Cambodia Part 6 - Made to Worship (24/12)

I was really blessed by both sermons that day. But at the same time, they were like an open rebuke to how I've been living my life. God reveals things to us not without a reason, He wants us to be involved. But I often find myself struggling with what I know I should do, and not doing it in the end. God can reach us wherever we are, provided our hearts are in tune with Him to hear Him. But I'm often unwilling to move out of my comfort zone to the place where I'll be able to hear Him. God doesn't need a talent, He just wants someone with a willing heart. But I'm so full of excuses. Sometimes, we need to be brave to listen to God's Word. But I'm often afraid of the slightest thing, afraid to step out, afraid to simply trust Him. God wants us to be set apart, only then can we truly worship Him. But I'm often doing things for my own comfort and convenience, intentionally avoiding the little voice, finding excuses not to do what I'm supposed to. Oh, but there're so many buts.

I give up all the pleasures

From this world of sin

You in my life, that is what I long for

Jesus, You have my heart

Take my heart, revive me

Use me I pray

So that I can shine once again

In this world of sin

Set apart, I want to be
Living for You, my Lord, my Saviour
Teach me to live Your life, Your glory
That others may see Your glory in me
That Your Name be magnified today

Really...

On another note, I enjoyed performance time. It was fun watching creativity come into play, coupled with actions and all. I've never liked doing skits, but I liked the moment when we sang Heart of Worship.

When the music fades

All is stripped away

And I simply come

Longing just to bring

Something that's of worth

That will bless Your heart

I'll bring You more than a song

For a song in itself

Is not what you have required

You search much deeper within

Through the way things appear

You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship

And it's all about You

It's all about you, Jesus

I'm sorry Lord for the things I've made it

When it's all about You

It's all about You, Jesus

Doing an action song

One thing.

Cambodia Part 5 - Let's Plant! (23/12)

So it was time to get down to work after the previous day's relaxation at the beach. Let's plant some corn! It was fun, something new that I'd never done before and would hardly get a chance to do. The weather was scorching hot but I wouldn't say that we had a hard time 'cos we planted for an hour plus in the morning and half an hour in the afternoon before they called us to stop. Which I personally felt was a wise decision as upon leaving the fields, we saw many zig-zagged lines of planted corn when they were supposed to be straight lines. So that was a good move before we ruined their fields any further hahaha. But of course, let's hope that the corn does grow! :D

Hard at work!

"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and a contrite heart - these, O God, You will not despise."

Psalm 51: 17

A verse that came up during the evening sermon, on the Heart of Worship.

-

Yasmin and I were just talking about our PBL days, all the sleepless nights, then meeting up early in the morning at the SSC looking and feeling cranky, our nonsense put together, how we suffered together. It all seems so easy now, when back then PBL was sheer murder. And how fast, that the new semester is commencing in three days. The timetable's out and I'd wanted to complain but I came to realise, that as long as you're in the secondary track, your timetable's probably sad. So let's be happy sad people hahaha. I'm in the same class as Sarah for AED107 and AAE103 (Charlotte too!), and Calvin for both Math tutorials. It's not too bad I guess. I have to depend on God's strength, to step out of my comfort zone, once again.

Cambodia Part 4 - Arrival at the Goducate Home (Prey Nob, 22/12)

It was yet another 4-5 hours of travelling into Prey Nob, where the Goducate home is, our "home sweet home" for the next 5 days of camp. We didn't do much, split ourselves into our camp groups, talked to the children, rested, and off we went to the beach at Sihanoukville. It was beautiful! And once again, the splendour of the sunset just took my breath away. We'll never see such a ball of brilliance here, sadly.

That night was the worst I had in Cambodia. For some reason, I felt extremely homesick, I missed the people back here so much, I felt really lonely deep down, and I just yearned so much to fly back to Singapore and bathe in toilets with doors (lol). Thank God for the sharings during the de-brief, that really rebuked my heart. I'd unknowingly allowed high-and-mighty thoughts to cloud my mind. Thank God for the reminder that I'm in no way superior to anyone anywhere, even if I'm richer in possessions or just happen to live in a country with better living conditions. God made us all the same, He loves us all the same, and He wants us to love as He did. Whatever happened to what my focus should be? Of course, not forgetting what Lilis said, which probably impacted most of us, me included, the most. We can be swept off our feet by the magnificence of the sunset, by the vast amounts of stars in the sky, we can be so awed by them. But what about people, whom God has made even more beautiful than the sun and the stars. Do we even take a moment to think of the unsaved souls out there that God so dearly loves, or are our minds just occupied with images of nature... Which made me think, perhaps, it was more sympathy than grief, more indifference than care, more emotion than love...

God will make a way,

Where there seems to be no way

He works in ways we cannot see

He will make a way for me

He will be my guide

Hold me closely to His side

With love and strength for each new day

He will make a way, He will make a way

By a roadway in the wilderness, He'll lead me

And rivers in the desert will I see

Heaven and earth will fade

But His Word will still remain

He will do something new today

I lay awake for the longest time. There were so many people who'd be content with just a slice of bread, yet there I was complaining that the toilets had no doors, there was no hot water, the rice was too hard, the room was so hot, the place was so dirty... And a million more things. I was tempted to do something, but thank God for the voice within that told me not to. Because God always wants us to go to Him. First. I lay there, tears flowing, and I really talked to Him.

Cambodia Part 3 - Visit to the HIV Hospital (Koh Kong, 21/12)

There was medical work in the morning at Bakachang, which made me wish that I knew Khmer. It was a challenge understanding the villagers and getting them to understand me. But it was still a great morning, thank God for the work done there and for the response.

Boat to Bakachang!

The visit to the HIV hospital that afternoon was a bittersweet experience, I would say. It definitely wasn't a pleasant feeling walking around, looking at all the patients there and thinking of how much they have to suffer. But I was really moved by a couple of the youths who just stepped forth with love. I was so blessed by how Xiuying, Teresa and Melody shared the Gospel with one of the patients, and she accepted. It's just so amazing, how God's love knows no boundaries. What's even more amazing was the fact that God used an unbeliever to translate the Gospel for her. That was one of the most memorable moments of the trip for me. The love that was shown, the smile on her face. Thank God for the greatest Love.

That visit made me think about how there are people longing to catch a glimpse of the sunrise one more time, but here I am taking my health and everything else for granted, not realising how fortunate I am, not making full use of what I have.

And I wish, that it had been more than a spark.

Dinner at the casino was good. Even though we weren't dining in the midst of card dealers and Poker players, the place and food were awesome. Not to mention, the ultra clean and posh toilets. Ha.

The awesome view at the casino

At the dinner table

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Sarah and I are in the same class for AED107! It's too bad that the rest are in different classes and I really miss the Titans and the rest but it's already a big miracle, so thank God! :)

It's the start of a new year all over again. Year after year at this time, I just look back in amazement at each year that has gone by. How time flies. It won't be long before this year passes and I start saying the same thing again. But before we dash into the future, just some reflections on 2009. 3 main things that I've learnt over the past year.

1. Change
There were way too many times at the beginning of the year when I wished that I could be what I was like a couple of years back. I didn't like the change in me. But I came to realise, the person I was had probably been created by the circumstances around me. I hadn't changed. I learnt to accept who I really am instead of trying to be someone I'm not. People changed. My relationships were affected. It was painful at times and I would wish fervently that everything could go back to what it was like in the past. But God taught me to slowly let go, He taught me what it meant to not be crippled by the past. More importantly, He taught me that change is inevitable and through this, taught me that everything will change but He remains the same God yesterday, today and forever. I know that things will never go back to what they were before. But thank God, for He definitely has a reason for everything that happens. I just have to trust Him. Thank God for all that has changed, thank God for having taught me all this. And thank God that He never ever changes.

