An Indescribable Camp

The past three days at the BASC Children's Camp has been an amazing experience. Even that is an understatement to describe how blessed I am by what the Lord did during the camp. I thank God for this privilege to serve. I remember when the appeal was made for helpers, I disregarded it as I never really intended to help out in any avenue to do with children. It wasn't until I was personally asked that I felt a little obliged to do so since I would be having a rather long holiday. At that time, I thought that I would only serve in smaller areas such as games or art and craft, so to be assigned the role of group leader came as a shock to me. I knew I really had to depend on the Lord as 1) I have no heart for children, yet I would be spending the most time with them and 2) I absolutely do not like to lead.

It was challenging at the start. The hyperactivity of the children coupled with behavioural problems posed by several of them in my group made it difficult for me to get them to listen. I definitely thank God that leaders come in pairs (lol), thank God for Wanxin, who's way better at handling children than I am. Thank God that as we interacted more with the children, rapport was built and they were more willing to listen to us. I enjoyed the second day at eXplorer Kid where we got to play and bond with the children. There was this boy, Guodong, who wouldn't listen to a word I said on the first day. Yet on the second day, he wanted to follow me around!

Beyond the fun I had, I witnessed first hand how God performed miracles and changed lives over the short span of three days. A 12 year-old-girl in my group gave us much difficulty initially. She would either ignore us, or respond really rudely when we talked to her. During sermons and activities, she would venture off on her own and not cooperate at all. She was even called up by Aunty Betty for fighting with a groupmate. But I thank God for using Aunty Betty to spend time and share the Gospel with her. She didn't make an immediate decision but on the last day, she went up to Aunty Betty and said, "I did it." Puzzled by that statement, Aunty Betty probed and realised that the girl had accepted Jesus into her life. And the change in her was evident. She participated in the last sing-along session. She led us in our team cheer. And when we waved goodbye, she didn't stop waving till the bus turned off into another road... Even as I type this, I'm simply moved.

On the third day, a new girl joined my group, and she was a close friend of the 12-year-old girl. I knew it was double trouble right when she started goofing around with me. But over the day, God used Aunty May to talk to and share the Gospel with her, and she too came to know the Lord. Wow, wow, wow! There were many other testimonies about other children coming to trust Jesus, and it was just amazing. Thank God for the 66 children who trusted the Lord!

Thank God for my group, Hedgehog. I would not switch a child in there for any other. Naughty as they are, they're beautiful children, each a precious child of God, each unique in my eyes. I couldn't have asked for a better group. Thank God for our assistant leader Aunty Jenny (who could only join us on the first day, yet was greatly used by God to share the Gospel during soul-winning time) and our fearless soulwinner, Aunty May! Is she good at sitting the children down to talk to them!

Last but not least, thank God for the most awesome partner I could ever ask for... Wanxin! It's been such an enjoyable three days working with her. I'm really blessed by her efforts put into the camp by thinking of our team cheers, taking care of the children so well, and simply being a great role model by His grace. It was my first time working with her and I didn't know her well prior to the camp, but quoting what she said in her text to me, I'm amazed at the chemistry we shared. Thank God for this dear sister, she's one of the few people I've truly felt comfortable working with, and I couldn't have asked for a better person to serve alongside.

We are spiky, we are cute, we are the hedgehogs, and we will win the war!!!!!

BASC Camp 2011... To God be the glory!

St. John's Island, 5 - 7 Nov

Thank God for the wonderful getaway to St. John's Island from Saturday to Monday! The last time I set foot on the island was 2 years ago and this time I went back, I'm reminded once again of why I love the place. The scenic seaview, serene surroundings away from civilisation... I wish the trip had been longer, but over the short span of three days, I had a marvellous time. I will let the pictures, which were all taken by Catherine, do the talking.

The red, blue and green

.

Playing Kart Rider Rush with Isaac and Ira. Love the boys!

Group shot over steamboat, minus Charmaine (who was behind the camera) and Alicia (who left earlier that afternoon).

With the guys, whom we didn't hang out much with 'cos they were always out fishing. Nonetheless, they were great fun, especially Darren, whose every line uttered is of great entertainment value lol!

Aunty Alice! Was simply lovely talking to her about many things!

The girls, who were amazing company throughout.

Charmaine being a bully as usual. I was trying to pose glamorously for the camera while in that position, but... I guess the picture says it all.

Lamb to the slaughter... The evil monkeys dragged me all the way to the sea where Kong decided to walk off, but Charmaine really dunked me in! Single-handedly. But with me clinging onto her, she partially got in too, so I'm happier. :D

So, presenting to you the wet pair.

Once again, I boarded the ferry dripping wet. (The same thing happened two years ago.) But this time, I wasn't alone. Haha! That aside, I'm just so thankful for the getaway. Thank God for Kong organising, planning for and contributing so much to this trip, for Charmaine helping out with all that and her labour of love in the preparations during the trip, and for everyone's awesome company one way or another! I enjoyed myself tremendously playing with Isaac and Ira (catching, iPhone games, card games, etc.), talking with Uncle Ivan and Aunty Alice, watching the guys (Kong, Darren, Daniel and Hansen) fish, and hanging out with the girls (Siqian, Catherine, Alicia and Charmaine)! Not to mention, we had our very own worship, sharing and prayer session on Sunday in a comfortable, cosy group. And I thank God we missed our ferry back on the last day and had to wait 2 hours for the next one, which gave us time to chill on the island and capture many beautiful memories with the cameras. (That gave me time to be thrown into the sea too...)

