6 Sessions in Retrospect

We concluded our support group sessions yesterday. Time flies, it's been 6 weeks. I daresay I've gained a fair bit of insight from these sessions. Perhaps some people do not see the point of the sessions, but to me, each session was extremely meaningful. I'm blessed to have awesome facilitators, and more than awesome groupmates.

I'm surprised by how ready I was to share. This could be attributed to the relaxed, comfortable atmosphere we had. Another reason could be that I didn't know them that well. Yes, it makes more sense to be more holed up with people whom we're unfamiliar with. But for me, it happens to be the other way round. Maybe because we're not that close, they'll probably forget what I say in time to come and it won't matter in the end. But you know, they actually called me the wise one with lots of profound food for thought, the supplier of the "Quotes of the Day". Hahaha. That's pretty cool, 'cos I do hold a secret belief that people will quote me in their books and essays one day LOL. Right... Thank God for His words of wisdom!

As we rounded up our sessions yesterday, someone told me that she really admired something about me. I was taken aback. Though sometimes I do like that trait in me, other times it's really my downfall in life. Anyhow, I thought we had a pretty sweet ending to our sessions. I'm gonna miss the little gatherings, them calling me "Orange", and all the laughter we shared.

Thank God for the 6 sessions. 21 years of my life were put into perspective, not to mention having the privilege to listen to others' life stories, with the last two sessions discussing each of our greatest strengths, weaknesses, failures, and successes. This, I haven't given thought to before, so it was hugely interesting. Well, I guess I learnt a little more about myself in the process... At least, it made me reflect a lot.

And the main takeaway I have from the 6 sessions is that who we are today is largely made up of what we went through yesterday. Some of us have been through difficult times, crushing moments, and we thought we could never come through, but we did and are all here today. It's a reminder that everything happens for a reason. For His reason. There's gonna be more to come in the future, but what can we not go through? 'Cos at the end of the day, there is Hope.

Walk and Not Faint

Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall, but those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40:30-31 

There are times in our spiritual lives when we soar. Every prayer of ours is answered, God is using us mightily, we're doing things we've never done before, we're flooded with strength and wisdom beyond our abilities.

There are times we're not soaring, but are still able to run and not be weary. Life doesn't seem so effortless, there aren't many miracles, there's frustration, but there's still an inner joy as we continue running the race for Him.

And there are times when we're neither soaring nor running, but simply walking. Walking and trying not to faint. Life's burdens seem to have gotten the better of us. We don't seem to be very fruitful, don't seem to have a breakthrough. But we're hanging on.

These are condensed, paraphrased thoughts from John Ortberg's If You Want to Walk on Water, You've Got to Get Out of the Boat. I've never interpreted these verses this way. I certainly draw loads of insight from these thoughts.

And I think I belong to the last category of people right now. Maybe I'd paint a different picture of someone struggling out at sea, desperately holding onto a lifebuoy and trying not to be defeated by the waters. I'm kicking but going nowhere. And I'm fearful of what's to come. The thought of it overwhelms me. But you know what? I'll hang on. 'Cos the Lifebuoy is all I have. And the Lifebuoy will bring me to shore.

Thank You For the 21st

My 21st came and went.

But I couldn't have been more thankful for any other birthday.

I didn't intend to throw a party - neither was I expecting much.

The first surprise came on Friday morning, from Sarah, Charlotte, Amantha, Calvin, Joanne and Silk. Half of them weren't even supposed to be in school. So thank you, especially to Amantha, who travelled all the way down from Tampines.

The second was from the Easter musical drama team. All of them pretended not to know about my birthday. But when I entered the basement office, I was greeted with a birthday song and 21 cupcakes arranged in the shape of a key, courtesy of Alanie. Thank you for the key to freedom, haha. And it's evident why the drama team is called the drama team. ;)

The third was from the Youth leaders after our meeting. Some of them called it pathetic, but I thought it was incredibly funny. As I said, I wasn't expecting anything, so any inkling of a surprise is still a surprise. Thank you for the ice cream!