2. Love
Definitely something I've been struggling with. It's one thing to love a close friend and another to love someone who annoys you. But God wants us to love both. God has been showing me a lot, the different sides of people, so that I can learn to love and accept them as they are. He's reminded me time and time again, I might feel that certain people aren't deserving of my love, but I never was deserving of God's love in the first place but He loves me the same and He sent His Son to die for me. I guess there've been improvements here and there (I hope I'm not being delusional, and of course, I don't claim credit for any), but I don't deny that I still get irritated fairly easily. I really thank God for each and every single person He's placed in my life, and I pray that He'll continue teaching me to love everyone around me, as I can only do so in His strength.

3. Dependence
I would say, the greatest lesson of the year. I tend to depend a lot on friends and so often I found myself at emotional lows because of friends. There had been many moments where I felt extremely lonely, where I felt that no one cared. And I thank God for these moments, as it was only during times like these that I really came before God to pray and talk to Him. "You don't know that Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you have." We have so many distractions that they become our source of strength and happiness unknowingly. God takes them away so that we can find our sole source once again - Him and Him alone. It took me so many breakdowns to learn this. But God has been so gracious, teaching me so patiently, never ever forsaking me. Thank God that He's always there when I call out to Him, thank God that when everything fails, He'll be here to hold me.

There are just so many things to thank God for. Thank God for my family, a good break before school started this year, a place in NIE, seeing me through school, my results, the Cambodia trip, opportunities to serve in ministries. And of course, thank God for all the friends He's placed in my life. Church friends, close friends, NIE friends (lovelies and more!)... I might not have thanked you individually like what I'd been doing, but from the bottom-est of my heart, I thank God for each and every one of you. Yes, I thank God for you, reading this. :)

It doesn't seem that short, but this is probably the shortest reflection post I've done in 7 years or something. Honestly. Lol.

"As the deer pants for the water brooks, so pants my soul for You, O God."

Psalm 42: 1

Lord, help me to worship You alone.

I SO MISS CAMBODIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'd usually do a day-by-day post on my trips but this is way more than just an overseas trip, so I'll do so in parts.

Cambodia Part 1 - Hello Cambodia! (Phnom Penh -> Koh Kong, 19/12)

It was a long, long time of travelling from Phnom Penh into Koh Kong. But I must say, the stars there are simply gorgeous. Talk about starry, starry night. It was also nice looking at cows along the road. And I wish I could have riden on a tuk-tuk! But, never mind. Hahahaha.

Cambodia Part 2 - Day at the Beach (Bak Klang, 20/12)

I was really blessed by how friendly the locals are. A few of us were taking a walk down the village when we met a couple of youths from the Bak Klang church, and they offered to bring us around. We shopped with them at the marketplace, visited the school there, and went to one of their houses. Even though there did exist a language barrier, it was still a great afternoon, thank God for their warmth and hospitality!

The kids there are great too. We probably looked like martians to them initially but it wasn't long before our youths and the kids were playing together so happily at the beach! It was both a heart-warming and amazing sight. It's really wonderful, the pure, innocent, sincere joy on the children's faces. These people, they don't live in the best conditions, they're poor financially, but there's this bond among them and a contentment that can't be found in the people here. There, it just takes an afternoon at the beach to make a child so happy but here, a hundred PSP's wouldn't do the trick. Not to mention the warmth shown by the villagers to us, making us feel at home even in a foreign land. And glancing at the sea, we no longer see Singaporeans and Cambodians, but rather, we see a group of friends gelled as one. It's so beautiful seeing the love shown by the youths to the children, I was really encouraged and moved. It's truly the love of God that shone through, a love that transcends all language barriers and background differences. Thank God for the day at the beach, and for creating such a beautiful sunset, the best I've ever seen. Oh, and I'd never appreciated rice and gravy so much till that night.

Ain't the sunset and scenery just so beautiful!

I'm leaving on a jet plane~~~

Only it's not entirely a jet, and I do know when I'll be back again.

HAHA.

I'd wanted to blog an emotion-filled post but looking at the time now... Nah. I'm starting to feel excited, I can't wait to see how Cambodia is like! And, I really need this trip.

You guys better miss me!

Till the 28th! :D

Oh man oh man oh man...........

I'm really sad cos I won't see some people for 10 days or more and I know it's stupid but I'm sad!

:( :( :(

Really encouraged by this video, one of Hillsong's Worship leaders talks about her experience on losing an unborn child and how she saw a bigger God through her circumstances. Do watch it! :)

"And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

2 Corinthians 12: 9, 10

Thank God for the weather yesterday! It was our actual GESL event, thank God that the rain only came when we were done with the activities. And it stopped just before we boarded the boat back to the mainland! Woohoo~

It was fun! Besides the miscalculation of timing, but even that was amusing. We'd estimated that the amazing race would take 5 hours. Being in charge of the second last station, Jesslyn and I went to find the rest of the Chek Jawa station masters to play cards and slack around. We thought that we'd only return to our station slightly before the 4th hour or something. Who'd have known that the first team would appear at the Swiss Cottage (the station before ours) in the middle of our slacking session during the 2nd hour! We were totally shocked and had to dash to our station in case the team beat us there, which would have been hilarious wahaha. Samantha's reaction at seeing the teams was really funny. It was like, "Oh." *after a few more seconds* "OH!!!!!" *picks up the flags and dashes to her station* It was just really funny, everyone's shock at the arrival of the team, then rushing around like mad hatters packing up all the rubbish lol! So, from the estimated ending time of 5.15pm, we actually ended at 3 plus hoho. But we stayed till 7 plus before leaving, having a rollercoaster ride on a police van, playing bridge, and getting terrified by dogs in between.

Hmm. It's unbelievable how the Cambodia trip's only 3 days away, how the year is coming to a close, how school is starting soon, how my holidays just flew by like that, how the whole year just zoomed by. I guess, this holiday has been different. Maybe it's a good thing. Maybe I shouldn't sleep so much. Haha.

We don't know the reason but God does.

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."

2 Timothy 4: 7

I did the craziest cycling ever in my life at Pulau Ubin today. It was absolutely exhausting and several times I thought I was gonna faint of dehydration and starvation. But I came out of it very much alive. Words couldn't express my joy when I discovered that we'd finally returned to our starting point!

Thank God for the weather, safety, wonderful company, the experienced policemen (and woman), thank God for the trip! It was great (minus the uphill biking) and the view at certain places was simply gorgeous. Not to mention the moment of victory I felt when I successfully completed the course of our biking! It was as though I'd just conquered Mount Everest when I'd actually only cycled in Pulau Ubin hahaha. Thank God for my GESL mates, they're just awesome. :)

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb

Oh, yeah.

I'm so gonna wake up aching all over tomorrow. Wish I could stay at home and stick to my bed but well, pressing things to do! Heheh.

"Let's go bowling and bowl Sarah in!"

I honestly find that very funny. Lol.

So we (Amantha, Sarah and myself) had this spontaneous decision to hang out somewhere to countdown to Sarah's birthday. Amantha's parents picked us up in the car, drove us back to their place, after which Amantha took the car and we were on our way to East Coast Park! We didn't manage to reach by 12am, so Sarah had the privilege of a birthday song sung in the car. Hahaha. Speaking of which... It's so cool to be able to drive!!!!!!! Imagine driving out for supper in the wee hours. But anyway, we had Round 1 of supper at Murphy's Cafe, followed by chilling (some distance) from the beach. Then the crazy idea of heading to Geylang for supper at one of the coffeeshops (can't remember the name) came up. And yeah, off we went, for Round 2.

That was really cool, the sudden decisions, chats, laughter and all. Not to mention that Amantha travelled from the east to west and back to the east again sending us home, and it was rather late. Thanks girl!!!!!! :) :) Thanks for the sharing too. :)

Well thank God for you two coming down for Uth today. And thank God for the message. So simple but time and time again we just lose our focus. It's indeed a reminder that while our journeys aren't gonna be a bed of roses, God will always be with us. That alone is a really comforting thought.

I really like this picture! Credit to Serene. :)

Blessed birthday, Sarah!

And blessed first to me, hahahaha. I can't believe, I can't believe, how an entire year just swept by. Wow!

:)

"ZOOM and the semester is over."

