!!! ROAR. Guess it's a sign of reaching adulthood, my brain cells are degenerating. :/


Still - Hillsong United


Hide me now
Under Your wings
Cover me
Within Your mighty hand


When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father You are king over the flood
I will be still and know You are God


Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know His power
In quietness and trust


Was listening to this song on repeat mode last night, and it made me tear.

Interesting how men can gossip about the same issues for more than ten years. Interesting how an entire table of people can fall silent with the appearance of visitors from "the other side". Interesting how academics just automatically become the subject of conversation when certain parties come together. Interesting how a mystifying aura can end all conversation when it merely comes from the person who brought them up. Interesting how money can invoke the most creative thoughts. Interesting how individuals can be so ambitious at a tender age. Interesting how a mother drowns her child in assessment books but teaches her to tell everyone that she does not study. Interesting how snobbish they can get when they're really not that capable. Interesting how one could worry over the smallest of issues. Interesting how someone who never fails to go to church every sunday, read the Bible and pray everyday, will never buy lunch for his wife, not let her read the newspaper cos she doesn't pay him 80 cents for it.


Sounds like an unemployed, bored, aimless person's starting to ponder over the most bizarre matters. Nah, was just thinking, the woes of money, academics and egocentricism. Someone mentioned this before, that the world is a troubled one. And I must concur with that.


"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

John 16: 33

Here's a shout out to VIVIAN, my beloved cousin! Happy fifteenth birthday! Continue to obtain excellent results, practise your erhu, and be busy with SC! Stop dreaming of going out to work and get your red car, that can wait. School life's so much better. Treasure your years in DHS, they will fly past before you know it! God bless and stay high, smart and busy! (:

Gosh, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by the number of emails regarding the concert. A big thank you to Zhou Mo for editting the letters and forms! I feel... Extremely slack. Argh. Anyway, the concert's on 4th March, Wednesday! It's extremely weird, must be the first time in a million years that the DHSCO concert's on a weekday. Hmm....

While we're still on the subject of birthdays... Here's a very gentle reminder, that yours truly is turning 19 in exactly two months! Hee hee hee!

Went back to DHS on friday for the Homecoming celebrations. Met up with Alison, Yinghan and Valerie! It was really cool, not so much the speeches and performances, but the feeling of being home was just awesome. Yeah I've been back a couple of times before that, but it's different when we're back together with so many ex-students. It was a very proud moment at the finale of the performances, with all the party poppers and confetti. Equally heartening to see so many people specially making their way down on that day, taking leave from work, ponning school (the group of students in VJ uniforms, don't think I don't know LOL). Anyway, my O Level cert's still in school! I thought it'd have been long sent back to MOE or incinerated. Lol the lady at the GO reprimanded me about wasting the school's space. But I still haven't collected it, cos they didn't have the keys the other day. So... Maybe when I finally decide to collect it................ But yeah, I love DHS! :)


They finally opened up the new building, and it's huge. It actually has two lifts! But it's so difficult locating the classrooms, they're like on different wings and levels and all that. And I'm still gonna complain about the colour sense, my goodness, out of everyone I talked to, all grumbled about the colours. Lol. I thought I knew the symbolic colours of DHS. But what with the blue, green, maroon and white, I'm a little confused. Wahahaha. Nah. DHS will always be blue and white!


The committee for the DHSCO annual concert had our first meeting today! It's basically most of our batch's comm and a few from the current comm. Huishan's as hilarious as ever.


Siyuan: Huishan! You've lost a lot of weight!
Huishan: Did you see my ass?


LOL! But she did lose a lot of weight. I'll be doing Publication hoho. Everyone was fighting not to do the programme booklet lol. Can't really remember what we have to do, something about posters and invitations but well, I'll remember soon. I don't understand why we have to send invitations to 107 schools, I think 20 will do, really. And it's so sad, this year's concert's on a FRIDAY and there's only one session! Heard it's cos they booked VCH too late. Hmm.


I'm going to scout for a job later! Yeah, I can't really believe that I'm actually gonna look for a job. Hahaha. But the message on friday says, "Start the year well"! So I should quit idling around sleeping 14 hours a day from sunrise to sunset, posting frequent rubbish on my blog, creating 6 mobtv accounts.......


His Way Is Perfect


When my way seems dark and drear, and the future I don't know
My heart feels so empty as the tears unending flow
When my heart breaks with sorrow and a tempest fills my soul
This one thing I know for sure: My God is in control


His way is perfect; His way is perfect
Though I don't understand His wise and loving plan
His way is perfect; His way is perfect
Take my life and make a vessel purified
God makes no mistakes — His way is best


When the toils of life are come and my heart is worn with care
I faint 'neath the burden of a cross I cannot bear
When the joy has departed from my sorrow-stricken soul
This one thing I know for sure: my God is in control


His way is perfect; His way is perfect
Though I don't understand His wise and loving plan
His way is perfect; His way is perfect
Take my life and make a vessel purified
God makes no mistakes — His way is best


I WANT THIS SONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!! :) :) :)


For the past years, the New Year'd somehow bring with it a dread, it being the last day of the holidays and it meant starting a new year of school the very next day. Last year especially, the New Year was nowhere near happy thanks to the R papers. Now that we have an eight-month or so holiday, there's no dread, but neither is there any excitement. We're leaving the shelters of school for the world out there............ After I decide to get job, that is.


Lam Lee, Cristal, Yuqian and I had our yearly New Year sleepover at my place yesterday. Before that, we went to Giant to buy loads and loads and LOADS of food and drinks. It was really a huge amount, considering that there were only the four of us lol. Anyway, met a number of people there. Jessie, Hannah, Melissa, Joo, Sharon and Huijin were at Giant too. And I met Dai Hongrui at Roxy Square! That super cute and super naughty KHS boy who attended the EZCO camp in 05 and 07! Yeah, I still recall how his attempt to do martial arts broke a chair in the AVT lol.


We headed to our usual countdown place - Changi Airport. Yeah, three-quarters of the Singapore population were probably in town. But that's the point. The airport was rather packed last night though. The queue outside Swensens was really long and we were afraid we'd end up spending the last day of 2008 and the first day of 2009 queuing lol. But thank God we got seats before 12! And yeah, like always, everyone started cheering when the clock struck 12. Happy New Year! :D


Feeling rather energetic now, probably cos I slept the longest. I'd have slept from 8 plus in the morning all the way till evening if not for Yuqian literally dragging me off the bed by my legs! But I went back to sleep after lunch while Yuqian and Lam Lee played Maple. =.=


No fanciful resolutions this year, since I've come to realise that talk is cheap and I've never ever fulfilled them. "I'm gonna study VERY HARD for the A's!" Did that happen? Hoho. My one and only - To live a life not for the world, but for God. It's not what I do, but what He does. :)


"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."

Proverbs 3: 5-6

2009 will be good!