Stuck.

January's coming to an end in a bit. Oh yay. But then again...

So there's this tutor who's scary in a really interesting way. Such that when he banged on many a table (yes mine included) to ask what we understood by vacuously true, the weirdest answers came out cos he "scared out minds blank".

"Not true."
"True in a false sense." (That cracked me up totally.)
"True, but not true."
"EMPTY!" (See what I mean?)

The revelation. When something is initially false, whatever happens after that doesn't matter since something that is false will never come true. That equates the entire statement to being true. Take this example, "if Cinderella were to become a ghost, that tree down the road would shed all its leaves." Since Cinderella never existed in the first place, everything that is said to take place after that is taken to be true cos it has no effect whatsoever on our lives. Therefore, this statement is vacuously true. Did I mention that this is Math?

Feasting with awesome company's the deal.

After Palate-ing

This is what we do when we don't wanna go home to face the mountain of tutorials. We sit on the swing-like thing. Which can't really be seen here.

But at the end of it all, there's this voice within, it never fails to remind me. And I'm trying not to fall into the river again.

"Come to Me, all you who labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."

Matthew 11: 28-29

Guess some of us are tired. But let's find our rest and strength in Him alone. I'm trying, too. Go friends, go me.

Before I forget, photos credit to our very own Poundcake! (Okay, I never did credit, but I remembered this time, and your name's in RAD! Hahahahahaha!)

RARH.

It just shows that I'm unable to balance my life. Everything feels so lop-sided now. My heart's so far from one aspect of my life and it's really weighing me down. It's affecting my thoughts, my time, my attitude, and more importantly, my focus. Hmm, I wonder how, and when.

I'm kinda drained from the past two weeks, school, activities, in and out, non-stop. I've been wondering how I managed to survive last semester with the consecutive 8.30am days. And I realised, I was happily skipping lessons last semester so it didn't really tire me out so much. So, yeah, doing the right thing involves effort. And I guess I hardly do the right thing.

So that aside, I think I'll need to start running 5 rounds or something. My stamina's going down the drain, I don't feel that my lungs are that powerful anymore. Heh.

Now it's time for the GESL peer evaluations. Praise people to the skies!

Ah...

Thank God for the past week. It's been tiring yet fun, and all in all, it was really awesome!

Meranti Project

So I was extremely unhappy that I had to go back to school on a Saturday AND Sunday from an 8ish to 6ish timing, otherwise they'd send me a warning letter. I thought that it was gonna be a waste of my time and that it'd be the usual corny stuff like team-building activities. It was anything but. I didn't expect myself to take away so much from the two days, to really contribute to the discussions, to share so openly, to learn so much about my GESL mates. I'd really love to talk about several details but I don't wanna spoil the fun for those who haven't gone through it. All in all, it was insightful, personal, emotional, heart-warming. And I just feel that God has a reason, for our class to be allocated a slot just weeks after the Cambodia trip. He's reminding me time and time again not to take what I have for granted, not to complain my life away. Ah, the conveyor belt thingy's just so awwwww.

Zenn's Blackjack

We gave her a little surprise celebration.

Her favourite cheesecake!

The cards we wrote for her, made and drawn by Amantha. Cute huh!

Bunnehs attracting some attention, according to Sarah.

And yeah =)

Other awesome stuff...

This was the first week, other than week 1 of semester 1, that I went for ALL my lessons! Like WHOA!!!!!! I'm just so amazed at myself.

It was the first time I ever RAN for a lesson. And I made it on time. Yeah I was extrinsically motivated into not writing my name down under the "latecomers list" but still, I tried. Yay.

It was the first time I did my Math tutorials! And I paid attention in class! Megan said she could feel my pride overflowing hahahaha.

And other interesting stuff.

AAE102, with the study of advertisements after advertisements, makes me wonder if I'm doing Language or New Media.

Having learnt Phonetics makes me wonder what kinda English I've been speaking for 20 years.

The Finite Mathematics lecturer pronounces "exactly" as "izzackli" and I still can't stop laughing over it.

Amantha couldn't start her car today. After a while, someone told her that her steering wheel could have been locked, so she turned it with all her might and the car started! And off we went for bubba teh after much navigation to and through the Mathematical Science block. Whee!

And I'm super tired.

BACK TO SCHOOL BACK TO SCHOOL BACK TO SCHOOL!