"BOOMZ and the next semester will come." (Lee, 2009)

So true how time flies. It seemed like yesterday when I entered NIE, a clueless, almost helpless soul. And now, it's already the end of our first semester. It ended on a terrible note but that aside, thank God for having seen me through the exams. Many discouraging moments, but thank God for His grace and strength. Not to mention, I had a good laugh (to myself) when I saw that Ris Low's pronunciations of "hospitaleetee", "zeebrah" and "LEOPARD PREENS" came out as one entire 15-mark question in the Language paper! I was just completely boomz-ed by that. :D And and and, thank you Amantha, for this!

Tell me you're not going "SO CUTE" this instant.

Thanks dear girl, I had a hard time getting myself to eat it cos it's just toooooooo cute but did in the end! And we could copy other stuff next time. ;)

"Have mercy on us, O Lord, have mercy on us! For we are exceedingly filled with contempt."

Psalm 123: 3

This is so apt. Cos I'm frustrated. And it's frustrating that I'm frustrated. It's like a spectator yelling at the goalkeeper during a soccer game "HEY YOU SHOULD HAVE BLOCKED THAT BALL" like he himself could have done it better. I shouldn't be feeling this way. God doesn't want me to feel this way. I shouldn't even be thinking of those things that I want to say. It's a timely reminder. That we shouldn't criticise. That we should intercede. I have to stop thinking like I'm some high-and-mighty person. I'm simply not. It's not for me to say and do and change anything. It's for Him to. Give it to Him. Give it to Him.

Your Faithfulness - Brian Doerksen

I don't know what this day will bring

Will it be disappointing, filled with long for things?

I don't know what tomorrow holds

Still I know I can trust Your faithfulness

I don't know if these clouds mean rain

If they do, will they pour down blessing or pain?

I don't know what the future holds

Still I know I can trust Your faithfulness

Certain as the rivers reach the sea

Certain as the sunrise in the east

I can rest in Your faithfulness

Surer than a mother's tender love

Surer than the stars still shine above

I can rest in Your faithfulness

I don't know how or when I'll die

Will it be a thief, or will I have a chance to say goodbye?

No, I don't know how much time is left

But in the end, I will know Your faithfulness

When darkness overwhelms my soul

When thoughts and storms of doubt

Still I trust You are always faithful, always faithful

Certain as the rivers reach the sea

Certain as the sunrise in the east

I can rest in Your faithfulness

Surer than a mother's tender love

Surer than the stars still shine above

I can rest in Your faithfulness

I can rest in Your faithfulness

I don't know what this day will bring

Will it be disappointing, filled with long for things?

I don't know what tomorrow holds

Still I know I can trust Your faithfulness

Awesome song. It'll be up here soon!

Yeah...

Roarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

My masterpiece!

:D

I think I'll have to charge Sarah a fee for copyright infringement since she's been quoting my blog posts (the whole post sometimes) but she says she puts references, which reminds me of essays.

HAHA alright this is totally random, I'm talking about this just cos I told Sarah I'd blog about her. She's apparently very happy that I'm seated super far away from her for the Language paper, which is really mean. Really mean. Hahahahaha!

MY PHONE IS GOING CRAZY and I haven't started studying. :( :( :(

The sports hall in NIE's really elusive. You can kind of see it from the bus-stop but you just can't get to it. That's what Angela and I were trying to do for a whole 15 minutes this morning. And after we thought that we'd found the entrance, the security guard said that we had to go back where we came from cos no bags were allowed beyond that point. So we had to go all the way up to the first storey, then down to B2 by another staircase. We were totally walking in circles, lol. Thank God we weren't late!

After the paper, Sarah called and said that Amantha was looking for me cos she'd got something to tell me and she asked me to go look for them. I thought it'd be something important, but... Here's what she said.

"Ruth! I haven't copied the dictionary and I'm not done with History and I haven't revised bIOgraphy! Can you help me copy the dictionary?????"

LOL!!!!!!! I totally couldn't stop laughing. At the fact that they called me so that I could hear their intentional "compilation". BUT IT MADE MY DAY hahaha. And I hope I won't burst out laughing in the middle of the Language paper.

Speaking of which, my learning log's... 2 pages filled. And no one's allowed to react to that. In front of me, that is. :D

Oh, and over-confidence is never a good thing. Perhaps it's better to realise that early.

Off to sleeeeeeeeep.

D-day, d-day.

I know there're several insane people who're extremely excited about the exams. And I'm totally not. The only thing I'm excited about is the arrival of 24th Nov, 11.30am. Hoho.

Hmmm. When we know something so well or when we're good at something, we tend to depend on ourselves and think that we can pull it off successfully on our own strength, we fail to depend on God, and we forget to give credit where it's due. I've indeed been giving myself way too much credit. I've been focusing on the wrong stuff, I've been letting comments dictate my thinking. I shouldn't be aiming to show anyone anything so that I can feel so good about it. I have to be humble. More than that, I have to be focused.

You, just You.

I'm exceedingly proud of myself for waking up bright and early this morning to study with Amantha, Calvin and Sarah. Well, we just discussed a Grammar past-year paper, but that's good for me! The consultation with Dr. Ludwig was really cool. And is he amazing. He asked me for my name, to which I simply replied, "Ruth." "Oh, Ruth Zhuo?" He'd apparently seen my name on Facebook somehow, somewhere, but he assured us that he isn't a stalker. Haha. And his academic life's really amazing. From a student who had to repeat a year in Secondary school to being offered a place in Cambridge to pursue his Masters, eventually obtaining his PhD, that's just... Wow. :)

And I still can't get over that mental image of someone attempting to copy the entire dictionary into a 40-page or so learning log since we can't bring our dictionaries for the exams. HAHAHAHAHA!

Alright, this is a really random post. I'm just so bored waiting for the Amazing Race to start. Heheh.

My PBL journey…

Has officially come to an end! While I was waiting fervently for the arrival of this day, I can’t deny it was a bittersweet moment when we departed from the classroom. PBL was a torture in itself, all that generation of ideas, research, frustration, frequent sleepless nights, intense preparations for D-Day, not to mention the endless waiting, but it was PBL that brought five different people together! I will definitely miss the time spent together being crazy, being stressed, and being BOOMZ.

I thank God, really, for this entire experience. It’s the one project that I really soaked myself in. Knowing my character… I really thank God for my awesome group mates who pushed me to give my best and do stuff that I wouldn’t have taken the initiative to in the past. Wow, looks like I’ve learnt the art of motivation from the project! Haha. But yep, thank God for the fun and laughter, all the nonsensical stuff we said and did that would really brighten my days, the last two weeks of PBL where a few of us met up almost every day to rush our incomplete work like mad, the chilling and eating sessions, even for the trying, stressful and exasperating moments cos those were the times I got the most out of this! And how could I forget, THANK GOD FOR MY GROUP MATES!!!!!

As I’d mentioned, I felt a tinge of sadness when EdPsych class officially ended on Friday. It’s the course that I enjoyed the most, next to Grammar, and I’m really gonna miss my classmates, several of whom I might never see again if we don’t bother to keep in contact! Alright, that sounds exaggeratingly depressing but looking at how I refuse to spend an extra moment in school, it’s possible. On top of that, I’m gonna miss our random lunching and chit-chatting days at the Engineering block’s food court! Hee, that point when we said our goodbyes, I really felt rather gloomy.

The last of PBL and EdPsych. Awww.

My fabulous group!

With our fabulous tutor, Ms Lim, whom I'm gonna miss loads as well.

Since we didn't take a picture together, here's the other half of our lunching group. Their presentation slides were WOW!

BOOMZ-ERS!!!!!

Lastly, just a random picture

of negative externalities that were laughing away when the people around were trying to study. Heehee.

Thank God for the week that has passed, it's been exhausting, but it's all over. For now... Exams! And discussion of Grammar answers with the hilarious people tomorrow. So sweet of them to wait for me just cos I don't wanna go to school so early. Awww. :)

I thought I could handle it, but I can't. I need Your wisdom and guidance.

