The past few days have been tormenting, depressing, agonising, anything but enjoyable. It's not simply the bombardment of endless facts on Chemistry, Math and whatnots, it just feels like everything's gonna snap. My dad's been scolding me everyday cos he thinks that going out to study means going to talk, anything but study, and my mum's been telling me every single day that I'd better retake my A levels next year. Two days ago, I was at my cousin's place celebrating her birthday. That was one of the few times I felt like utter crap. My mum was going on and on non-stop about my results, telling all my relatives, "She failed every single subject for her prelims, I told her to beg her principal for another chance to repeat her A levels next year, either that or she has to go to Macdonalds' to work." She just insulted me during the whole time and I was like FUMING inside. And it's not that my relatives are a wonderful bunch of people to share all this with you know? Anyway, I was really angry for that whole night, till my dad had to come and talk to me. Not that it helped, cos my dad has been making me very angry the past few days also, scolding me time and time again. He asked me if I wanna give up, to which I replied, "I don't know, you and mummy have been making me very annoyed for many days, right now I'm just gonna do what I feel like." If it were any other day he'd have scolded me or something, but that day I was really angry and I was crying, and the A levels are in a mere few days, so he didn't dare say anything also, even when I was almost yelling at him, "I DON'T GO OUT TO TALK ALRIGHT!" Yeah.


My mum apologised to me that night. One thing about my mum, she has this tendency to insult me in front of my relatives and all, but she's reasonable. She will apologise if she's in the wrong, and that's what made me rather touched. Whereas for my dad, he's always in the right, which is why I haven't really been listening to him and I've actually been speaking very little to him these days. What's there to talk to him about, when he's dead convinced that I go out to talk and not study. Yeah that night was really bad, I couldn't concentrate on my work and I cried the whole night, so when I woke up yesterday morning I could barely open my eyes. Which made me decide to go back to sleep, all the way till 2pm. Yeah, scold me.


I don't know why, but I'm still feeling rather hurt after that day. And I keep thinking, to me it actually doesn't really matter whether I do well for A's. I guess what I'm concerned with is not my results, but how my family looks at me. I might not have mentioned this before, but my family's really snobbish, I don't feel one bit comfortable hanging around my uncles, and if I really do not do well, it's gonna be hard to put up with all the condescending tones, even when they're trying to sound concerned (I can see through that). As well as my mum, I seriously can't take anymore insults. That's where I must learn, I guess. Valerie was saying that God puts unpleasant people and situations in our lives to train us to be more flexible. It's like, when someone strikes you on the cheek, let him strike the other as well. That's flexibility, something I currently do not possess, something that God is training me to have.


I've been having thoughts of giving up now and then, but I know I can't, cos God doesn't want me to. With that, just wanna thank everyone who has encouraged me one way or another these few days, it really helped. :) Valerie read this verse to me that night, 2 Corinthians 4: 1 "Since through God's mercy we have this ministry, we never give up." Yes, I'm gonna perservere on! And so will all of you out there yeah! :)


With man, all this may seem impossible but with God, all things are possible. Lord, help me to commit all to you, for I can't do this alone.

For an A level student, I'm updating rather frequently eh? Lol. Past 2 days were spent studying with Chia Wen and Mingyao at the national library, Mingyao didn't go yesterday. I must say, it's been a rather fun and amusing experience. Not the studying, of course, but the queuing outside the study lounge way before it opens officially. The security guard must be the most awaited for person at that time, the moment he appears, the entire crowd's like squashed centimetres within the door, waiting for it to open. It totally makes the queue at donut factory look dismal. But there isn't really any queue at donut factory these days. HAHA anyway, yeah, the mad dash into the study lounge when the doors are opened is hilarious too. And it's difficult, almost impossible to reserve even a seat for a friend. Look what the Singapore education system's doing to students man, it's totally exemplifying our trademark kiasu-ism lol.


Went to school for a a bio mock exam today (so shouldn't have gone), after which was chem consultation. Haha I took 13 home after that and guess what, I met Jieren on the bus! I was surprised to see him, thought he'd be still stuck at camp. I proceeded to ask him the redundant question of how's NS HAHA. Yeah he was telling me interesting stuff about a few VJ teachers, of which includes dear Mr Ueng, who apparently holds a Masters (unbelievable isn't it) LOL. And during his tutorials last time, all he did was enter the classroom and ask, "Do you have any questions for me? If not, I'll go back to the staff room." LOL!! Thank God for Ms Lee. :) Oh, and he said that there was once Mr Ho was so angry with the whole class for not doing their tutorials that he refused to teach them and the whole class had to go to the staff room to beg him to go out. That really reminded me of Sec 4! Haha...


I had this song on repeat mode yesterday while studying. I think it's a really beautiful, touching song!