It was simply a refreshing time spent with the people there, catching up, talking, playing and such. I had a nice Sunday afternoon in the kitchen (somewhere you'll hardly catch me in) too, helping and learning from Charmaine how to prepare the various dishes for steamboat (and annoying her from time to time with the little things I did lol). So once again, thank God for the three days, thank God for each and every one who went!

I Refuse...

... to be taken down by this massive workload. No matter how tough it's gonna be, I've gotta fight on. 'Cos I'm remembering to count my blessings. And all this will come to an end. Just two more weeks...

Phil. 4:13 is mine to claim.

Stand strong, in Him!

His All-Sufficient Grace

It was a busy two weeks. Deadlines upon deadlines, meetings upon meetings, presentations upon presentations, tasks upon tasks... I knew at the beginning of it all that I didn't want to sulk through all of that though. I prayed, that I would truly depend on His grace and hold on to His promise, that the joy of the Lord would be my strength. I just knew He would see me through.

And of course He did. I'm just glad it's all over. I did feel frustrated at a point, but come to think of it, it's all about Him. What's a little indignance on my part, right? Thank God for having seen me through. The battle is not over, but thank God for the temporary rest I can enjoy now. Anyways, I'm supposed to be a "free bird".

Am still a little sad. But I'll entrust these emotions to You, that You might weave this melancholy into a love for the soul.

To end off on a lighter note... Pizza-cum-slumber party at Charmaine's tomorrow!

Junior Year

I'm now three weeks into the first semester of my junior year. It's a significant jump from Year 2 in terms of module nature, class timings, and the amount of readings and assignments. Many say that Sem One of Year 3 is the worst semester. It is indeed very tiring, but I wouldn't go as far as to say that. For now that is. I thank God that I don't dread going to school. In fact, I look forward to the moments I get to catch up with friends I haven't seen and talked to in months. Thank God for times like these that make going to school fun. And how can I forget... I've got the best timetable I've EVER got, the first four-day week I've EVER had!

Thank God for the first few weeks He's seen me through. I guess it's easy to say that it's fun now, seeing that I haven't arrived at the hectic periods. (Soon enough though.) But I pray for renewed strength from Him each day, a constant dependence on Him, and sustained purpose in going to school. And if the Lord's willing, may this be redemption year! ;)

Marvellous Memories, Bountiful Blessings

Like a toss of a boomerang, the five weeks I spent in Damai flew by. The only difference is, the time ain't coming back ever.

I'm truly blessed by this experience. Like I mentioned in an earlier post, I'm so amazed how God answered my prayers and brought such a huge group of trainees into my life. I thank God for them, I thank God that we got along so well. I recall the many meals we'd have in the canteen and staff lounge each day, the chit-chat sessions, the birthday celebrations, the outings, and the support we'd give to one another whenever we had a rough time in class. I'm thankful for the friendships built, I won't forget them, and I pray that we'll still keep in contact somehow!

Thank God for the privilege to observe 1A1, 1A3, and 2E3. I didn't think I was gonna bother very much about the students. After all, I was only gonna be there for a short time and I was just observing the classes. How wrong I was. The students grew on me, and it's rare, but I actually found them adorable. Really adorable. Annoyed as I got with some of them, I never could stay angry at them. At the end of the day, they just made me smile. As I gave my goodbye speech to 1A3 last Friday, that scene where the students asked me not to leave, requested my Facebook, even wanting my autograph... I was pretty moved. Well, I'm glad I can keep in contact with the class, but it's my regret that I didn't get to say goodbye to 1A1 and 2E3. But as much as I miss them, life goes on. I can't thank God enough for letting me get to know and interact with these students. It's a pleasure.

It's definitely been a culture shock, a place and experience very different from how I was brought up and where I studied. But God has opened my eyes to the beauty of it. It's a realness of the world that I haven't seen. Where I came from, everything was fast, task-oriented, and it was all about reputation. Where I went to, it's just different. I began to see that the struggles in life are so real. It's not about pushing, pushing, and pushing to attain excellent results. I began to see that it's worth it to slow down, cultivate the foundations in a person, shower some care and love. I guess it'll be more rewarding teaching in such an environment. But it's no walk in the park. Let's see where God leads me next year, and for my 4 years.

I don't think I can fully express in words what I experienced and learnt the five weeks I was there. But that was for sure one of the best experiences I had this year. Once again, I thank God for the attachment, the staff, the students, the memories, the blessings, the lessons. And I'm still praying that He'll imbue in me a genuine passion for the road ahead and beyond that, a love for His people.

Thank you, all, who walked this journey with me and thank You, God, for Your unceasing presence.

Learn To Teach

This practicum presented to me my first teaching opportunity. Prior to the practicum, I was sure I didn't want to get involved in the hard work of teaching since I wouldn't be required to do so. So I couldn't believe it when I actually told my Math CT that I wouldn't mind teaching. Fortunately or unfortunately, she granted my request and gave me quite a number of lessons to teach, including an entire chapter! (Of which thinking back, I hope I did justice to it.)

Teaching is tiring. Think of talking with a raised voice for a full hour, telling students to keep quiet and go back to their seats 348729356 times per lesson, repeating instructions and over and over again, explaining the same questions individually to so many students, feeling frustrated when their foundations aren't there, being annoyed at their behaviour... After every lesson, I'd just be so tired. But despite all this, I can honestly say that I enjoyed myself. It was tough, but I love the experience, and am thankful for it.

I have so much to learn. I have to learn to scold and shout (lol). I have to learn to lower my expectations. I have to learn to be patient when students don't understand their concepts. I have to learn to be willing to spend time grounding their basics. I have to learn to be way more prepared for each lesson. I have to learn to slow down. I have to learn to toughen up for the exponentially greater load that is to come. I have to learn to depend on Him. So that I can learn to love each one of them.

