Not By Feelings

Because I said yes all too quickly. Because I went with obligations rather than emotions. Because I felt that changing my mind would make me seem so irresponsible. Because Matt. 5:37 says, to let our "yes" be "yes"...

That is why I'm in a state of regret and unhappiness now. How am I getting through Friday after Friday, meeting after meeting, all the way till April? But I suppose I did what's required of me... His grace is sufficient, no?

I've always been a very emotional person. I do what I want to do, I do what I feel like doing, I escape from what I do not want to do, I refuse to do anything that I do not feel like doing. But over this past week, the Lord has been teaching me so many things about this. For one, the project. For another, reaching out to people I do not feel comfortable with. Still another, going for certain activities. All these I wanted to turn down, as I did not WANT to do what I did not FEEL like doing. But somehow, a reminder kept popping up at the back of my mind. To stop depending on feelings. Step out in faith. Stop depending on feelings. Step out in faith. Stop depending on feelings. Step out in faith...

I thank God for His grace to put my feelings aside. I was deeply encouraged over the weekend. Saturday's outing was awesome. Sunday's Street-E was amazing. It was the first time I was placed in a "mentor" position. I was so worried, as I was usually paired with someone more experienced than I am who could "bail me out" when I was stuck. Not this time. This time, I was to guide. But thank God for His enabling, for just giving Daniel and me words to say. And thank God for Daniel, I'm just so blessed by his heart in wanting to reach out to the lost. Looking at him going up to strangers, asking them introductory questions... It just made me feel ashamed of myself. What was I doing at 15? Gossiping about the whole world, I'm serious. So anyway, we met with much discouragement and distractions at the start. Until we got to the last two people. One of them didn't really seem to be listening, so I just did my best to share, concentrating on the other lady. When I got to the decision part, I was nervous. (Cos I always get stuck there and have to wait for my partner to jump in.) But at that time, I knew I had to ask for her decision. I was just blown away when she made a profession! That was a first for me. Thank God for having led us to the one whose heart was ready. Thank God for working in this dear lady's heart, and for giving me wisdom in speech. Thank God for a great partner as well! I'm gonna cherish the last few weeks I have for Street E...

Thank God for Valentine's Day yesterday. It was a nice evening spent with the two singles and one couple. Thanks Charlotte for the gifts! (She drew my name for the gift exchange and I drew hers.)

And today, seems to be the day of goodbyes. Goodbye my friend, I never really thought that I'd actually miss you when you're gone but I apparently will. Goodbye to you, your departure came as a surprise to me but your contributions to the family will not be forgotten and I wish you all the best. Goodbye my favourite professor, English modules will never be the same without you but I trust that you'll continue to impact and inspire lives wherever you go. Take care, and God bless.

Teary eyed...

Sentimental Moods

Thank God for this year's Chinese New Year. I daresay it's the best I ever had. Maybe the atmosphere wasn't there. But what I love about it is its simplicity. More importantly, the time I spent with my cousins. I enjoyed myself so much, and I really thank God for this relationship we can have with one another. And you know, what tops it all is that my relatives said that I've changed. This, I know, can only have been brought about by Him.

So after the past few days, I'm officially in one of my "sentimental moods" again. Yes, I've decided to term it that way. Maybe this is the cause, maybe it's not, for my slight emo-ness today. I've been feeling this since the year started and it's only becoming more evident. For some strange reason, I feel that a certain group of people have become strangers to me once again. The relationships built last year, all of a sudden seem to have dissolved in an instant. But of course, maybe it's just me. You know how we often blame the world when something goes wrong but never ourselves? Perhaps that's just what I'm doing. Perhaps I'm the one who has yet to tear down those walls.

I was just telling someone, if I were to live by my feelings, I would've left. But I really don't think this is what the Lord would have me do. The grass always seems greener on the other side. But this is probably just a momentary, a fleeting thought that will eventually pass. Because I just want to have fun. But when we go deeper, I suppose it is best for me to stay. Well, I said that I would give myself at least a year. And I will keep to what I said. At least a year...

Thank you for the little things you did. I wish I'd spoken to you more, told you how I felt. But well, what you did, insignificant they might be to you, warmed my day a little. :)

Once Upon A Time

There once lived a little girl. This little girl was like any other. She looked forward to Chinese New Year each year, because that meant extra playtime with her cousins, loads and loads of new year goodies, and the once-a-year opportunity to collect red packets from house to house. It was an exciting occasion for her.

A few years passed, the little girl was little no more. Teenage angst set in. Bitterness crept in. She felt that she was too cool to be playing with her kid cousins. Family talk annoyed her. Reunion dinners were a hassle. House visitation became a chore. Gone was the joy of celebrating Chinese New Year. What took its place, was a dread for this time of the year. She hated reunion dinners. She hated visitations. But she had to go nonetheless. She pulled a long face each year to show that she'd rather be anywhere else but celebrating Chinese New Year. Her mum would ask her why she had to look so angry. She frowned even more. This went on for a good number of years...

2010 came. Somehow, the hatred for Chinese New Year dissolved. While she could not relive the childhood excitement of celebrating this festivity, she no longer felt so strongly against it. She began to lighten up and slowly embrace the season.

Today, 2 days before Chinese New Year, this girl is looking forward to it once again.

No prizes for guessing who the girl in question is. There're no "somehows" to this. God can change perspectives. God can change attitudes. God can change hearts. These people are no longer mere people. They're souls. Precious souls...

You know it ain't easy. The introvert remains. But start by giving a smile, I guess.

How will it go? I pray that it'll be something different.

Today, I'm looking forward to Chinese New Year. :)