Completely - Ana Laura

The secret of life is letting go
The secret of love is letting it show
In all that I do, in all that I say
Right here in this moment


The power of prayer
Is in the humble cry
The power of change
Is in giving my life
And laying down
Down at Your feet
Right here in this moment


Take my heart, take my soul
I surrender everything to Your control
And let all that is within lift up to You and say
I am Yours and Yours alone, completely


This journey of life, is a search for truth
This journey of faith, is following You
Every step of the way, through the joy and the pain
Right here in this moment


Take my heart, take my soul
I surrender everything to Your control
And let all that is within lift up to You and say
I am Yours and Yours alone, completely


Right Here, Right Now
And for the rest of my life
Hear me say. . .


Take my heart, take my soul
I surrender everything to Your control
And let all that is within lift up to You and say
I am Yours and Yours alone, completely
I am Yours and Yours alone, completely


As day after day passes, the ticking of time signalling the start of the A's gets more deafening, my hopes are simply getting lower and lower. Right to the point where I wanna give up, but I know I can't.


It doesn't take any special talent to give up, lie down on the side of the road and say, "I quit." Any unbeliever can do that. But once you get hold of Jesus, or more accurately, He gets hold of you, He begins to pump strength, energy and courage into you and something strange and wonderful begins to happen. He won't let you quit. You may say, "Oh Lord, I don't want to go on anymore." but He won't let you give up, even if you want to. So keep looking to Jesus and follow His example. When you do, you'll keep pressing on no matter what comes your way.


"Take my heart, take my soul, I surrender everything to Your control"... That's what I've got to do now, have faith, that God will provide.


Congrats to Valerie and Audrey who got their 6-month medical attachment! Thank God! :) :)


Press on.

After my "emo-session" on friday, I had this sudden prompt (God's prompting :)) to msg Desiree and inquire about KPC's Youth programme. She was pleasantly surprised and I must say, it's really amazing. She said that she actually happened to think about me the day I msg-ed her, wondering how I am now. God works in mysterious ways, yeah. Anyway, I went to sit with the young adults during service on sunday, and it was an all-new experience. They were all really friendly, and it was just a very awesome, very warm feeling. :) Oh, Huiqi came to talk to me, announcing to everyone that we're related in some way but not sure what. Of course, no one believed that we're cousins or something HAHA. The cons of having such a big family, I don't even know I have distant cousins roaming around the world lol! And the proudest accomplishment of the week, I walked to church on my own! It took only 10 minutes, I was surprised. Yeah, thank God, for the wonderful service on sunday!


Went to school for chem consultation yesterday, and it was, well, short. After which Chia Wen and I went to study at the national library. We studied for 6 hours straight, and that's a big achievement for me okay! All the time that I'm home, I'm wasting my hours away. Sigh, there goes my A levels.


Once again on the issue of faith...

I don't know what came over me today, but I got into one of my random, emo moods again. Like, our JC life's really coming to an end, the A levels are in TWO weeks (faint) and after that we're all going our separate ways, I don't know if we're ever gonna meet again or have any class outings after that. Don't ask me why I'm thinking of such stuff when I'm supposed to be studying like never before, but... As I said, it's random haha. But really, as Valerie said... "Can you please mug now and emo after the A levels!" Totally true.


We got back our math mock papers today. I kinda just passed my paper 1 and I think I failed paper 2, not sure as I didn't convert it to percentage. I'm not too bothered by the score, more by my attitude. I've been having this delusion about my "natural proficiency" in math, that I can pass without studying for it. So not. And seems like I haven't woken up despite the numerous times I've been failing in the subject. I'm sorry, Mr Teo. He sounded rather disappointed just now, sigh. This brings me back to a post sometime last year. "Humility is estimating your worth under the might of God, being aware of your weaknesses, being conscious of others' strengths in comparison to yours." I'm sorry, Lord, for thinking too highly of myself at times. That said, I'm really happy for Chia Wen, doing so well! (Now you have no reason saying that you can't teach me LOL!) See, you can do it! :)


Haha, was talking to Vivian just now about some interesting and really hilarious stuff. "Why do you let those stupid kids play here and damage my stuff!" LOL!!!!! She told me about a badminton net in my grandfather's house and I was like, "What????" Anyway, please do not demolish the net, save it for me, after my A's! Hahaha.


I can't believe it's a mere 2 weeks to the big exam. And here I am, mulling over silly stuff, wasting my time online................ The worst thing is, I'm feeling so detached from God. Which makes me think back 2 years ago, when I was approached to join the youth group in my church, and I turned them down flatly. Yeah, back then I was still going to church to warm the seats, that's all. It's only after having met several wonderful friends that really changed my perspective. I can't say I'm a better person... I can only pray.


In times like this, times of darkness, times of weakness, all the more I have to place my trust in Him, that He will carry me on the tight rope.


I just want to glorify you, in all that I do.