So, that was it, I thought. But the real surprise came the day after, whereby all of my family members came down to celebrate with me, together with my friends. I never saw that coming, well, maybe until I was blindfolded. Thank you to those who put in so much effort planning, coordinating, settling the logistics, and designing. Thank you, everyone, who was a part of this unforgettable surprise. Most importantly, thank God how everything worked out so beautifully.

Of course, thank you all for the wishes as well.

My heart truly overflows with thanksgiving. Words can't describe exactly how I feel, so with every ounce of sincerity in me... Thank you, all.

Thank You, God. :)

Stepping In

I've been dreading it for a while, but the day has come. "Happy birthday..." So I should be happy, right? I'll embrace the day. :)

Thank God for the past 20 years of my life. For the entire journey, for the experiences, for the people that have been a part of it, all of which helped shape who I am today. It's unbelievable how I've lived two decades on this earth.

As I step into the third, I thank God for His goodness that has been and is to come. I never made any sense of birthday wishes. But if there were one wish I could make this day (and all my life), it'd be to live for Him and walk so closely with Him every moment.

It's all Yours. :)

The Little Things

I remember how I was praying before drawing my oral topic. I prayed that He'd let me draw whichever topic that He wanted me to. I reached my hand into the envelope, rustled the pieces of paper, and pulled a slip out. I glanced at the question, and I felt helpless. My topic required me to convince an audience of Sec 4 NT students on the benefits of the "Use Your Hands" campaign. Several friends around me had audiences of parents, teachers and board of directors, and at that time, I really wished that either one could have been my audience instead. Cos I knew that it would be so much easier for me to deliver a serious speech to adults, than an engaging speech to students. (I'm no engaging speaker!) But since I'd already prayed, I felt that I probably drew that topic for a reason...

That did not stop me from feeling traumatised though. I immediately shoved it to the back of my mind, thinking that I'd prepare it when it was way closer to the presentation day, which was this Wednesday. Over the weekend, I asked around for suggestions on how to deliver my speech, to no avail. When it drew nearer to Wednesday, I was extremely worried. That was probably the first time since my PW OP days that I felt so afraid of a presentation. Cos I just couldn't think of an engaging way to deliver my speech, yet at the same time, this presentation is a huge component of my course grade.

I finally wrote my script on Tuesday, one day before the presentation. I wrote it the best I could, ran through it a few times, and decided not to practise anymore, as I'd already felt defeated by the topic. It wasn't till 20 minutes before ALK that I attempted to run through my speech once. And it was a disaster. I skipped an entire paragraph, blanked out and couldn't remember my first point, and then blanked out again and couldn't remember my second point. I began to panic big time. But it was time for class and I had no chance to practise it anymore.

The presentations kicked off with the first person. (I was the ninth.) I started to feel nervous. By the time it got to the fourth/fifth person, my heart was thumping so hard I thought it could just jump out of my mouth. And then, I prayed. I told Him how scared I was, told Him that I couldn't do it, told Him that I really needed Him. Almost immediately, my heart stopped thumping so quickly. His peace just came over me that instant, and I was amazed. I sat through the rest of the presentations before mine, calmer than before, but all the time still praying.

My turn came. I went up and when I faced the class, I felt a sudden motivation to give it my all. The timer clicked, the cameras rolled (yes, we were all videoed by two cameras), and I began my speech. I couldn't have asked for a better audience. They were all so supportive, so responsive, it spurred me on, giving me more and more energy to speak. I thank God for His enabling, that I could remember everything that I wanted to say! Well, I did blank out for an instant at my third point. But somehow, the class was still amused by what I said before that, so on the pretext of "giving them time to react", I recalled the point just in time. Wow, thank God indeed. I find it almost shocking that I managed to engage the class somewhat. But I knew that it really was His strength in my weakness. Thank God for the class. And thank God for the Q&A session as well, for Yasmin giving me a question that I could answer. (Of course, I threw her a question that was simple yet allowed elaboration as well! And BTW, I love her confidence in presentations lol.) You have no idea how liberated I felt when the whole thing was over!

On hindsight, I couldn't have asked for a better topic and audience. For the amount of worry I had before the presentation, I actually had fun while I was doing it! Thank God for that, really. Thank God for His strength and most importantly His presence throughout. Thank God for having seen me through! And it amazes me that even in little things like this, He is still in control! :)