I can say outright that despite the noise levels and occasional annoyance, I love my students from the three classes. But that's because I'm only seeing them for five weeks. Right now, I do not have the confidence to say that I can love my students in future when I'll be seeing them everyday of the year. But ultimately, I have to remember that a student is not just a student, but a person with a soul. And I know I will not be able to love them apart from His love.

I'm Glad...

I have decided to archive the experience of the Europe trip and church camp in my own memories, between me and God. Because it's time to move on.

In the past week...

I'm glad I took a little step to organise a small surprise celebration for my colleague's birthday. That simple deed made her so happy it simply blessed my heart. Thank God for my fellow trainees being so spontaneous and supportive. What can I say, but God has been so good throughout my practicum. I remember how I was deadly afraid to go to school on the first day 'cos I thought that I was the only one posted there. But He brought alongside 10 other trainees from different programmes, different universities. I thank God for these wonderful colleagues and how we get along so well together.

I'm glad I went for Street E last Thursday despite the major discouragement I faced the week before. I struggled to decide whether or not to go, as I had half concluded that I wasn't cut out for Street E. The eventual decision to go showed me once again how God honours the little steps of faith, and led me to come up with my own quote (I love these things) - "The number one requirement in being used by God is not competence in our work, but compliance with His Word." Thank God for the open hearts that day, may He work in them that these precious souls might come to know Him.

I'm glad I had an opportunity to teach for the first time ever yesterday. It was a Sec 2 Math class. I don't think I taught everything crystal clear, but we've all got to start somewhere, don't we. Thank God for giving me the voice and helping me cope with the stress of being observed by my cooperating teacher.

I'm glad I stayed back to conduct a Math remedial class today. I left school at 5.20pm, but I was strangely happy. Happy that I could help the students in their work, happy that they were willing to ask me questions where they struggled, happy to be a dedicated trainee (for once) lol. I have loads to learn where teaching is concerned, I don't think I can say that I have the passion to teach as of now, and I know the road ahead is gonna be challenging. But by His grace and guidance, I will walk the path!

I'm glad, I'm just glad, because God is so good!

Four Weeks Away From Home (Part 1)

Just in case you thought I died or gave up on this blog, I'm very much alive and active. The title says it all. ;)

This series of posts will cover my sights, experiences, thoughts, feelings and reflections on the three weeks I spent in Europe, and the one-week (5 days, to be precise) church camp in Batam.

I was way excited to set foot in London. That was a childhood dream of mine, no kidding. I couldn't believe that my dream was gonna come true! But truth be told, I wanted to go overseas for another reason. I was drained and needed a break. Yeah, I was on holiday, what could be so tiring, right? Which is why they say, man always looks at things on the outside, while God sees the heart. And every part of that wasn't right. I was sick of doing things as a routine, sick of weekly meetings, sick of serving, sick of trying to be a different person in front of others, sick of being under scrutiny, sick of people. I was. It was unsettling. I needed to leave. I needed a time-out. But in actual fact, I wanted to escape...

And there my escape plans came to pass. Within the first few days, God taught me a valuable lesson. It was then that I regretted being a little too rash. Was it a right decision dropping everything in Singapore to live with a couple of friends for three whole weeks? While it was great in London and Prague, a part of me wished that I was back in Singapore, that three weeks would zoom by quickly. The reason? The relational aspect wasn't going well. We were kinda stepping on one another's toes for some odd reason, and just for that, I appreciated certain people around me so much more. And even with a bunch of good friends, I felt so alone, so empty inside. That was when I really turned to God in prayer. I knew I needed to draw closer to Him. If what it took was for me to be drawn away from everyone else into solitude, so be it. I was in need of Him. And I thank God for showing that to me.

Looking back, I thank God for the rough start. Right at the start, I'd requested many people to pray for me, that I wouldn't be too caught up in the fun and travelling but rather, focus on Him. If it weren't for the initial discomfort, I might simply have basked in all the laughter and turned away from Him. Thank God for those moments that not only made me pray and depend on Him, but also helped me realise how I've taken several people around me for granted.

Thank God for answering my prayers too. I was praying fervently for our relationships to improve. For a few days, nothing happened. But on the third day in Prague, the whole dynamic seemed to change. There on out, we got along great. Of course, it wasn't perfect, but it did seem like a 180-degree switch. Was I amazed. I knew He'd heard my prayers and answered them. I was just so awed, so thankful, so appreciative of all that I had.

(To be continued...)

Help...

After three weeks of a fun, relaxing time, I'm missing Europe terribly, and am not looking forward to church camp tomorrow. Yeah, I'll be brutally honest. I'm scared, and I absolutely do not wish to go. I feel like I've been gone so long. My cousins asked if I could just go over to their place for a little while since they haven't seen me for a couple of weeks and will only see me next Friday, but I couldn't find the time to. I miss my family, and I want to just stay home, rest out of my jet-lag, and spend time with them.

I'm apprehensive of the rooming. I'm not saying anything about my roommates, but I'm not close to them at all. It makes me feel awkward.

I'm terrified of the shepherding responsibility. I'm required to shepherd 4 girls, 2 whom I'm not close with, 2 whom I've not met. I don't deny my eyes nearly popped out when I saw my name as a shepherd. Me? Of all people? I know I won't make a good one.

Then that's where faith comes in isn't it? I'm way out of my comfort zone this time, in rooming and responsibility. I can't do it. I can't click with people naturally. I can't lead. I can't reach out. But there's one thing I can do, and that is to trust God with all that I can't. It's always a choice. I can stay in my dread mood, or I can go expecting Him to work. I feel that right now, I do not have the capacity to trust. But let me remember that God is way bigger than my thoughts and emotions put together.