I could feel the coldness and nonchalance setting in. To an extent, I still felt a little hurt, a little angry. I didn’t think that the party deserved my time. I thought about it in the wee hours of the night, the steady rhythm of raindrops against my window, and it occurred to me. Hadn’t I just been doing 5 days of “I am set apart”? I prayed. I really have to stop taking the things and people around me for granted. I was all of a sudden so thankful for the friends God has blessed me with. Lord, grant me the patience, help me to love as You loved.

I’m extremely tired, having dragged myself out of bed this morning after an hour’s sleep to go for the Language lecture which I haven’t attended since the first week of the semester. Yeah, that was essentially my second time going for the lecture. I felt that it wasn’t worth my time, but I did resolve to go for all my lectures this week, seeing that it’s the last week of school. Well kinda. The good that came out of it was breakfast with the Boomz-ers, Angela and Amantha. All that nonsensical talk about flies and whatnots. And of course, PBL with the usual rad stuff. My group just refuses to take my suggestion on our group name being Leopard Preens. Heh.

I totally can’t wait for Friday to come and declare that PBL is over. Meanwhile, it’s PBL, essay, Math quiz….. Oh well, I’ll make my long break tomorrow a productive one. PBL, followed by studying with cool people! :D

What Faith Can Do - Kutless

Everybody falls sometimes

Gotta find the strength to rise

From the ashes and make a new beginning

Anyone can feel the ache

You think it's more than you can take

But you're stronger, stronger than you know

Don't you give up now

The sun will soon be shining

You gotta face the clouds

To find the silver lining

I've seen dreams that move the mountains

Hope that doesn't ever end

Even when the sky is falling

And I've seen miracles just happen

Silent prayers get answered

Broken hearts become brand new

That's what faith can do

It doesn't matter what you've heard

Impossible is not a word

It's just a reason for someone not to try

Everybody's scared to death

When they decide to take that step out on the water

It'll be alright

Life is so much more

Than what your eyes are seeing

You will find your way

If you keep believing

I've seen dreams that move the mountains

Hope that doesn't ever end

Even when the sky is falling

And I've seen miracles just happen

Silent prayers get answered

Broken hearts become brand new

That's what faith can do

Overcome the odds

You do have a chance

(That's what faith can do)

When the world says you can't

It'll tell you that you can

I've seen dreams that move the mountains

Hope that doesn't ever end

Even when the sky is falling

And I've seen miracles just happen

Silent prayers get answered

Broken hearts become brand new

That's what faith can do

That's what faith can do

Even if you fall sometimes

You will have the strength to rise

It's time to concuss.

I can never afford to get complacent.

I just love it when it's raining at an unearthly hour. :)

I’m just so thankful for the week gone by, I can’t even begin to thank God for having seen me through. The past few days were essentially spent on PBL, PBL, and more PBL. I do have loads to say about that, but I’ll leave that till next week, when we’ll officially be done with the whole thing. PBL’s a chore, really. But thank God for blessing me with wonderful group mates. The time we spent together almost everyday for the past few days (for Sarah, everyday) was to me, really enjoyable. How we suffered sleepless nights together, went crazy together, said the most random and stupid things… Yeah, it was totally BOOMZ. (Sarah, I’m so not the prognosticator of BOOMZ. Who’s the one who randomly BOOMZs man. Still, your Facebook post was really sweet. Thank you too, and keep smiling! :D) And yes, the SSC has since become our favourite haunt.

Thank God for the message yesterday, guess it was a really relevant topic for most of us. I’m often so distracted by a hundred things, my focus won’t stop shifting, and then it’s down to the dumps for me. Focus, focus, focus! And thank God for the little sharings last night, including the reminder that we are very weak people and it’ll be exhausting, if not impossible, to do everything in our own strength. Thank God that we can always depend on Him.

Thank God once again for the week! For PBL, for my group mates (especially my fellow BOOMZ-ers), for sustaining me, for great friends, for my Language assignment, for my Calculus test (I failed), for Thursday, for Grammar lessons, for my dad, for every word of encouragement… Yes, thank God, THANK GOD for this week! :) :) :)

Just something lame that came up during a PBL presentation yesterday.

“We, as teachers, should always put ourselves in the shoes of our students. I know that our students’ shoes might be too small for us to go into them, but we should still try.”

Gosh, that was totally lame. Nevertheless, I was laughing throughout.

To my BOOMZ group, let’s PRESS ON for our presentation and BOOMZ it cos PBL is BOOMZ and we are BOOMZ!!!!!!!!!

Did I mention that PBL drives people crazy?

Part of me wanted the bus ride to go on forever, so that my troubles could be flung off the bus at each stop and somehow disappear. Of course, it didn’t happen. The accumulation of emotions over the week eventually condensed into a stream of tears and I broke down on the bus. I felt bad. Being tired wasn’t an excuse. Beyond which thoughts just kept flowing in and out, and I became all pensive again.

I dazed in bed when I got home, with the ceiling for company, until I finally got round to picking up the phone for help. (No, that’s an exaggeration.) But I can’t thank God enough, that I can talk about Monday to Sunday and Sunday back to Monday without being coherent, without having to link anything and without identifying what’s frustrating me so much, and I can still be understood. It’s kinda… Amazing. But hey, thank you so much, what you said was a timely reminder for me. And I’m truly encouraged by how God has been working in you. Let’s press on together, once again! :)

Well, the whirlpool of emotions has finally died down. I realise, I’ve got so much to thank God for and I haven’t bothered to do so. Even the simplest of acts can really cheer one up. Let’s focus on the good of this week now. Thank God for the study-attempt-that-failed and shopping with Yuqian, thank God for LAAAR (my AAE101 assignment group, it should be LAAA now haha) for being so responsible and accepting, thank God for my PBL groupmates for their understanding and entertainment, thank God for Jesslyn for being so nice and steady about my last-minute ways, thank God for every single one who helped out for Vibe yesterday, thank God for every single message, every single sharing today, and thank God for all of you!

The stuff that amused me.

"Hey, our safe assignment score is 9%."
"Okay, but I think "had been fooled" should be changed to "have been fooled".
"Ooh I've changed it, and our score is now 11%."

And what made me laugh until I cried during Ed Psych.
My SMS to Yasmin: Hello! How's your day!
Her reply: Very good. What about yours? So what are you doing now? Having lessons?

We were sitting beside each other at that point of time.

The outcome of having unlimited SMS-es, you know? But it wasn't me who started this whole thing. Hahahaha. And this just proves that PBL either causes people to fall ill, or it drives people into extreme lame-ness and madness. :D

Speaking of which, here's a shoutout to my fellow fighters to press on over the next 2 weeks! I'm not planning to eat PBL, drink PBL and breathe PBL, but I'll DO PBL!!!

Take control...

And I keep reminding myself, over and over again. But reminders don't work until they've really sunk in. Apparently it hasn't. Because I'm overwhelmed with my own questions, instead of taking time to pause and listen to the answer. Because I'm only looking at what I cannot do, instead of what He can do. The reminders go on, I'm ostensibly convinced, but I continue questioning. And questioning, and questioning...

So, I ran out of patience. I didn't do anything, didn't say anything, but I felt everything hitting the boiling point. I think, it was exasperation verging on desperation. Currently, I'm confused. And once again, the questions come in. This time, I'm looking back.

I don't even know what I'm talking about now. All I do know, is that I'm super tired! Well more of physically this time. I haven't been waking up before sunrise on Wednesdays for 2 months (yeah you may infer for yourself what that means) and it was no easy battle between school and sleep, with the former, very thankfully, reigning this time. (Who can I blame but myself for rushing all my stuff last night.) I was soooooo sleepy I thought it possible for me to have been sleep-walking for a moment until I nearly fell into the drain beside me. Hahaha but that's not the point. The point is... School is a stressed-up land right now! I was just looking at my groupmates, looking around me, looking and listening... I decided, that having had 4 hours of sleep last night was good. Oh, to have someone prod me with a sense of urgency will be great.

