I feel like this.

And I shouldn't be. I do not have the stress of exams on my back, neither do I have the woes of working life. I'm just a jobless, aimless nineteen-year-old slacking no end. Perhaps that's why. A person having too little to do and too much time to spare, starts pondering about life in the wee hours. My life. Was on the phone with Val the entire bus journey from church, was telling her of my sudden thought last night, that I've probably thrown my life away. Well it isn't half as serious as it sounds, but you know, our little decisions here and there can bring much grief to the ones dearest to us. While I'm not thinking much about the years I've slacked away, while I'm ever thankful for my miles from decent results, I've unknowingly hurt my parents so much. They don't really tell it to me but it can be seen from how my dad's been worrying over university courses, printing out sheets of information for me, and how my mum's trying to hide all that with cynical comments to my relatives. There's no way I can relive the years again, and sermons always tell us not to look back. But each time I accidentally overhear my talking about me, it's enough to feel her frustrations. No nasty words, just how she truly feels. And it makes me question why I'm so unmotivated and directionless.


Pick myself up... I've got no strength, I've got no zeal.


I feel extremely confused. Courses are one thing. Besides Social Science, I don't really know what else to consider. And it's not like I REALLY WANT to do Social Science. My parents are telling me loads of stuff , my mum doesn't think I should apply for social science. I honestly don't know what I wanna do in future and I'm having a headache just thinking of the courses. Of course, not my will, but Yours. But what is Your will?


Then there's the struggle with surrendering. Being the centre of God's will. Letting God take control. But not really being able to do so. Sometimes unwilling to do so as I don't wish to do something I don't like. Surrender... I don't think I understand this word anymore.


I'm beginning to not know how to express myself. I find it tough doing the simplest of stuff, like talking to someone. I'm way too face-conscious.


It's all becoming a routine once more.

I don't feel like doing anything.

If I only had humility.

Lord, Help.