I'm physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually down. Lord, I really, really need You. Please prepare my heart, and work in it...

Don't run out on your faith...

Beneath The Still Waters...

... Lies a strong undertow.

Empty me of the raging waters

Empty me of the extreme chaos

Empty me of the selfish person

And fill every single bit of me
With You, with You, with You...

Not My Cup of Tea

If I were to rank my talents, acting would be near, if not at the bottom. I can't act for nuts. And you wonder how I ended up on stage a couple days ago for the Easter drama. Well, I did not mean for that to happen. But let's just say that it was a God-given opportunity, one I'm incredibly thankful for.

It was a humbling, but enriching experience. On one hand, I struggled to get myself into the role, struggled to express myself, struggled to let loose, struggled with the fear of going on stage. I would play the scenario of my legs crumbling or my heart jumping out of my mouth right before I went on stage in my mind, and I would feel all afraid. Sounds silly, but those were the thoughts that ran through my mind. I was afraid. Yet on the other hand, I was pumped. I knew I couldn't do it in my own strength. And that would be the perfect opportunity to fully depend on and glorify Him at the end.

I'm just overwhelmed by how He's worked through me. It was no perfect performance I put up that day, but I know that I couldn't have done it without Him. That was truly His strength manifest in my weakness. It's simply amazing. I remember how my heart was beating so quickly last Christmas before I went on stage to narrate. But this time, He took away my nerves and I managed to remain calm all the way till I made my appearance. Thank God for His peace, and for helping me remember my lines!

I can't help but think about this constantly - there're so many people out there who're tons better than me, so many people He could've used, but He used such a weak vessel in me. I'm thrilled, I'm blown away, I'm nothing but privileged.

Thank God for His hand upon the entire drama too. We saw how everything went wrong during the rehearsal the night before and on the actual day itself but when it came to the actual shows, everything clicked. The slides, video and audio clips, lines, everything. WE couldn't have done it without Him.

Acting... Still isn't my cup of tea. And so are many other things. But it's really in such situations that we truly learn to depend on and surrender our weaknesses to Him. It's scary, nonetheless exciting. At the end of it all, I can only look back, stand amazed, and proclaim, "To God be the glory!"

So Small

My brain was at saturation point from all that intense cramming, and I decided to take a breather along the area between Marina Square and Esplanade. As I soaked in the fresh evening air, gazed at the vast skyline and towering buildings, I felt so small. And it dawned on me that as I was small, so was everything around me and of me. My circumstances, my problems, my dreams, my plans - of which constitute the mountain I've been climbing, at the end of the day, are just grains of sand. In the eyes of God.

I've held much hope for my results this semester. Because I wish to salvage the ruins that my Math modules WILL cause, I told myself that I had to do well for my English and Education modules. I had to get A's. But after what happened last week and what was in my human tunnel-visioned term "a crushing defeat" yesterday, all hope seems lost. So while I was enjoying a short time of worship and prayer with Him just now, everything in my mind just clicked. Those were my plans, my thoughts, my desires. Did I even commit them to Him?

Thank God for speaking to me in those 20 precious minutes. I no longer want to be constrained by my own thoughts. I want to lift them up to Him and trust in His outcome for me. As I begin the battle tomorrow, I want to hum this song in my heart, and truly mean it.

All of my ambitions, hopes and plans
I surrender these into Your hands...

All to You, and all for You.

Thoughts on Counselling

Firstly, we're done with the presentation for our Counselling module! Thank God for awesome and highly efficient groupmates. The process was draggy at times (well as with most projects), but we got a pretty interesting topic, Depression and Anxiety, to work on, so I've definitely learnt valuable lessons from all that research. Did you know, that 1 suicide occurs every 40 seconds? (Okay don't remind me, I was trying to sound serious while getting this point across but my classmates laughed. Heh.)

No prizes for guessing why we were all in blue

And that concludes the module. It got boring along the way, but I do not regret taking this elective. It opened my eyes to matters concerning other people, and matters concerning myself. For one of the rare times, I can say that I've achieved the objectives of the course - I've learnt useful skills in Counselling that will help me as a future teacher and even as a person, and I've reflected and learnt more about myself in the process.

We were required to go through individual counselling (better termed as Personal Development Sessions) as part of the course. Although I found most of the sessions boring because I had no pressing problems or issues to talk about with my counsellor (even if I had, I wouldn't unload them on a... stranger), the sessions were useful overall. They gave me a clearer idea on my personality and inclinations, and allowed me to reflect on and reason why I do certain things. For example, why do I always say "anything" when people ask where I wish to go for a meal? Why am I so indecisive around people, but the other way round when I'm alone? Yeah, it's pretty interesting on the whole.

There were also weekly role-plays, where 3 of us in a group would take turns assuming the counsellor, client, and observer roles. Interestingly, each time I took on the role of a counsellor and my "client" bombarded me with his or her problems and feelings of despondence based on real-life scenarios, I'd have the urge to say, "I'll pray for you." But of course, I kept that back because it's not a "tangible" solution. Which leads me to question, how far can counselling help a person? Sure, we can explore solutions with our clients using the lessons we've learnt. But isn't this all too mechanic when you really think about it? After all, there's only One who can save these people from the deepest pits...

All in all, I've enjoyed the course. It's been a break away from the mundane academic courses. Sometimes we get thrown into the hustle and bustle of life and forget there's still a human side to the world. It's been a privilege sharing in people's life stories and experiences, a window view into the future. Stripping away everything that goes on around, I'm still human, and so are the people around me.

And no, I ain't gonna S/U this module. Fight till the end, man!