Now isn't the time to think. Now isn't the time to watch. Now isn't the time to fear. Now isn't the time to cry. Now is the time, to depend and to DO.

People are never meant to fill an empty heart. He is.

You've gotta watch this, it's HILARIOUS! Especially if you're a J2 Math student preparing for your A's. Hahaha.

Much as I'm always looking forward to the weekends, I kinda can't wait for this week to be over. There seems to be sooooo much to do by Sunday and I'm procrastinating as usual. Thank God for the week gone by though, especially the later part. Yesterday must have been the first time I actually felt thankful to be able to go to school, thank God for my dad giving me a lift all the way there! I must have had at least 3 people greeting me with, "Hi Ruth, haven't seen you in a long time!" I'm just thin and hidden. Thank God for Grammar mid-term results, but I'm already prepared to fail both Math papers. And thank God for funny people hahahaha.

THE TRAUMA OF AED105 IS FINALLY OVER!!!!!!! Not that I was suffering for a long time since I only started last night (yes, enter the "ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!") but I almost had a mental breakdown. Thank God for the strength and focus to complete it. I'd lasted 28 hours without sleep by the time I concussed! Haha. Moral of the story, never do a 2000-word essay one night before the deadline. Hunting for evasive information from websites, books and journals just so that the citations can be done up is more than enough to kill. But let's see if I end up doing the same thing again for Ed Psych. Now for the next big thing - PBL, amidst other "smaller" assignments. Go go go!

Hmm. I guess we're getting affected one way or the other, and we're tired. At least, I'm quite tired, but I know that I shouldn't be. I should be on fire, but once again, it's a touch-and-go thing. How...?

The world is smaaaaaaaall. :)

"I started studying at 10pm."
"Wow, that's an improvement!"

That made me laugh.

Beyond my exasperation at some other stuff.

I'm gonna hit my limits.

Literally, and maybe not so literally.

Once again, I come to You, asking for Your love in and through me.

Thank God for the first boat-fishing experience, fine weather, food, fun, fellowship, fish, and false alarms. Lol.

A little schedule of the week to shock me into motivation.

Tues: Calculus Mid-term paper
Tues: PBL e-portfolio
Thurs: Algebra Mid-term paper
Fri: AED105 essay due
Fri: Ed Psych e-learning tasks due
Sun: Math online quiz due
Progress: ...

Woohoo! It's gonna be an exciting week ahead. I guess it has successfully overwhelmed me, but I'm... None the more motivated. I'M GOING TO SLEEP.

I've gotta magnify God.

Stop staring at the wall. There's nothing on it.

It feels as though I'm having another week of holiday. I decided to visit the doctor this afternoon. After the routine check-up, he said, "I'm going to cover you with lots of rest, I'll give you 2 days' MC for today and tomorrow." Oh, wow. This is really boomz. I wasn't feeling half as bad as yesterday but since he said to rest, I'll (very) gladly do so. And in doing so, the amount of hours I'll spend in school this week will probably total up to 5.

I can't believe that Farhan's out of Sg Idol. We all know how "awesome" he sounds, but we know also how Singapore usually votes. This is the 1 percent of the time Singapore votes right. It's totally boomz.

I apologise for the sudden Ris-like-ness in this post but thanks to the medication (which is making me feel more brain-dead than without), I'm... Yeah, brain-dead. And there're truckloads of studying and assignments parked outside my gates, which I still refuse to open...

Casting Crowns – Until The Whole World Hears

Lord, I want to feel your heart

And see the world through Your eyes

I want to be Your hands and feet

I want to live a life that leads

Ready yourselves, ready yourselves

Let us shine the light of Jesus in the darkest night

Ready yourselves, ready yourselves

May the powers of darkness tremble as our praises rise

Until the whole world hears, Lord, we are calling out

Lifting up Your name for all to hear the sound

Like voices in the wilderness we're crying out

As the day draws near

We'll sing until the whole world hears

Lord, let your sleeping giant arise

Catch the demons by surprise

Holy nation sanctified

Let this be our battle cry

Ready yourselves, ready yourselves

Let us shine the light of Jesus in the darkest night

Ready yourselves, ready yourselves

May the powers of darkness tremble as our praises rise

Until the whole world hears, Lord, we are calling out

Lifting up Your name for all to hear the sound

Like voices in the wilderness we're crying out

As the day draws near

We'll sing until the whole world hears

Want to be Your hands and feet

Want to live a life that leads

To see You set the captive free

Until the whole world hears

And I pray that they will see more of You and less of me

Lord, I want my life to be the song You sing

Until the whole world hears, Lord, we are calling out

Lifting your name up for all to hear the sound

Like voices in the wilderness we're crying out

As the day draws near

We'll sing until the whole world hears

Not bright enough, the intensity of the lamp isn't at its greatest.
Not loud enough, the volume of the speaker isn't at its highest.

Focus. Focus.

Not on the wall.

The recess week came and went. I enjoyed my night life for a bit once again, caught up on my sleep, completed the Lexical Relations assignment, didn't bother starting on the Critical Perspectives essay (DEADLINE HAS BEEN EXTENDED!!!!), left Math as it is, did some PBL, loved the short rest, wished and still wish it were longer... And had a fuse shorter than usual.

That last point sunk in last night. I spent some time in bed digesting moments of the week that had gone by, musing over the fact that I actually have friends. I'm not starting a documental critique on myself, but honestly. Judging my impatience towards the people around me and how irritable I can be, the fact that they remain so tolerant and concerned, it just overwhelms me sometimes. At least, it did last night. Thank God for having spoken to me about something, a little matter, but I guess the message got through.

We often hear, that there's nothing we can do to make God love us more, nothing we can do to make God love us less. God doesn't love us because we first loved Him, because we please Him, because we excel in life, becase we are good-looking. He just loves us, the way we are, each and every one of us. It amazes me. God's love is far greater than any of us can ever comprehend and I know I can never ever say that I'm deserving of this love. I really have to depend on Him, to be made an empty vessel for His love to flow.

Ha. I was at Eunos station just now and while I was walking past two girls, I noticed one of them looking at me. She didn't look too familiar, I thought that she was staring at me cos she's never seen such a skinny person in her life and was about to walk past until she stopped me and said, "Hi! Do you want a ride home?" I looked at both of them and found the other girl vaguely familiar. Oh, they're my cousins who live two or three houses away from me! HAHA. Alright, I'll admit, I don't know my relatives all that well even though we live so close to one another. At least they recognise me. :D Yep I hitched a ride from them, it was an enjoyable and amusing chat back. :) It's good to have so many relatives living nearby, haha.

I'm drowning in an invisible pile of work (cos I've yet to lift a finger to attempt completing it)... And I can't stop sneezing. Heeee.

Here I am, just like any other normal day, seated in my swivel chair, comfortably. Way too comfortably. I move over to the window, take a glance outside, sneak a peer at the few people walking by occasionally. I take a longer look. Still a longer look. Eventually, I find my gaze trailing after their footsteps. Where are these people headed? Surely, they have in mind a destination for the day. What about the next day? And the next?

The mind drifts further, the heart draws closer. The conflict begins.

Let's go. It's a golden opportunity. Perhaps not now, later. Come on... It's been given to you on a platter! No, it's not clear-cut enough, I've got to delve into things, I'm not sure how to do it, it's too out of the way for me, I'm afraid. I'm not ready...

The conflict continues. One by one, unassumingly, the people pass...

I clear my thoughts, move away from the window, back to the same, comfortable place.

At the end of it all, I'm still seated on my swivel chair.

-

Met up with Janice for lunch this afternoon. Thank God for the time spent, for the little sharing on some thoughts. :) Headed down to NLB after that to borrow some books for the Critical Pespectives essay, thanks to Mavis' bombardment of questions last night, which made me realise how much I don't know, and how much there is to do! The trip made me recall the insane mugging for A's, and I can only say, I'm so glad it's a thing of the past. Press on, juniors! :D

Anyway, I conducted an Operation Find-the-Missing-Passport Part One, and... Failed. Anyone who wants to join in the second part of my treasure hunt, do let me know. The rewards are really attractive. Hahaha.

