The past few days have been tormenting, depressing, agonising, anything but enjoyable. It's not simply the bombardment of endless facts on Chemistry, Math and whatnots, it just feels like everything's gonna snap. My dad's been scolding me everyday cos he thinks that going out to study means going to talk, anything but study, and my mum's been telling me every single day that I'd better retake my A levels next year. Two days ago, I was at my cousin's place celebrating her birthday. That was one of the few times I felt like utter crap. My mum was going on and on non-stop about my results, telling all my relatives, "She failed every single subject for her prelims, I told her to beg her principal for another chance to repeat her A levels next year, either that or she has to go to Macdonalds' to work." She just insulted me during the whole time and I was like FUMING inside. And it's not that my relatives are a wonderful bunch of people to share all this with you know? Anyway, I was really angry for that whole night, till my dad had to come and talk to me. Not that it helped, cos my dad has been making me very angry the past few days also, scolding me time and time again. He asked me if I wanna give up, to which I replied, "I don't know, you and mummy have been making me very annoyed for many days, right now I'm just gonna do what I feel like." If it were any other day he'd have scolded me or something, but that day I was really angry and I was crying, and the A levels are in a mere few days, so he didn't dare say anything also, even when I was almost yelling at him, "I DON'T GO OUT TO TALK ALRIGHT!" Yeah.


My mum apologised to me that night. One thing about my mum, she has this tendency to insult me in front of my relatives and all, but she's reasonable. She will apologise if she's in the wrong, and that's what made me rather touched. Whereas for my dad, he's always in the right, which is why I haven't really been listening to him and I've actually been speaking very little to him these days. What's there to talk to him about, when he's dead convinced that I go out to talk and not study. Yeah that night was really bad, I couldn't concentrate on my work and I cried the whole night, so when I woke up yesterday morning I could barely open my eyes. Which made me decide to go back to sleep, all the way till 2pm. Yeah, scold me.


I don't know why, but I'm still feeling rather hurt after that day. And I keep thinking, to me it actually doesn't really matter whether I do well for A's. I guess what I'm concerned with is not my results, but how my family looks at me. I might not have mentioned this before, but my family's really snobbish, I don't feel one bit comfortable hanging around my uncles, and if I really do not do well, it's gonna be hard to put up with all the condescending tones, even when they're trying to sound concerned (I can see through that). As well as my mum, I seriously can't take anymore insults. That's where I must learn, I guess. Valerie was saying that God puts unpleasant people and situations in our lives to train us to be more flexible. It's like, when someone strikes you on the cheek, let him strike the other as well. That's flexibility, something I currently do not possess, something that God is training me to have.


I've been having thoughts of giving up now and then, but I know I can't, cos God doesn't want me to. With that, just wanna thank everyone who has encouraged me one way or another these few days, it really helped. :) Valerie read this verse to me that night, 2 Corinthians 4: 1 "Since through God's mercy we have this ministry, we never give up." Yes, I'm gonna perservere on! And so will all of you out there yeah! :)


With man, all this may seem impossible but with God, all things are possible. Lord, help me to commit all to you, for I can't do this alone.