6 Sessions in Retrospect

We concluded our support group sessions yesterday. Time flies, it's been 6 weeks. I daresay I've gained a fair bit of insight from these sessions. Perhaps some people do not see the point of the sessions, but to me, each session was extremely meaningful. I'm blessed to have awesome facilitators, and more than awesome groupmates.

I'm surprised by how ready I was to share. This could be attributed to the relaxed, comfortable atmosphere we had. Another reason could be that I didn't know them that well. Yes, it makes more sense to be more holed up with people whom we're unfamiliar with. But for me, it happens to be the other way round. Maybe because we're not that close, they'll probably forget what I say in time to come and it won't matter in the end. But you know, they actually called me the wise one with lots of profound food for thought, the supplier of the "Quotes of the Day". Hahaha. That's pretty cool, 'cos I do hold a secret belief that people will quote me in their books and essays one day LOL. Right... Thank God for His words of wisdom!

As we rounded up our sessions yesterday, someone told me that she really admired something about me. I was taken aback. Though sometimes I do like that trait in me, other times it's really my downfall in life. Anyhow, I thought we had a pretty sweet ending to our sessions. I'm gonna miss the little gatherings, them calling me "Orange", and all the laughter we shared.

Thank God for the 6 sessions. 21 years of my life were put into perspective, not to mention having the privilege to listen to others' life stories, with the last two sessions discussing each of our greatest strengths, weaknesses, failures, and successes. This, I haven't given thought to before, so it was hugely interesting. Well, I guess I learnt a little more about myself in the process... At least, it made me reflect a lot.

And the main takeaway I have from the 6 sessions is that who we are today is largely made up of what we went through yesterday. Some of us have been through difficult times, crushing moments, and we thought we could never come through, but we did and are all here today. It's a reminder that everything happens for a reason. For His reason. There's gonna be more to come in the future, but what can we not go through? 'Cos at the end of the day, there is Hope.

Walk and Not Faint

Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall, but those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40:30-31 

There are times in our spiritual lives when we soar. Every prayer of ours is answered, God is using us mightily, we're doing things we've never done before, we're flooded with strength and wisdom beyond our abilities.

There are times we're not soaring, but are still able to run and not be weary. Life doesn't seem so effortless, there aren't many miracles, there's frustration, but there's still an inner joy as we continue running the race for Him.

And there are times when we're neither soaring nor running, but simply walking. Walking and trying not to faint. Life's burdens seem to have gotten the better of us. We don't seem to be very fruitful, don't seem to have a breakthrough. But we're hanging on.

These are condensed, paraphrased thoughts from John Ortberg's If You Want to Walk on Water, You've Got to Get Out of the Boat. I've never interpreted these verses this way. I certainly draw loads of insight from these thoughts.

And I think I belong to the last category of people right now. Maybe I'd paint a different picture of someone struggling out at sea, desperately holding onto a lifebuoy and trying not to be defeated by the waters. I'm kicking but going nowhere. And I'm fearful of what's to come. The thought of it overwhelms me. But you know what? I'll hang on. 'Cos the Lifebuoy is all I have. And the Lifebuoy will bring me to shore.

Thank You For the 21st

My 21st came and went.

But I couldn't have been more thankful for any other birthday.

I didn't intend to throw a party - neither was I expecting much.

The first surprise came on Friday morning, from Sarah, Charlotte, Amantha, Calvin, Joanne and Silk. Half of them weren't even supposed to be in school. So thank you, especially to Amantha, who travelled all the way down from Tampines.

The second was from the Easter musical drama team. All of them pretended not to know about my birthday. But when I entered the basement office, I was greeted with a birthday song and 21 cupcakes arranged in the shape of a key, courtesy of Alanie. Thank you for the key to freedom, haha. And it's evident why the drama team is called the drama team. ;)

The third was from the Youth leaders after our meeting. Some of them called it pathetic, but I thought it was incredibly funny. As I said, I wasn't expecting anything, so any inkling of a surprise is still a surprise. Thank you for the ice cream!

So, that was it, I thought. But the real surprise came the day after, whereby all of my family members came down to celebrate with me, together with my friends. I never saw that coming, well, maybe until I was blindfolded. Thank you to those who put in so much effort planning, coordinating, settling the logistics, and designing. Thank you, everyone, who was a part of this unforgettable surprise. Most importantly, thank God how everything worked out so beautifully.

Of course, thank you all for the wishes as well.

My heart truly overflows with thanksgiving. Words can't describe exactly how I feel, so with every ounce of sincerity in me... Thank you, all.

Thank You, God. :)

Stepping In

I've been dreading it for a while, but the day has come. "Happy birthday..." So I should be happy, right? I'll embrace the day. :)

Thank God for the past 20 years of my life. For the entire journey, for the experiences, for the people that have been a part of it, all of which helped shape who I am today. It's unbelievable how I've lived two decades on this earth.

As I step into the third, I thank God for His goodness that has been and is to come. I never made any sense of birthday wishes. But if there were one wish I could make this day (and all my life), it'd be to live for Him and walk so closely with Him every moment.

It's all Yours. :)

The Little Things

I remember how I was praying before drawing my oral topic. I prayed that He'd let me draw whichever topic that He wanted me to. I reached my hand into the envelope, rustled the pieces of paper, and pulled a slip out. I glanced at the question, and I felt helpless. My topic required me to convince an audience of Sec 4 NT students on the benefits of the "Use Your Hands" campaign. Several friends around me had audiences of parents, teachers and board of directors, and at that time, I really wished that either one could have been my audience instead. Cos I knew that it would be so much easier for me to deliver a serious speech to adults, than an engaging speech to students. (I'm no engaging speaker!) But since I'd already prayed, I felt that I probably drew that topic for a reason...