Help me to keep praying, to keep trusting. I need Your guidance, one step at a time. I have to trust that You are able in ways I'm unable, that You will catch me if I fall.

God works in remarkable ways, even in the most unexpected conversation with the most unexpected person. I was amazed for much of last night. Well, God will definitely open the doors if it's His will.

Haven't been getting much sleep the entire week. But I thank God that I wasn't asleep when I had lessons to learn. He's been showing me the importance of being patient, loving and humble, to depend on Him and not on myself. So many times, I'd been on the verge of shoving a whole cabbage down someone's throat (not in the literal aspect of course) but that was definitely not the way to do it, as I'd been reminded over and over again. (Come on, people need a little tenderness to digest the big thing.) It's also made me realise, how I'm constantly allowing my thoughts and feelings to hinder His greater plans. It's always about how I feel, how people think about me, how convenient it is for me. Me, me, me.

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Isaiah 55: 9

Indeed, I've got to stop searching for my reflection in the mirror, and be willing to let His strength be manifested in my weakness. I've got to let go of my emotions and hold on to His promises.

-

A meet-up to celebrate Lam Lee's nineteenth! I've realised, we don't meet up as often now, we've each got our own commitments and to a greater extent, we've changed individually. But one thing remains the same. We still say and do the darndest things. *Insert the Pokemon theme song*

-

School can be fun, non-mathematically. Laughing at interesting lecturers, amusing tutors, hilarious stories of NS, little spastic moments at the Engineering Block food court and classrooms, MSN-ing during talks when we're two seats apart, intensive correction of grammar and pronunciation... Hahaha.

I was 35 minutes late for my first lesson today. To top that, my GC died on me during my Math quiz and I didn't even know beforehand. So I had to resort to the better alternative to plot my graphs - my imagination. And I fell while running up my staircase just now, so my toe hurts now. Yeah, retarded.

We really ought to treasure all that we have now.

What are we doing about this?

What am I doing about this...

“Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the Lord. He will be like a bush in the wastelands; he will not see prosperity when it comes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives. But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”

Jeremiah 17: 5 - 8

I'm a person who resists changes. Given a choice, I would want things to remain the same, I would want to stay in the same environment, I would want to remain in the same social circle. Forever. But it's a fact, the word "forever" may exist, but nothing is forever. Nothing in this world is forever. Good health can fail, stable jobs can be lost, excellent results will be forgotten, greatest friends may no longer talk to one another.

I know that I cannot depend on the world. In reality though, it isn't as easy to live it as to say it. I still find myself unwilling to let go of the past, unwilling to step out of my comfort zone, unwilling to accept change. We can talk about what things were like months back, we can reminisce all we want, but truth is, situations have way deviated from what they were like. As much as I want this to be like it was before, I know that it will never be the same again. As much as I wish people wouldn't change so much, they will change. And so will I.

When people are the basis of our confidence, we will be disappointed, time and time again. It is only when God is the ultimate source of our confidence will our lives be deeply rooted in well-watered soil; we will never be let down.

That's why I'm placed here. The need to focus and depend on God is intensified. I'm still learning.

I need Your guidance.

Wasn't a coincidence that I came across it I guess. It's a reminder, an extremely pressing reminder, to get off the couch and DO something. Yes...

It's been an interesting week. Couple of things here and there. It wasn't too pleasant but at the end of it, I'm very thankful for these friends. There is indeed a reason, I'm still learning, still trying to change.

Brief update on my week in school. I actually passed both my Math quizzes. What on earth? It's a relatively small weightage of our final grade, but thank God! On a different note, I'm probably about to make it to my Calculus tutor's "black" list.

Amazing. Was telling Val that I had stuff to tell her, and she actually figured out the essence of what I was gonna tell her, though I didn't even mention what kinda stuff. Uh, you could call it telepathy. Lol.

May each day, thought, action, word be purpose-driven, for You.

Few nights back, after having done my quiet time, I lay in bed and the tears started flowing. Here is God's love so amazing, and there I was being distracted by one million other things during the week. My focus was way off, I was drifting further and further. Thank God for speaking to me through that verse, and thank God for the people He has placed in my life.

Thank God for the Critical Perspectives tutorial on wednesday. Our group didn't even get to rehearse once, and just went in to conduct the tutorial after allocating the parts on that day itself. It was a little scary, we totally didn't know how long each part should be, how long the whole presentation would be. Really thank God that it went rather smoothly, minus the facilitating part, and for Dr Choy interjecting lots of comments and questions in between, otherwise we'd have finished way before time. We used up the full 2 hours. So that's it, my 40% is sealed. Haha.

Yesterday's Math lessons weren't as draggy I guess. I finally understood something! Matrices, haha. And our Algebra tutor's just so amusing. He's so old, so cute, takes a whole hour to go through 2 parts of the tutorial (a typical tutorial has 6 to 8 questions and we're supposed to finish one tutorial a week), but even then, no one really understands what he's teaching. So we decided not to listen and have our private conversations. Ha. And I learnt something from English tutorial yesterday! Yay, how could you not love Phonetics. :D

Genius flew off about an hour ago. It's too bad we didn't get to meet up but it's okay, I'm so going to London one day! :D Anyway, called her up just now and she was so... Anti-climatic HAHA.

Me: Hey, bon voyage!
Genius: You should go for your lectures.

Lol. And... I'm gonna get into serious trouble soon. :/

The past few days have been pretty good I would say. Although I still feel detached for a bit, well, in His time...

It's interesting, after working on our AED105 presentation and after today's consultation, to realise how much modern-day education has deviated from the time of Socrates and Confucius (ancient, yes). Taking a broad perspective, your character probably isn't as important as getting good grades. To quote an example, a child approached a teacher as she had been given extra marks for a test, and her dad reprimanded her for being foolish. Yeah, not everyone's like that, but the reality is that society measures people by grades, parents never stop pushing their children to excel academically, results always come first. Even if you don't agree with it, you'll somehow be brainwashed into striving so hard for I don't know what. It was an interesting consultation I guess. And through talking about personal emancipation, I got to know that Dr Choy's a Christian, haha.

I'm so dreading tomorrow. Long, long, long day with all 4 of my main tutorials placed on the same day, and my tutorials are undone. Rarhhhh.

I've been feeling a little claustrophobic lately. Not in the literal sense of course, just couldn't think of a better word to describe how I feel. Let's just say, there're loads I need to learn. Sometimes, people talk all the time and barely have 5 minutes to listen to what you want to say. But other times, you're the one talking all the time to other people, barely listening to what they have to say too. Hmmm. I think, maybe, I need a short break from people.

Anyway, we did some sort of a personality test based on the bird-type version of DISC for GESL just now, and I'm a dove. The whole list of characteristics is largely true. And the adjectives are pretty much accurate as well. Sensitive, unassertive, warm (maybe not), reliable (not really), soft-hearted, avoids risks (depends), people-oriented, friendly (not so much now), patient, unassuming, loyal, cooperative (most of but not all the time), kind, caring, emotional.

This part is cool. When communicating with a dove,
- Be relaxed and agreeable
- Be prepared to answer WHY questions
- Be predictable
- Agree clearly and often
- Don't push
- Don't rush
- Compliment him or her as a team player
- Be a good listener (to a significant extent)

So now you'll know how to communicate with me! Hahaha well, people'll be fine as long as they abide by the don'ts. I guess that's why I often don't meet deadlines, and become extremely uncooperative if someone rushes me. Okay, I know, that must change. Heh.

I love fridays! Beginning to enjoy Education Psych, even though it's 2 and a half hours long. But the tutor's really funny. She'll talk about something, then go, "Oh, did I tell you about the diaper?" "Oh, did I tell you about my son?" and she'll start telling us stories, then stop and say, "What were we talking about before this? Oh, yes, yes." She has many, many stories indeed but they're really interesting, so it's okay even if she side-tracks, unlike some JC teacher, whom I shared to the class about just now wahaha.