God has been so good. The past 3 days have been tiring but thank God for friends who've made school life so much more bearable.

So it's a whole new semester all over again. New modules, new lecturers and tutors, new classes, new friends... It's never a nice feeling when you start getting to know a few people better, and the classes get shuffled again. To the point where it gets tiring making new friends. I get tired, and would rather just sit where I am and do nothing. But when I look around at the few people who're in the class and there's no one I know, that's when I don't have a choice. Well, thank God though. The semester has started quite well, minus the fact that the Math lecturers are as scary as the modules. Doesn't sound optimistic, there's no way I can get away with skipping lessons, being late and not doing my tutorials, but then again, maybe it's good. I mean, yes, it's good. Bleah.

And I couldn't resist taking a picture of a segment of my notes. (Hurray, I printed my notes!)

On a highly amazing note... Megan's in the same class as I am for 5 out of 6 tutorial classes! We were both really stunned when we compared timetables. It's kinda freaky, like, FIVE!!!!!! We might as well have been holding on to the same timetables, it's really unbelievable. But really, thank God!!! :)

Thank God for SCARCZ! Trust Amantha to even think of that, haha. Thank God for the great time spent over lunch at Crystal Jade today, during our common 4-hour break! It was awesome, the food, fun (all the nonsense and mad laughter) and fellowship. :)

En route to JP!

:)

Hmm, I have no idea why certain thoughts are lingering in my mind, no idea how I should approach other thoughts, no idea what to think. But right now, I need to be thankful.

Cambodia Part 7 - 'Tis The Season to Be Jolly (25/12)

Merry Christmas! It was a very different Christmas, away from Christmas carols blaring on every shop's radio, beautiful Christmas lights, partying crowds, in general, the typical "Christmas feel" we normally get back here. In fact, it was a rather bland Christmas for me. It could be due to the fact that I fell ill and practically spent the day sleeping, yeah, that was sad. But I've learnt my lesson, to not be smug about my health 'cos that's when "retribution" will strike lol. But well, thank God for a very different Christmas this year. It really doesn't matter, whether it's loud and vibrant or peaceful and quiet, it doesn't change the fact that Jesus is the reason for the season.

During the bonfire which I only joined for a short while

We Are the Reason - Avalon

As little children we would dream of Christmas morn

Of all the gifts and toys we knew we’d find

But we never realized a baby born one blessed night

Gave us the greatest gift of our lives

We were the reason that He gave His life

We were the reason that He suffered and died

To a world that was lost He gave all He could give

To show us the reason to live

As the years went by we learned more about gifts

The giving of ourselves and what that means

On a dark and cloudy day a man hung crying in the rain

All because of love, all because of love

We were the reason that He gave His life
We were the reason that He suffered and died
To a world that was lost He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live

I finally found the reason for living

It’s in giving every part of my heart to Him

And all that I do every word that I say

I’ll be giving my all just for Him, for Him

We are the reason that He gave His life

We are the reason that He suffered and died

To a world that was lost He gave all He could give

To show us the reason to live

Cambodia Part 6 - Made to Worship (24/12)

I was really blessed by both sermons that day. But at the same time, they were like an open rebuke to how I've been living my life. God reveals things to us not without a reason, He wants us to be involved. But I often find myself struggling with what I know I should do, and not doing it in the end. God can reach us wherever we are, provided our hearts are in tune with Him to hear Him. But I'm often unwilling to move out of my comfort zone to the place where I'll be able to hear Him. God doesn't need a talent, He just wants someone with a willing heart. But I'm so full of excuses. Sometimes, we need to be brave to listen to God's Word. But I'm often afraid of the slightest thing, afraid to step out, afraid to simply trust Him. God wants us to be set apart, only then can we truly worship Him. But I'm often doing things for my own comfort and convenience, intentionally avoiding the little voice, finding excuses not to do what I'm supposed to. Oh, but there're so many buts.

I give up all the pleasures

From this world of sin

You in my life, that is what I long for

Jesus, You have my heart

Take my heart, revive me

Use me I pray

So that I can shine once again

In this world of sin

Set apart, I want to be
Living for You, my Lord, my Saviour
Teach me to live Your life, Your glory
That others may see Your glory in me
That Your Name be magnified today

Really...