That did not stop me from feeling traumatised though. I immediately shoved it to the back of my mind, thinking that I'd prepare it when it was way closer to the presentation day, which was this Wednesday. Over the weekend, I asked around for suggestions on how to deliver my speech, to no avail. When it drew nearer to Wednesday, I was extremely worried. That was probably the first time since my PW OP days that I felt so afraid of a presentation. Cos I just couldn't think of an engaging way to deliver my speech, yet at the same time, this presentation is a huge component of my course grade.

I finally wrote my script on Tuesday, one day before the presentation. I wrote it the best I could, ran through it a few times, and decided not to practise anymore, as I'd already felt defeated by the topic. It wasn't till 20 minutes before ALK that I attempted to run through my speech once. And it was a disaster. I skipped an entire paragraph, blanked out and couldn't remember my first point, and then blanked out again and couldn't remember my second point. I began to panic big time. But it was time for class and I had no chance to practise it anymore.

The presentations kicked off with the first person. (I was the ninth.) I started to feel nervous. By the time it got to the fourth/fifth person, my heart was thumping so hard I thought it could just jump out of my mouth. And then, I prayed. I told Him how scared I was, told Him that I couldn't do it, told Him that I really needed Him. Almost immediately, my heart stopped thumping so quickly. His peace just came over me that instant, and I was amazed. I sat through the rest of the presentations before mine, calmer than before, but all the time still praying.

My turn came. I went up and when I faced the class, I felt a sudden motivation to give it my all. The timer clicked, the cameras rolled (yes, we were all videoed by two cameras), and I began my speech. I couldn't have asked for a better audience. They were all so supportive, so responsive, it spurred me on, giving me more and more energy to speak. I thank God for His enabling, that I could remember everything that I wanted to say! Well, I did blank out for an instant at my third point. But somehow, the class was still amused by what I said before that, so on the pretext of "giving them time to react", I recalled the point just in time. Wow, thank God indeed. I find it almost shocking that I managed to engage the class somewhat. But I knew that it really was His strength in my weakness. Thank God for the class. And thank God for the Q&A session as well, for Yasmin giving me a question that I could answer. (Of course, I threw her a question that was simple yet allowed elaboration as well! And BTW, I love her confidence in presentations lol.) You have no idea how liberated I felt when the whole thing was over!

On hindsight, I couldn't have asked for a better topic and audience. For the amount of worry I had before the presentation, I actually had fun while I was doing it! Thank God for that, really. Thank God for His strength and most importantly His presence throughout. Thank God for having seen me through! And it amazes me that even in little things like this, He is still in control! :)

Not By Feelings

Because I said yes all too quickly. Because I went with obligations rather than emotions. Because I felt that changing my mind would make me seem so irresponsible. Because Matt. 5:37 says, to let our "yes" be "yes"...

That is why I'm in a state of regret and unhappiness now. How am I getting through Friday after Friday, meeting after meeting, all the way till April? But I suppose I did what's required of me... His grace is sufficient, no?

I've always been a very emotional person. I do what I want to do, I do what I feel like doing, I escape from what I do not want to do, I refuse to do anything that I do not feel like doing. But over this past week, the Lord has been teaching me so many things about this. For one, the project. For another, reaching out to people I do not feel comfortable with. Still another, going for certain activities. All these I wanted to turn down, as I did not WANT to do what I did not FEEL like doing. But somehow, a reminder kept popping up at the back of my mind. To stop depending on feelings. Step out in faith. Stop depending on feelings. Step out in faith. Stop depending on feelings. Step out in faith...

I thank God for His grace to put my feelings aside. I was deeply encouraged over the weekend. Saturday's outing was awesome. Sunday's Street-E was amazing. It was the first time I was placed in a "mentor" position. I was so worried, as I was usually paired with someone more experienced than I am who could "bail me out" when I was stuck. Not this time. This time, I was to guide. But thank God for His enabling, for just giving Daniel and me words to say. And thank God for Daniel, I'm just so blessed by his heart in wanting to reach out to the lost. Looking at him going up to strangers, asking them introductory questions... It just made me feel ashamed of myself. What was I doing at 15? Gossiping about the whole world, I'm serious. So anyway, we met with much discouragement and distractions at the start. Until we got to the last two people. One of them didn't really seem to be listening, so I just did my best to share, concentrating on the other lady. When I got to the decision part, I was nervous. (Cos I always get stuck there and have to wait for my partner to jump in.) But at that time, I knew I had to ask for her decision. I was just blown away when she made a profession! That was a first for me. Thank God for having led us to the one whose heart was ready. Thank God for working in this dear lady's heart, and for giving me wisdom in speech. Thank God for a great partner as well! I'm gonna cherish the last few weeks I have for Street E...

Thank God for Valentine's Day yesterday. It was a nice evening spent with the two singles and one couple. Thanks Charlotte for the gifts! (She drew my name for the gift exchange and I drew hers.)

And today, seems to be the day of goodbyes. Goodbye my friend, I never really thought that I'd actually miss you when you're gone but I apparently will. Goodbye to you, your departure came as a surprise to me but your contributions to the family will not be forgotten and I wish you all the best. Goodbye my favourite professor, English modules will never be the same without you but I trust that you'll continue to impact and inspire lives wherever you go. Take care, and God bless.

Teary eyed...

Sentimental Moods

Thank God for this year's Chinese New Year. I daresay it's the best I ever had. Maybe the atmosphere wasn't there. But what I love about it is its simplicity. More importantly, the time I spent with my cousins. I enjoyed myself so much, and I really thank God for this relationship we can have with one another. And you know, what tops it all is that my relatives said that I've changed. This, I know, can only have been brought about by Him.

