Here I am, just like any other normal day, seated in my swivel chair, comfortably. Way too comfortably. I move over to the window, take a glance outside, sneak a peer at the few people walking by occasionally. I take a longer look. Still a longer look. Eventually, I find my gaze trailing after their footsteps. Where are these people headed? Surely, they have in mind a destination for the day. What about the next day? And the next?

The mind drifts further, the heart draws closer. The conflict begins.

Let's go. It's a golden opportunity. Perhaps not now, later. Come on... It's been given to you on a platter! No, it's not clear-cut enough, I've got to delve into things, I'm not sure how to do it, it's too out of the way for me, I'm afraid. I'm not ready...

The conflict continues. One by one, unassumingly, the people pass...

I clear my thoughts, move away from the window, back to the same, comfortable place.

At the end of it all, I'm still seated on my swivel chair.

-

Met up with Janice for lunch this afternoon. Thank God for the time spent, for the little sharing on some thoughts. :) Headed down to NLB after that to borrow some books for the Critical Pespectives essay, thanks to Mavis' bombardment of questions last night, which made me realise how much I don't know, and how much there is to do! The trip made me recall the insane mugging for A's, and I can only say, I'm so glad it's a thing of the past. Press on, juniors! :D

Anyway, I conducted an Operation Find-the-Missing-Passport Part One, and... Failed. Anyone who wants to join in the second part of my treasure hunt, do let me know. The rewards are really attractive. Hahaha.

Help me to keep praying, to keep trusting. I need Your guidance, one step at a time. I have to trust that You are able in ways I'm unable, that You will catch me if I fall.

God works in remarkable ways, even in the most unexpected conversation with the most unexpected person. I was amazed for much of last night. Well, God will definitely open the doors if it's His will.

Haven't been getting much sleep the entire week. But I thank God that I wasn't asleep when I had lessons to learn. He's been showing me the importance of being patient, loving and humble, to depend on Him and not on myself. So many times, I'd been on the verge of shoving a whole cabbage down someone's throat (not in the literal aspect of course) but that was definitely not the way to do it, as I'd been reminded over and over again. (Come on, people need a little tenderness to digest the big thing.) It's also made me realise, how I'm constantly allowing my thoughts and feelings to hinder His greater plans. It's always about how I feel, how people think about me, how convenient it is for me. Me, me, me.

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Isaiah 55: 9

Indeed, I've got to stop searching for my reflection in the mirror, and be willing to let His strength be manifested in my weakness. I've got to let go of my emotions and hold on to His promises.

-

A meet-up to celebrate Lam Lee's nineteenth! I've realised, we don't meet up as often now, we've each got our own commitments and to a greater extent, we've changed individually. But one thing remains the same. We still say and do the darndest things. *Insert the Pokemon theme song*

-

School can be fun, non-mathematically. Laughing at interesting lecturers, amusing tutors, hilarious stories of NS, little spastic moments at the Engineering Block food court and classrooms, MSN-ing during talks when we're two seats apart, intensive correction of grammar and pronunciation... Hahaha.

I was 35 minutes late for my first lesson today. To top that, my GC died on me during my Math quiz and I didn't even know beforehand. So I had to resort to the better alternative to plot my graphs - my imagination. And I fell while running up my staircase just now, so my toe hurts now. Yeah, retarded.

We really ought to treasure all that we have now.

What are we doing about this?

What am I doing about this...

“Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the Lord. He will be like a bush in the wastelands; he will not see prosperity when it comes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives. But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”

Jeremiah 17: 5 - 8

I'm a person who resists changes. Given a choice, I would want things to remain the same, I would want to stay in the same environment, I would want to remain in the same social circle. Forever. But it's a fact, the word "forever" may exist, but nothing is forever. Nothing in this world is forever. Good health can fail, stable jobs can be lost, excellent results will be forgotten, greatest friends may no longer talk to one another.

I know that I cannot depend on the world. In reality though, it isn't as easy to live it as to say it. I still find myself unwilling to let go of the past, unwilling to step out of my comfort zone, unwilling to accept change. We can talk about what things were like months back, we can reminisce all we want, but truth is, situations have way deviated from what they were like. As much as I want this to be like it was before, I know that it will never be the same again. As much as I wish people wouldn't change so much, they will change. And so will I.

When people are the basis of our confidence, we will be disappointed, time and time again. It is only when God is the ultimate source of our confidence will our lives be deeply rooted in well-watered soil; we will never be let down.

That's why I'm placed here. The need to focus and depend on God is intensified. I'm still learning.

I need Your guidance.

Wasn't a coincidence that I came across it I guess. It's a reminder, an extremely pressing reminder, to get off the couch and DO something. Yes...

It's been an interesting week. Couple of things here and there. It wasn't too pleasant but at the end of it, I'm very thankful for these friends. There is indeed a reason, I'm still learning, still trying to change.

Brief update on my week in school. I actually passed both my Math quizzes. What on earth? It's a relatively small weightage of our final grade, but thank God! On a different note, I'm probably about to make it to my Calculus tutor's "black" list.

Amazing. Was telling Val that I had stuff to tell her, and she actually figured out the essence of what I was gonna tell her, though I didn't even mention what kinda stuff. Uh, you could call it telepathy. Lol.

May each day, thought, action, word be purpose-driven, for You.

Few nights back, after having done my quiet time, I lay in bed and the tears started flowing. Here is God's love so amazing, and there I was being distracted by one million other things during the week. My focus was way off, I was drifting further and further. Thank God for speaking to me through that verse, and thank God for the people He has placed in my life.

Thank God for the Critical Perspectives tutorial on wednesday. Our group didn't even get to rehearse once, and just went in to conduct the tutorial after allocating the parts on that day itself. It was a little scary, we totally didn't know how long each part should be, how long the whole presentation would be. Really thank God that it went rather smoothly, minus the facilitating part, and for Dr Choy interjecting lots of comments and questions in between, otherwise we'd have finished way before time. We used up the full 2 hours. So that's it, my 40% is sealed. Haha.

Yesterday's Math lessons weren't as draggy I guess. I finally understood something! Matrices, haha. And our Algebra tutor's just so amusing. He's so old, so cute, takes a whole hour to go through 2 parts of the tutorial (a typical tutorial has 6 to 8 questions and we're supposed to finish one tutorial a week), but even then, no one really understands what he's teaching. So we decided not to listen and have our private conversations. Ha. And I learnt something from English tutorial yesterday! Yay, how could you not love Phonetics. :D

Genius flew off about an hour ago. It's too bad we didn't get to meet up but it's okay, I'm so going to London one day! :D Anyway, called her up just now and she was so... Anti-climatic HAHA.

Me: Hey, bon voyage!
Genius: You should go for your lectures.

Lol. And... I'm gonna get into serious trouble soon. :/