Our tutorials have officially started, making thursday my longest and most dreaded day. Last week was still a honeymoon period, but this week, we already have a project! And our group couldn't have been more fortunate to get "Group No. 1". So we're supposed to conduct a 2-hour tutorial without getting any insights since we're the first group...... Hopefully, we can find a 1 and a half hour video clip, and talk for the remaining time. Hahaha. And the professor will just fail us.

As I've realised, I've got 7 tutorial classes, probably slightly over a hundred classmates since there're several overlaps, so... No one really knows anyone but everyone just looks vaguely familiar. But I'm proud to say that I know everyone's names in my GESL class, although it's just for that class, it's still an achievement! And the games just now were hilarious.

Thank God for the week, especially for today. Thank God for the impromptu dinner with Jesslyn (we were each headed home but all of a sudden decided to go for dinner at Subway when the train stopped at Paya Lebar), who attends True Jesus Church, which is like a 10-second walk from my house, haha. Coincidental. Thank God for the stuff that's been happening over the week. Well nothing really happened, but yeah, things have definitely changed and I can only keep praying, keep trusting, keep depending.

Needa stop ponning lectures and start doing my tutorials. Mission Impossible.

The first week of school's over! Didn't start off very well, I was already feeling rather down the day before school started and I felt worse when school started on the first day. It was better the next two days, probably due to the short time spent in school due to tutorials being cancelled for the first week. Wasn't looking forward to today at all, have been really sore about not being able to make it to church. But really thank God for today, it was actually... Pretty fun!

I've been going on and on about friends from other schools having timetables that are more slack than mine, having at least someone they already know beforehand whereas I don't... But everything really happens for a reason I guess. I'm not someone who'll move out of my comfort zone, I don't ever take the initiative to talk to someone, if given a choice, I'd stay in my own world. But under circumstances like these, I no longer have a choice. Thank God for the talk with a sister couple days back. School will indeed take up a lot of time such that we'll spend less time with our friends, be it in church or outside. We have to really learn to depend on God. Which is so true, as I've realised, I tend to depend a lot on my friends. High time for me to learn!

I'm still praying that our GESL slot can be changed, since all of us want it to. But finding a common two-period slot when the timetables of 22 people are so different... That's tremendous difficulty. Still........ :)

Speaking of GESL, there're people in my class who live in Pasir Ris, Tampines, Simei, who're not staying in the halls! Cool!

And it's really quick, but I've got my first month's pay! Was pretty surprised when I saw such a huge increase in my balance. Yay I'm rich!!!!!! Not. According to my dad, I've got to save up so that I'll at least have some money to pay back in case I break the bond. Hur.

I'm still uncertain about what the 8 years will bring, or how long will I take to fully adapt to schooling once again. But thank God, for He is in control. I just wish people around me wouldn't be taking notes furiously cos I don't. :(

It's my last day of freedom!

And it seems like the feeling I had a couple months back is coming back again. Perhaps it's predominantly the idea of starting school again, the realisation that EIGHT MONTHS HAVE FLOWN BY and it's back to reality. But primarily, I know it's because I've lost my focus.

The St. John's Island trip was alright, went with the intention of fulfiling a purpose over the other. But there were probably too many thoughts running in my head that I ended up feeling rather distracted lol. Still, thank God for the peace and serenity there where I could just retreat to think and pray, for the talks with several people, for the candle fight, for the interesting shower, for the exciting storm, and for all the bread. Haha. And it was cool to see Vanessa there.

I did have a tinge of excitement about starting school some time back but to be honest, it's gone and I'm actually pretty scared. I've never felt worse starting school in a new environment before this. I guess it's due to the clear goals I had in primary and secondary school, not to mention that lots of my primary school mates and a third of my secondary school mates would end up in the same secondary school and JC. It's different now, I never saw myself here, people can't imagine me being a teacher, I myself can't imagine me being a teacher. And I don't know anyone from my course. With my character, it'll be pretty difficult. What's more, I'm soooooo unprepared, the only thing I'm prepared for is to pon lessons. :X I'll really, really have to depend on God, I don't know if I'm gonna survive the course, or even simply the timetable and travelling. I really wanna go for Uth on fridays but well........ Ahhhhhhh!!!

It's a struggle all over again. I know I have to do something, but I'm unwilling to face up to it and would rather run away. Then, it all goes down...

I need to focus on You alone.
I need to depend on You alone.
Help me.

:D

I shall attempt to blog more frequently in my last remaining days of freedom before I get too exhausted by the travelling and have no more energy to do so. I don't know if I should regret not staying in the hall but well, I've made the decision to travel east to west and west to east, so I'll live with it. What's more important is my timetable. If I'm not allowed to skip lectures as and when I feel like, I'm gonna be extremely miserable. And I just have a dreadful feeling that they're gonna be really strict. Nooooooo.

Amazing quote of the day. "Eh, Ruth, I wanna get married!"

Someone asked me to blog about her but she's afraid I'll shoot her girls. HAHA.

Wanted to blog about some stuff but I'm not in a very good mood now (it's no wonder two future doctors have decided to diagnose me with Bipolar Disorder) so, next time.

Patience, humility.

Lord,

Felt a little pensive as a couple of thoughts ran through my mind in the wee hours this morning. In just an eight-month holiday, things have changed. I can only pray. Pray that God will teach me what to do, that He'll give me the wisdom to help this person. Cos I don't know how to. Perhaps it will never go back to what it was like before, but I pray that this, will take it to a whole new level. So thankful that everything may just change in the blink of an eye, but God never blinks.

I Would Die For You - MercyMe

And I know that I can find You here
'Cause You promised me You'll always be there
Times like these, it's hard to see
But somehow I have a peace, You're near

And I pray that You will use my life
In whatever way Your name is glorified
Even if surrendering
Means leaving everything behind

My life has never been this clear
Now I know the reason why I'm here
You never know why you're alive
Until you know what you would die for
I would die for You

And I know I don't have much to give
But I promise You I'll give You all there is
Can I possibly do less
When through Your own death I live?

My life has never been this clear
Now I know the reason why I'm here
You never know why you're alive
Until you know what you would die for
I would die for You

No greater love is found
Than of those who lay their own lives down
As sure as I live and breathe
Now I know what it means to be free

My life has never been this clear
Now I know the reason why I'm here
You never know why you're alive
Until you know what you would die for
I would die for You

Great song with really meaningful lyrics. Keeps reminding me...........

Time to reflect. Help me, Lord.

Thank God for the past couple of days. My for-once-fully-packed Friday, Vibe, and yesterday. I realise, it's extremely energy-consuming to be eating and laughing so hard at the same time, as what Catherine and I did throughout the steamboat dinner yesterday. And I shan't embarrass this dear sister of mine, so I shan't say that her rice flew out of her mouth due to excessive laughter HAHAHA! :D


The wake last evening was a really heartwarming one. Very much different from those that I usually attend, I must say. Sure there were tears, but beyond that, it's evident, the inner peace. The family's indeed a great testimony and it's so amazing how God has worked in their lives. Was really moved and encouraged by one of the songs, didn't understand it but managed to catch the line, when we're weak, His grace will give us the strength that we need. Well, a rough translation.


Three cheers, I'm not school doesn't start tomorrow for me! Due to the H1N1, it has become e-orientation. >.< Slightly over a week left if there's a camp next week, otherwise I'll officially start lessons on the 11th August. Hoho.


Hmm, perhaps it's better not to be too perceptives sometimes. I've always considered my suspicions rather accurate and I guess the more I observe, the more I realise how sketchy people can be. And I'm learning to control my urge to pass snide remarks.


Dear friend, just wanna let you know, that I'm really thankful for you. :)

This is it.
This is it.
This is it.


I've officially signed 8 years of my life away! Imagine not being able to even survive the course, breaking the bond, not performing to standards, facing difficult situations and people. And to be honest, I'm secretly afraid of "payback", if you get what I mean. Haha. Those were the many thoughts swimming in my head the night before the signing. But indeed, it has been pretty amazing. Whatever happens, wherever I'll end up, I don't know, but thank God, He is in absolute control.