So after the past few days, I'm officially in one of my "sentimental moods" again. Yes, I've decided to term it that way. Maybe this is the cause, maybe it's not, for my slight emo-ness today. I've been feeling this since the year started and it's only becoming more evident. For some strange reason, I feel that a certain group of people have become strangers to me once again. The relationships built last year, all of a sudden seem to have dissolved in an instant. But of course, maybe it's just me. You know how we often blame the world when something goes wrong but never ourselves? Perhaps that's just what I'm doing. Perhaps I'm the one who has yet to tear down those walls.

I was just telling someone, if I were to live by my feelings, I would've left. But I really don't think this is what the Lord would have me do. The grass always seems greener on the other side. But this is probably just a momentary, a fleeting thought that will eventually pass. Because I just want to have fun. But when we go deeper, I suppose it is best for me to stay. Well, I said that I would give myself at least a year. And I will keep to what I said. At least a year...

Thank you for the little things you did. I wish I'd spoken to you more, told you how I felt. But well, what you did, insignificant they might be to you, warmed my day a little. :)

Once Upon A Time

There once lived a little girl. This little girl was like any other. She looked forward to Chinese New Year each year, because that meant extra playtime with her cousins, loads and loads of new year goodies, and the once-a-year opportunity to collect red packets from house to house. It was an exciting occasion for her.

A few years passed, the little girl was little no more. Teenage angst set in. Bitterness crept in. She felt that she was too cool to be playing with her kid cousins. Family talk annoyed her. Reunion dinners were a hassle. House visitation became a chore. Gone was the joy of celebrating Chinese New Year. What took its place, was a dread for this time of the year. She hated reunion dinners. She hated visitations. But she had to go nonetheless. She pulled a long face each year to show that she'd rather be anywhere else but celebrating Chinese New Year. Her mum would ask her why she had to look so angry. She frowned even more. This went on for a good number of years...

2010 came. Somehow, the hatred for Chinese New Year dissolved. While she could not relive the childhood excitement of celebrating this festivity, she no longer felt so strongly against it. She began to lighten up and slowly embrace the season.

Today, 2 days before Chinese New Year, this girl is looking forward to it once again.

No prizes for guessing who the girl in question is. There're no "somehows" to this. God can change perspectives. God can change attitudes. God can change hearts. These people are no longer mere people. They're souls. Precious souls...

You know it ain't easy. The introvert remains. But start by giving a smile, I guess.

How will it go? I pray that it'll be something different.

Today, I'm looking forward to Chinese New Year. :)

Results

It's always a heart-attack moment when I check for my exam results. It was no different on Tuesday. In fact, it was a freaky instance. A few of us casually mentioned the release of results, wondering when that would be. Seconds later, an SMS came in saying that the results had been released! Talk about speaking of the "devil"...

I am simply overwhelmed with thanksgiving for my results. Words can't even express how happy and thankful I am! Granted, my GPA isn't fantastic. But don't they say, beggars can't be choosers? It makes no sense for a failure in Math to expect a First-Class Honours GPA.

Firstly, thank God that I passed both my Math modules! That was the biggest worry for me. Beginning of the semester, I never saw myself being able to pass. I struggled big time for both modules, so much that the idea of completely dropping Math came to mind. The only reason I continued on was all the hassle involved. Over the semester, I never really understood any of the lectures, never once passed any of the Math tests, never did well for the assignments. I remained clueless even up till a couple of days before the exams. It was only during the one to two days before each paper that I started cramming concepts into my head. When I look back on the meagre effort I put in and how I blanked at least 35 marks of the paper for each module, it's a miracle I passed. (And got 2 grades above a pass for one of them. Like that's super fantastic, but it's an added consolation, lol.) And it's a miracle done by Him.

The only thing I hoped for prior to the release was to pass my Math. I didn't care if I were to get a C for the rest of my modules. In fact, I was sure that I wouldn't do well for the rest of the papers as well and would see a major dip in my GPA. But by His grace, I got 2 A- grades for my English modules! That was a crazy surprise for me. I feel that I hardly put in any effort for both modules. One in which I crammed in a day, the other in 3 hours. After each paper, I felt like I was toast as I completely smoked my way through and my answers were so different from everyone else's. Also for one of the modules, I did pretty badly for my assignments. Based on calculations, I reckon that I must have gotten at least an A for the exam to get such a final grade. Which seems so impossible when I think back on the nonsense I wrote. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw the grades. I know it's just so impossible and I really do not deserve it. His grace never fails to amaze me...

For the past three semesters, I've been pleasantly surprised at my results. But I would say that this is the first time I'm truly, truly thankful. Not that I wasn't thankful in the past. But with my thanksgivings came laments on how my GPA would have soared if not for Math pulling my grades down. There was always an element of human nature - our ability to complain about anything and everything - involved. I guess the reason why I'm so thankful this time is due to how much I struggled last semester. It was a tough time throughout. Even the exam period was tougher than usual. I had to juggle other commitments, did not have much time to study, spent my entire study week doing anything but study, felt utterly depressed and discouraged. The fact that I survived all that and obtained results like this, it's just sweetly unbelievable. Yeah, there really is a reason for everything He puts us through. The past semester's struggles have really made me so much more appreciative of what I have.

I pray for humility. In times like this, my head gets big and I start thinking to myself how smart I am. But truly, that was His strength made perfect in my weakness.

Thank You, Lord!

Thanksgivings for 2010

This came a little late, but better late than never yeah.

2010 was an amazing year I'd say. I learnt so many things, did things I never imagined I'd be able to do, saw God work in marvellous ways, experienced Him so real and close, served Him and worked with people I never did before. It had its rollercoaster moments, and that was what made everything so exciting.

