Thank God that I passed my BTT! It was unexpected, there were at least 8 questions that I was unsure of. My heart was pounding so fast when I clicked on the "end test" button. I honestly didn't wish to fail (it'd be embarrassing), but I was already preparing myself for it. Hee. I was really shocked when I actually passed. Thank God, thank God! That's the first step to my "3am supper" dream. But come to think of it, I'm lazy to go for driving lessons.

The performance yesterday was tiring, but the atmosphere was great. I actually felt an adrenaline rush during the last session. There seemed to be a collective amount of energy unleashed on stage, and I half thought that the stage was gonna collapse. Loved the energy level of the performers.

The Di Zi juniors had an item as well, and as I watched them play, I could not help but be overcome by nostalgia. Wesley came along, commenting that I should just go up and join them cos I looked so tempted to. Lol. Yeah, I miss the days when we performed as an orchestra, when we went through thick and thin, sweat and tears in preparation for our concert day. Somehow performing with a school orchestra is just so different from a professional orchestra, the latter lacking in raw-ness and cohesion as a result of many practices together. And the sad thing is that I'll never be part of a school orchestra again (no don't tell me about university). I miss performing. So much. I miss the hard slogging as an orchestra to achieve that one common goal. I miss feeling the adrenaline rush on stage before a song begins. I miss screwing up (all the time) during rehearsals. I miss the carefreeness on stage, the freedom to let all my emotions flow. I miss the enjoyment of and movement to the music while performing. I miss hearing people say they enjoyed and were touched by the music. Despite shelving my concerto dreams aside, I still wish to be standing on stage again, performing the genre of songs that I love. Which I don't see as very possible. But it doesn't hurt to dream, does it.

I guess in seemingly small things such as these, God is speaking to me. It's just so frustrating and I can feel the bitterness well up uncontrollably. And here's where "you can't control your circumstances, but you can control your response" really applies. Yes, I am fond of saying that, but I'm really struggling. I'm still trying. To not depend on my own strength, but His.

Reality hits. Horror week ahead. She's right, I shouldn't take it all for granted. Just because my last-minute work paid off last semester doesn't mean it's going to again this semester. Hey, it's time to stop thinking the world of myself.

Your grace is sufficient.