Val mentioned something just now which struck me. When we know God better, we know ourselves better. I thought about that and started listing out my new discoveries. "Eh, wait, they're supposed to be good points!" But I guess it's only by realising our weaknesses that we can truly see how God is working in our lives. I feel like a hamburger. I'm like this on the surface, like that when I'm closer to someone, but deep down, I'm really like this. I'm still struggling with what people have struggled with in the past. It gets better, then it's not so good again. It's emotionally draining sometimes, but I will trust that God will work in His perfect timing.


Just wanna say that I'm sorry. I actually really miss some people.


Not to mention that I feel zonked.

I'm back, I'm back!


Alright, I didn't really go anywhere, other than a coupla days' trip to St. John's Island. The past week's been pretty slack, having a crazy girl stay over at my place for some days LOL. Had a great time when Iris and Cat joined us last week, although Cat is still deluded about us enjoying her presence. Hahaha. More sleepovers next time! :D


Thank God for the trip to St. John's Island! It was really awesome. Wasn't that into the fishing, I'd just fiddle with the rod for a little while not intending to catch anything, then feel bored and return it. I really enjoyed the nights sitting around at the jetty staring at the vast sea, soaking in the peace and serenity, relaxing, talking, getting to know someone better. It's really peaceful there, a feeling you can't get back on shore. I could sit there all day just dazing at the sea. And not to mention we saw a rainbow on the first evening! It was soooo beautiful. Even though I didn't leave the island too glamorously, it was still a great trip, and it's alright, I've learnt my lesson and I'll have my revenge. Wahahaha.


For now, amidst the rocking I still feel even after having left the island for more than a day, a reality check - I'm starting school soon. Wow, I can't believe it and I don't want to believe it. After so many closed doors and all that uncertainty... It's just pretty unbelievable. But after the briefing today, it's really about time to leave my dreamland!


"I can't believe you're gonna become a teacher. You becoming a teacher is like me becoming a drug addict!"


Wahhhhhh! Lol.


Short, sharp, sweet. Thank God for the past two weeks! :)

Have been thinking of soooooo many things the past week. Times I'd just lie in bed thinking of most random of things, thoughts from the east to the west. Thank God, really, for the sermon on sunday. It was a timely reminder that there is only one place we can find happiness, in God alone, not in a million other places which seems like what I've been doing. To be single-minded, not to have our focus all over the place. Cos there is only one purpose.


Jesus Calling - 33Miles


What do you see when you look at your world today
Is it so full of clutter that you feel like you’re going insane
You can’t fight back cause you’re just too afraid
And it seems like the clouds in your sky don’t wanna change


You see there’s always another story, another side to every coin
And how you see your circumstance is all about a choice


When you see the rushing wind, feel the pouring rain
Hear the thunder now as the clouds roll in
And you’re blinded by the lightning
Do you also hear that still, small voice
Saying it’s okay, you’re not alone
You may be scared to death, but I won’t let you go
You may think the sky above is falling
But can you hear Jesus calling?


What do you see when you look at your world today
Do you see a glimmer of hope, or has it all turned to gray
Well start by counting your blessings one by one
Oh and I’m sure right there, you’ll start to see the sun


You see there’s always another story, another side to every coin
And how you see your circumstance is all about a choice


When you see the rushing wind, feel the pouring rain
Hear the thunder now as the clouds roll in
And you’re blinded by the lightning
Do you also hear that still, small voice
Saying it’s okay, you’re not alone
You may be scared to death, but I won’t let you go
You may think the sky above is falling
But can you hear Jesus calling?


Because the darker the night, the brighter He can shine


When you see the rushing wind, feel the pouring rain
Hear the thunder now as the clouds roll in
And you’re blinded by the lightning
Do you also hear that still, small voice
Saying it’s okay, you’re not alone
You may be scared to death, but I won’t let you go
You may think the sky above is falling
But can you hear Jesus calling?


Most amusing description of university applications, "I feel like I'm having a rapture."
Most amusing question from Cat, "Is your house open everyday?"


I've learnt, that God will open a door when all doors seem closed. Thank God. It's pretty amazing. I did feel an inexplicable sense of assurance before that. God is working? I'll still be praying. Your will be done.


Lam Lee's coming back later! But if she has to be quarantined, I'm so gonna laugh! :D


Welcome back Diane, can't wait to meet up! :)


And I saw Dr. Audrey Han today! Was walking along an underpass at Orchard trying to figure out how to get to Far East Plaza when someone grabbed me and went, "HEY RUTH!!!!!!" Great to see her again, for a few seconds. Haha.

Feeling really stressed all of a sudden.


Lord, You're in control. Help me not to worry about what tomorrow will bring, to not question where I'll end up, but to seek first Your kingdom, to trust that You will provide.


To surrender every care...

I'm... THIS close to going crazy.


Right, I shouldn't have blown my top that day. Just one "no" and I'm getting pressed about a million other things. I thought all was fine and I could have peace but NO, it's far from peaceful now.


So, my phone's gone, one page in my bible's torn, no one's online (that I can talk to), and I'm all going mad. Honestly, you didn't have to throw my bible. That's ALL you know how to do don't you. You promised to make my life hell but for now, it already is.


I guess, my parents have never ever let me off regarding the A level results, not even after 3 freaking months. And by the look of it, they will never ever let me off. Just step on their toes for one minor, unrelated matter, rest assured, they WILL start their never-ending insults, never-ending forcing, never-ending... Hell. And then you go on and on, you can serve God if you're a doctor or a lawyer. The more you know, the more you're able to serve God. It's pointless for you to read the bible. You have accomplished nothing in life.


I probably already seem mentally unsound. I just don't know what to do. Yeah, I think I'm losing it.


Quit forcing me, quit your endless threats.


Lord, tell me what to do.

Whoa. I totally BLEW just now. Don't recall having flown into such a rage for a very long time. Regretfully, it's due to one very small thing. Decided to get out of my house (I wasn't leaving home, neither did I storm out slamming the door like what they do on TV, I walked out with... Poise). Walked all the way down Telok Kurau, headed to Parkway, went round East Coast Rd, and back home. Seemed like a depressed soul wandering around aimlessly but nah, I just needed some peace. Not that there was much, with those cars zooming around, but it was the inner peace after all that thinking. Just made me really thankful for the one thing I have.


Lord, thank You for being the only constant. I can't expect my parents to care about how I feel, I can't expect my friends to be there. But thank You Lord, for You are the only one who will never fail me, You are the only one who truly understands, You are the only one who's always going to be there for me.


My relatives are unbelievably...........


Moving on.


Joanne's back! We were at the airport to welcome her back yesterday, after which it was chicken rice at Bedok. Loads to catch up on and as usual, our conversation steered to our Sec 4 days. Honestly, the things we did, I could never imagine doing such stuff with anyone else. Extremely retarded, yet we never can stop having a good laugh each time we talk about it. I miss those days!


Today's sermon really spoke to me. The P word, and the... Other P word. Haha.


Was expressing my worries about dying in Cambodia. The response, "No, no, we're going there for our camp, not to fight a war." Lol.


Thank God, I can now swallow my food properly! It was a tiny scare, but it's alright now. At least, I think so.


I'm so dreading Wednesday. Heeeeelp. :(

Was talking to Val at 3am yesterday cos she couldn't sleep. She asked me, "Don't you ever get insomnia?" To which I smugly replied, "No, HAHAHA!" Next thing I know, I'm the one having insomnia today. Couldn't sleep a wink! Killer, it's all your fault hmph!


So here I am having breakfast, drinking diluted milo and watching the sun (what little I can see) rise. Been long since I'm up at this time, I'm enjoying the peace and quiet of the dawn breaking, but I'm probably gonna get cranky later on. Shall leave for church in over an hour, pray that I don't die halfway.


IT'S DAYLIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!