I started the year with school and DHSCO commitments that took my weekends away. There were weeks I couldn't attend church and somehow, I was secretly happy. That was the starting point of a cruise in the first half of the year. A cruise away from the Lord. School was fun. The company of my friends was great. It was because of them that I looked forward to going to school everyday. And that was the very reason I turned to the comforts around me instead of the Lord. I was just spiritually down.

It came to a point that I was sick of my lifestyle. I had a 4-month long holiday, and I knew I had to make it productive. Thank God for Church Camp 2010. It wasn't a camp with spiritual and emotional highs and shedding of tears during altar calls, but I daresay the Lord really worked. I was stirred to think of things I never really thought of before, one being my parents' salvation. I was blessed by the reminders from Pastor Jaspers' sermons, as well as the fellowship and prayer with the ICE girls each night.

Then came the highlight of the year - the Philippines Evangelistic Campaign. That was simply an incredible experience, one I never dreamt I'd be a part of. It was way out of my element and I knew that I wouldn't be able to do it in my own strength. I'd wanted to see God do a work in me that no one could do. And He did. He showed me so clearly that we can all walk on water, if we're only willing to step out of the boat. I'm glad I did. It's so wonderful to put our little seed of faith in a great God and have Him do the impossible in us. I'm still amazed by what He's done. But while this is something so huge to me, I have to remember not to limit God. There are no boundaries to His greatness, and I have to trust that there're huger things still to be done.

The second semester of school wasn't that great. In fact, it was a stark contrast to the first semester. I had the crappiest timetable ever, I was separated from my close friends for my classes, and my timings clashed with everyone else's so we could hardly meet. I was miserable, but I realised God was teaching me lessons. Indeed, I was so dependent on my friends in the first semester that He had to take them away and shift my focus to Him. I'm thankful for the tough time I had. There were nights I would just lie in bed crying, but I felt so comforted to have Someone above who understood all that I was going through and was always there for me. That was a lonely period, but it drew me so much closer to Him. And having seen Him do the impossible in the Philippines, I just had to trust that He could do it again.

It was then a mad rush to the end of the year. I picked up several responsibilities, served in more areas, struggled for my exams. Along the way, I was worn out and discouraged. But once again, God showed Himself strong by proving that He's always dependable, and He answers prayer. I learnt valuable lessons, such as the need to do what I do because of Him and no one else, and to focus on Him instead of my feelings, people and circumstances. That said, I'm very, very thankful for the many opportunities I had to serve Him this year. Thank God for the privilege to work with different people as well.

Of course, thank God for the people He brought alongside me. Thank God for...

Valerie. I'm still extremely amazed and thankful for this friendship. We can go months without meeting each other, yet the closeness is still there because we're always on the phone (lol). Thank God for a sister whom I can talk, cry, and laugh about everything with. Honestly, if not for this life testament of God's love and goodness, I probably wouldn't be where I am today.

Chia Wen and Jean. My beloved DG (that has disbanded LOL) mates! Thank God for the High Quest times where we'd share openly about each week we'd gone through, and the accountability as we prayed for one another over the weeks. These two have been tremendous blessings to me, and I really thank God for the privilege to be a part of this DG. I don't know if we'll still get opportunities to sit down and catch up like before, but well, friends are friends forever, if the Lord's the Lord of them. Thank God for the friendship.

Catherine and Amelia. My crazy sisters... Thank God for the opportunities to hang out more often towards the end of the year, for the sharing, worship and prayer times we could have, and for all the fun, joy, craziness and laughter. These two are just awesome company, and I'm really thankful for these dear sisters. Greater times to come. And not to mention, we have uniforms.

Janice. She's like a big sister to me, someone I can really tell my problems and struggles to and who'll give me advice and pray for me. Thank God for how she's always asking how I am, how's my walk with the Lord... These seemingly little things do show that someone actually cares, and it means a lot. Thank God for her support ministry-wise as well, otherwise I probably would have already thrown in the towel.

Ray, Jill, Hock Cai, Siqian, Rogan, Cheryl, who've taught and encouraged me so often, listened to my woes, prayed for me, hung out with me, and just been great blessings to me.

Vivian, Nicholas and Vanessa, my dear cousins. Thank God for my relationship with them, which has become a lot stronger this year. I'm deeply blessed by their relationship with one another, it's always endearing to see the love among siblings. I'm thankful for their love and support and the great times spent with them.

SCACZ (Sarah, Calvin, Amantha, Charlotte, Zenn). Thank God for school friends, who've made school life much more bearable. We hardly met up during the second semester, but I'm thankful for the times spent in the first. Not forgetting all the fun and random things we did together.

Daniel. Thank God for allowing us to first meet during practicum. It's been great getting to know him better. Thank God for the lifts to and from school, and for the long train rides back where we'd just share thoughts and stuff. Of course, he knows so much more than me and it's always nice listening to his thoughts.

Megan and Shihui. Sometimes, it's nice to have people with the same subject combination who're equally slack to (attempt to) study and moan about Math with. Hehe.

Lam Lee, Cristal, Yuqian, Joanne. I guess we've each changed over the years and we don't meet up so often now. But they always say, our secondary school friends will stick with us. I'm thankful for this group of friends who've been with me since my secondary school days. Thank God that we will still find time to meet up once in a while.

Thank God for 2010, for all the happenings, for every single person He's brought into my life. Looking back, this was the year I grew in faith and learnt to say "yes" to God more often. Thank God for what He's done in my life. Of course, thank God for who He is. Now that 2011 is here, it's time to embrace it, and expect even greater things in the year ahead. Because He is far greater than we can ever comprehend.