I was upset the whole of yesterday, I was upset today, and will probably be everytime I'm reminded of it for the next one year. Just because of one simple thing that I didn't do, I've given myself an additional, unnecessary, to an extent painful burden for a whole period of 4 months. I feel extremely frustrated within me. If only, if only... But what's the use of saying all that now? We can't turn back time. All I can say is, lesson learnt, the hard way.

I wanna thank God. I felt terrible yesterday morning, I couldn't believe they had to call me all the way back just to deliver a one-sentence verdict that could have easily been conveyed through email. I was just... Annoyed, sad, angry at myself. The heavy rain didn't help. But thank God, I was comforted just knowing that He's always here for me. I didn't feel like talking about it. But I can just commit it all to Him. Because He's still in control, and He'll see me through this mess.

Alright, my breakfast is here. As you can see, I'm up bright and early to prepare for service.

Nah, I haven't slept. Basically, I had a night of fun activities. Midnight swimming, followed by Wii at my place, till the wee (hahaha) hours in the morning. My cousins left my place about 2 hours ago, after which I decided to do my own stuff and before I knew it... Well, I might as well not go to sleep since I've technically got to be up in less than an hour's time.

You know, it doesn't take much to make kids happy. Just tell them that you're gonna sit outside with them and they go, "yay!" Yet sometimes I'd be so preoccupied with my own stuff that I wouldn't think twice about the "kids' stuff". I thank God for my cousins, really. I had so much fun with them this holiday, I'm just so thankful for the time we could spend together. To y'all, PRESS ON AT SCHOOL!

And I had a great day with you girls. :)

Who can forget the quote of the day?

"Hey, I can't find Taka. I'm outside Kino now." (Yes, our dear Cristal was referring to the Kino INSIDE Taka.) LOL!

Praise the Lord, I'm going to the Philippines!!!!!! Although it's only for a week, I'm extremely thankful, and I'm extremely happy. Thank God for opening the doors to a wonderful opportunity to take a look at the harvest out there! :)

I'd been praying fervently the past few days after my mum said no for the first two times. I'd wanted to ask her last night but I didn't have the chance to. I had to ask by tonight, cos they're gonna book the tickets tomorrow. I prayed and I prayed, until I received a text from Cheryl saying that she was gonna ask soon. I thought that I'd ask too, so I prayed a little more and went to ask.

I thank God for the conversation with my mum. Prior to that I'd been praying that God would soften her heart. And He did. Her tone wasn't as harsh as last week, and she didn't bring in the other issues she did the last time to stop me from going. Thank God for giving me the patience as well, to talk nicely with my mum. Cos yeah, the first time didn't go well. Her response at the end of it was that I could go if I wanted to, but her answer would still be no, she wasn't gonna support my decision cos she maintained that it'd be dangerous. I was left confused after that, I didn't know what I should do. I wanted to go, but I wanted my mum's support, and I wasn't gonna get it at that time.

Apparently Cheryl's mum gave the exact same response. And Cheryl said that she was going ahead to book the ticket. I thought to myself, hey, I can do the same thing too! But somehow I just didn't have the peace. I prayed, I asked for advice, and Cheryl suggested asking Hwee Min to speak to my mum to assure her of the safety, since she'd been there 5 times. I asked my mum if she wanted to speak to her, but she said there wasn't a need to, it's just dangerous. So, that was out for me.

Amidst my moments of dilemma, somehow a thought came to me, that perhaps I could ask my mum to let me go for one week instead (I'd been asking her if I could go for two weeks). I went to my mum's room for a third time (by then I thought that she'd have yelled at me for bugging her incessantly) and asked. And she replied immediately, "Okay, when are you going?" I really couldn't believe that. Seriously, thank God, that's all I can say.

Thank God for working in my mum's heart and making a way for me to go. Thank God for everyone's prayers (really, really appreciate them) and reminders to have faith. I admit, I grew doubtful along the way but thank God for these two words that I've been seeing the past few days. Indeed, God will make a way where there seems to be no way.

Now all glory to God, who is able, through His mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.