On another note, I enjoyed performance time. It was fun watching creativity come into play, coupled with actions and all. I've never liked doing skits, but I liked the moment when we sang Heart of Worship.

When the music fades

All is stripped away

And I simply come

Longing just to bring

Something that's of worth

That will bless Your heart

I'll bring You more than a song

For a song in itself

Is not what you have required

You search much deeper within

Through the way things appear

You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship

And it's all about You

It's all about you, Jesus

I'm sorry Lord for the things I've made it

When it's all about You

It's all about You, Jesus

Doing an action song

One thing.

Cambodia Part 5 - Let's Plant! (23/12)

So it was time to get down to work after the previous day's relaxation at the beach. Let's plant some corn! It was fun, something new that I'd never done before and would hardly get a chance to do. The weather was scorching hot but I wouldn't say that we had a hard time 'cos we planted for an hour plus in the morning and half an hour in the afternoon before they called us to stop. Which I personally felt was a wise decision as upon leaving the fields, we saw many zig-zagged lines of planted corn when they were supposed to be straight lines. So that was a good move before we ruined their fields any further hahaha. But of course, let's hope that the corn does grow! :D

Hard at work!

"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and a contrite heart - these, O God, You will not despise."

Psalm 51: 17

A verse that came up during the evening sermon, on the Heart of Worship.

-

Yasmin and I were just talking about our PBL days, all the sleepless nights, then meeting up early in the morning at the SSC looking and feeling cranky, our nonsense put together, how we suffered together. It all seems so easy now, when back then PBL was sheer murder. And how fast, that the new semester is commencing in three days. The timetable's out and I'd wanted to complain but I came to realise, that as long as you're in the secondary track, your timetable's probably sad. So let's be happy sad people hahaha. I'm in the same class as Sarah for AED107 and AAE103 (Charlotte too!), and Calvin for both Math tutorials. It's not too bad I guess. I have to depend on God's strength, to step out of my comfort zone, once again.

Cambodia Part 4 - Arrival at the Goducate Home (Prey Nob, 22/12)

It was yet another 4-5 hours of travelling into Prey Nob, where the Goducate home is, our "home sweet home" for the next 5 days of camp. We didn't do much, split ourselves into our camp groups, talked to the children, rested, and off we went to the beach at Sihanoukville. It was beautiful! And once again, the splendour of the sunset just took my breath away. We'll never see such a ball of brilliance here, sadly.

That night was the worst I had in Cambodia. For some reason, I felt extremely homesick, I missed the people back here so much, I felt really lonely deep down, and I just yearned so much to fly back to Singapore and bathe in toilets with doors (lol). Thank God for the sharings during the de-brief, that really rebuked my heart. I'd unknowingly allowed high-and-mighty thoughts to cloud my mind. Thank God for the reminder that I'm in no way superior to anyone anywhere, even if I'm richer in possessions or just happen to live in a country with better living conditions. God made us all the same, He loves us all the same, and He wants us to love as He did. Whatever happened to what my focus should be? Of course, not forgetting what Lilis said, which probably impacted most of us, me included, the most. We can be swept off our feet by the magnificence of the sunset, by the vast amounts of stars in the sky, we can be so awed by them. But what about people, whom God has made even more beautiful than the sun and the stars. Do we even take a moment to think of the unsaved souls out there that God so dearly loves, or are our minds just occupied with images of nature... Which made me think, perhaps, it was more sympathy than grief, more indifference than care, more emotion than love...

God will make a way,

Where there seems to be no way

He works in ways we cannot see

He will make a way for me

He will be my guide

Hold me closely to His side

With love and strength for each new day

He will make a way, He will make a way

By a roadway in the wilderness, He'll lead me

And rivers in the desert will I see

Heaven and earth will fade

But His Word will still remain

He will do something new today

I lay awake for the longest time. There were so many people who'd be content with just a slice of bread, yet there I was complaining that the toilets had no doors, there was no hot water, the rice was too hard, the room was so hot, the place was so dirty... And a million more things. I was tempted to do something, but thank God for the voice within that told me not to. Because God always wants us to go to Him. First. I lay there, tears flowing, and I really talked to Him.

Cambodia Part 3 - Visit to the HIV Hospital (Koh Kong, 21/12)

There was medical work in the morning at Bakachang, which made me wish that I knew Khmer. It was a challenge understanding the villagers and getting them to understand me. But it was still a great morning, thank God for the work done there and for the response.