With that, it's time to face up to reality. The beautiful thing is, I'm not fighting this battle alone. :)

One whole week of remedials, one word - draining. But I've got no complains, cos the mountains of work (mainly Chem and Math) forced me to complete my work every day. And I'm rather proud of myself, cos I made myself stay up every night to finish up all my work! Other than the chem practice paper 3 which I didn't hand in... But I still did it! Hahaha. Thank God. :)


Haha, Chia Wen came over to my place yesterday to stay over. But of course we were studying haha! We spent like 3 hours struggling with our stats remedial worksheet, a while studying some other stuff, and the most torturous 3 and a half hours doing SRJC's chem paper 3. We did the paper till 1 plus, close to 2. It's difficult, you know! I almost died in the middle of the paper cos I was soooooo sleepy and the first few questions were really tough. Not to mention that Chia Wen didn't allow me to skip an ionic equilibria question HAHA. But yeah, yesterday was really productive for me, cos I usually slack my afternoons away and only start rushing at night lol, hopefully it was for her too. And... I need to learn how to use the GC LOL!


We went to school for barely an hour today! Such a waste of time. Ha no, I'm gonna make the most of the remedials and do well for the mock papers! At least for math, haha.


Lord, please let me give all that I have, more importantly, please let me have faith. (:

Feel so sad now... Last day of school today sigh. Yeah there'll be like 2 weeks of remedials but today's like the last official day of proper school hee. I cried during the assembly but thankfully no one noticed. Cos the movie clip, Facing the Giants, that Ms Wong showed us was simply so inspiring and touching! And the song she sang is one of my favourites, which made it even more touching ha.


After farewell assembly and the special CT session, we went to finish watching Gattaca. The movie's nice, and Ethan Hawke's rather good-looking haha. I think the movie's really ironic, in the sense that someone who was born perfect ended his life in an incinerator, while another who was born with so many defects actually achieved his dreams. The endless strive for perfection. Haha.


Went to cut my hair today, after a class lunch with S34 at this place in parkway near the food court area. And we saw Edmund Chen! Gosh, it's hard to believe he's 46 haha! Back to my haircut. The hairdressers were really funny. They just can't stop commenting on my different-coloured shoelaces, from the last time till now HAHA. And the guy actually said, "Sit down, girl and wait for us to be done. Meanwhile, you can reflect on why you didn't tie your shoelaces properly." LOL! I couldn't stop laughing when he said that. And he kept insisting that I didn't tie my shoelaces properly cos I overslept! LOL!


Voice of Truth - Casting Crowns

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves


To step out of my comfort zone
To the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out his hand


But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again
Boy, you'll never win
You'll never win


But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says do not be afraid
And the voice of truth says this is for My glory
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth


Oh what i would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a Sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand


But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again
Boy, you'll never win
You'll never win


But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says do not be afraid
And the voice of truth says this is for My glory
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth


But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
From on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me


But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says do not be afraid
And the voice of truth says this is for My glory
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth


I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth


I will listen and believe to the voice of truth


And I will listen to You...You are....

Ha, hopefully this will be my last post before I start mugging for the upcoming A's. (I'd better mug). Yeah, we got back our prelim results and all that, not surprisingly, my grades are nowhere near decent. I actually had loads to say about the entire prelim journey but well, after having dragged this for so long I'm a little lazy to update about it. Anyway, I'm just really thankful for this rather traumatising experience, and thank you everyone for all your encouragement! :)


Bummer of the week. A few of the school's dizis went missing, and I've been commanded to replace them with my own. Yeah I guess it's my responsibility and all that but... Am I honestly expected to churn out so many dizis to be mishandled and pasted with funny labels... Er, I guess yes, I don't have a choice. I was initially hopping mad and decided to complain to Killer about it lol. And I just had to complain to my classmates during the break too. Mingyao's totally hilarious, he was like going on and on about what I should do LOL!! I'm sorry, I really shouldn't be complaining about this but yeah. Alright, I'm sorry!


Sigh, farewell assembly tomorrow. It's amazing how we were carefree J1s last year, occupied with PW nonsense but still having loads of time to hang around and do what we wanted, and one year later, we're all going crazy thanks to the A levels. It's sad, whenever I think about it. I'll definitely miss S34. And of course, the 2 years I spent in VJ! Oh well, everything must come to an end right? Ha.


Mug, mug, mug... The only thing that's not so boring now is my post-A-level-to-do list! Valerie and mine, rather. And it's really retarded.


1. Go on a taxi ride around Singapore (Val's, she's so gonna pay for me HAHA)
2. Go on a duck tour (Val's)
3. Extract my wisdom tooth (Killer, you're NOT coming along lol)
4. Buy the new Ipod Nano!!!!!!!
5. Replace my dying phone
6. NEW SONGS
7. Sleep 20 hours a day
And more!


For now, I should stop dreaming.