Ephesians 3: 20

Keep praying for Cheryl, that she'll be able to go with her mum's blessings. Thank God for how He has been working in her life! :)

Now, it's gonna be exciting. Seeing that I've never even shared the Gospel before, let alone share it to a large group of people. I guess, that it's time to go for St. E!

I was really disappointed. The matter has been on my mind for the past 5 days, I've been praying about it, and I really wanted to hear a "yes". But the answer was otherwise.

An answer that has always come up the first time I'd ask my mum about an overseas trip. Subsequently, it would be a "yes". But I really don't know about this time. My mum's firm about it. It certainly doesn't look like she's about to change her mind anytime soon. And I've only got another 2 days to ask her again.

But I guess it wasn't just her answer that frustrated me. Rather, it was what she said, and what my dad said. It hurts to see someone supposedly on one level thinking on another level. And it hurts when external factors that have got nothing to do with the matter are brought in to be a control over me.

Then again... I've just been brought into the shoes of many people. What used to be so easy for me, is now a whole new ball game altogether. Do I continue to trust, or do I accept it as it is? Do I wait, or do I go on hoping for my way?

As for God, His way is perfect; the Word of the Lord is proven; He is a shield to all who trust in Him.

Psalm 18: 30

God's plan for me is perfect. Even if I don't think it is, even if it's not what I want, even if I insist on having my way. I'm still praying. If it's God's will for me, He will definitely make a way. If it's not, it's not for me to try and break down doors, but to trust Him for what He has in store for me.

When all things are beyond my control, Lord, You're still in control. Help me to give thanks to You in all circumstances and to trust and be satisfied in Your plan for me. May Your will be done.

Thank God for the church camp, my first one. I can't compare it to last year's, seeing that I didn't even consider going for that. People have been saying that it's different this year, fewer bonding activities, fewer places to go to, fewer things to be occupied with. I guess it's a little different from the usual camps I've been to. The fact that the withdrawal symptoms weren't that strong (but I still miss the camp), the fact that there seemed to be an absence in the emotional highs, the fact that there didn't seem to be a point in time we all felt connected together. Despite all this, I still feel that it was an amazing camp. I've definitely been blessed by it.

Perhaps sometimes, it's not about the strong surge of emotions or a spiritual high from an altar call but how God has been speaking and working and changing people. As Pastor Jaspers said, change should be constant in a Christian's life. I believe God has spoken to many of us during the camp. He really spoke to me during the sermons on the second and third night, as well as through the testimonies. He has shown me how lightly I've been treating the matter of my parents' salvation, how I've allowed anger and bitterness to reside in me all these years, how I've been treating and even hurting the people dearest to me, how I've been fumbling in my walk with Him, how I've just been grieving the Holy Spirit. It's hard. But it has to be a constant cry-out for strength, for humility. And of course, the willingness to surrender and to depend.

I do miss the camp. The very first day when nearly everything in our room seemed to be faulty and no one really bothered despite us calling the hotel staff at least 4 times, getting up all sleepy each morning for breakfast, going for sermons twice a day, gathering at night to worship, share and pray and knowing people better as a result (I really love those sessions), supper with random people and how Joel drove us out on the last night, worshiping and praying (illegally) in the children's pool, getting squashed terribly on the havoc train, playing with the kids on durian night (and almost getting torn into two lol), the late-night chatting sessions even though we knew we had to get up early the next day (my dear roommates took turns to make me talk to the air each night)... Really, thank God for an awesome camp. :)

Well, thank God for my results too. It's a long story, but whatever it is, God has been so gracious. And I've been so un-thankful, lamenting so much about that one bad grade that I got, overlooking the other grades that God has given me. I've got close to zero chance for the appeal, but it's a reminder to really trust Him, and to give thanks to Him in all circumstances.

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18

Now, it's time to make some decisions.

Keep praying.

Tears relieve the burning brain, as a shower in the electric clouds. Tears discharge the insupportable agony of the heart, as an overflow lessens the pressure of the flood against the dam. Tears are the material out of which Heaven weaves its brightest rainbow.

F.B. Meyer

This is so beautiful.

It's 4 more days to church camp!

Wait, I haven't told my parents about it.

Whoops.