Boat to Bakachang!

The visit to the HIV hospital that afternoon was a bittersweet experience, I would say. It definitely wasn't a pleasant feeling walking around, looking at all the patients there and thinking of how much they have to suffer. But I was really moved by a couple of the youths who just stepped forth with love. I was so blessed by how Xiuying, Teresa and Melody shared the Gospel with one of the patients, and she accepted. It's just so amazing, how God's love knows no boundaries. What's even more amazing was the fact that God used an unbeliever to translate the Gospel for her. That was one of the most memorable moments of the trip for me. The love that was shown, the smile on her face. Thank God for the greatest Love.

That visit made me think about how there are people longing to catch a glimpse of the sunrise one more time, but here I am taking my health and everything else for granted, not realising how fortunate I am, not making full use of what I have.

And I wish, that it had been more than a spark.

Dinner at the casino was good. Even though we weren't dining in the midst of card dealers and Poker players, the place and food were awesome. Not to mention, the ultra clean and posh toilets. Ha.

The awesome view at the casino

At the dinner table

-

Sarah and I are in the same class for AED107! It's too bad that the rest are in different classes and I really miss the Titans and the rest but it's already a big miracle, so thank God! :)

It's the start of a new year all over again. Year after year at this time, I just look back in amazement at each year that has gone by. How time flies. It won't be long before this year passes and I start saying the same thing again. But before we dash into the future, just some reflections on 2009. 3 main things that I've learnt over the past year.

1. Change
There were way too many times at the beginning of the year when I wished that I could be what I was like a couple of years back. I didn't like the change in me. But I came to realise, the person I was had probably been created by the circumstances around me. I hadn't changed. I learnt to accept who I really am instead of trying to be someone I'm not. People changed. My relationships were affected. It was painful at times and I would wish fervently that everything could go back to what it was like in the past. But God taught me to slowly let go, He taught me what it meant to not be crippled by the past. More importantly, He taught me that change is inevitable and through this, taught me that everything will change but He remains the same God yesterday, today and forever. I know that things will never go back to what they were before. But thank God, for He definitely has a reason for everything that happens. I just have to trust Him. Thank God for all that has changed, thank God for having taught me all this. And thank God that He never ever changes.

2. Love
Definitely something I've been struggling with. It's one thing to love a close friend and another to love someone who annoys you. But God wants us to love both. God has been showing me a lot, the different sides of people, so that I can learn to love and accept them as they are. He's reminded me time and time again, I might feel that certain people aren't deserving of my love, but I never was deserving of God's love in the first place but He loves me the same and He sent His Son to die for me. I guess there've been improvements here and there (I hope I'm not being delusional, and of course, I don't claim credit for any), but I don't deny that I still get irritated fairly easily. I really thank God for each and every single person He's placed in my life, and I pray that He'll continue teaching me to love everyone around me, as I can only do so in His strength.

3. Dependence
I would say, the greatest lesson of the year. I tend to depend a lot on friends and so often I found myself at emotional lows because of friends. There had been many moments where I felt extremely lonely, where I felt that no one cared. And I thank God for these moments, as it was only during times like these that I really came before God to pray and talk to Him. "You don't know that Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you have." We have so many distractions that they become our source of strength and happiness unknowingly. God takes them away so that we can find our sole source once again - Him and Him alone. It took me so many breakdowns to learn this. But God has been so gracious, teaching me so patiently, never ever forsaking me. Thank God that He's always there when I call out to Him, thank God that when everything fails, He'll be here to hold me.

There are just so many things to thank God for. Thank God for my family, a good break before school started this year, a place in NIE, seeing me through school, my results, the Cambodia trip, opportunities to serve in ministries. And of course, thank God for all the friends He's placed in my life. Church friends, close friends, NIE friends (lovelies and more!)... I might not have thanked you individually like what I'd been doing, but from the bottom-est of my heart, I thank God for each and every one of you. Yes, I thank God for you, reading this. :)

It doesn't seem that short, but this is probably the shortest reflection post I've done in 7 years or something. Honestly. Lol.

"As the deer pants for the water brooks, so pants my soul for You, O God."

Psalm 42: 1

Lord, help me to worship You alone.