Four Weeks Away From Home (Part 1)

Just in case you thought I died or gave up on this blog, I'm very much alive and active. The title says it all. ;)

This series of posts will cover my sights, experiences, thoughts, feelings and reflections on the three weeks I spent in Europe, and the one-week (5 days, to be precise) church camp in Batam.

I was way excited to set foot in London. That was a childhood dream of mine, no kidding. I couldn't believe that my dream was gonna come true! But truth be told, I wanted to go overseas for another reason. I was drained and needed a break. Yeah, I was on holiday, what could be so tiring, right? Which is why they say, man always looks at things on the outside, while God sees the heart. And every part of that wasn't right. I was sick of doing things as a routine, sick of weekly meetings, sick of serving, sick of trying to be a different person in front of others, sick of being under scrutiny, sick of people. I was. It was unsettling. I needed to leave. I needed a time-out. But in actual fact, I wanted to escape...

And there my escape plans came to pass. Within the first few days, God taught me a valuable lesson. It was then that I regretted being a little too rash. Was it a right decision dropping everything in Singapore to live with a couple of friends for three whole weeks? While it was great in London and Prague, a part of me wished that I was back in Singapore, that three weeks would zoom by quickly. The reason? The relational aspect wasn't going well. We were kinda stepping on one another's toes for some odd reason, and just for that, I appreciated certain people around me so much more. And even with a bunch of good friends, I felt so alone, so empty inside. That was when I really turned to God in prayer. I knew I needed to draw closer to Him. If what it took was for me to be drawn away from everyone else into solitude, so be it. I was in need of Him. And I thank God for showing that to me.

Looking back, I thank God for the rough start. Right at the start, I'd requested many people to pray for me, that I wouldn't be too caught up in the fun and travelling but rather, focus on Him. If it weren't for the initial discomfort, I might simply have basked in all the laughter and turned away from Him. Thank God for those moments that not only made me pray and depend on Him, but also helped me realise how I've taken several people around me for granted.

Thank God for answering my prayers too. I was praying fervently for our relationships to improve. For a few days, nothing happened. But on the third day in Prague, the whole dynamic seemed to change. There on out, we got along great. Of course, it wasn't perfect, but it did seem like a 180-degree switch. Was I amazed. I knew He'd heard my prayers and answered them. I was just so awed, so thankful, so appreciative of all that I had.

(To be continued...)

Help...

After three weeks of a fun, relaxing time, I'm missing Europe terribly, and am not looking forward to church camp tomorrow. Yeah, I'll be brutally honest. I'm scared, and I absolutely do not wish to go. I feel like I've been gone so long. My cousins asked if I could just go over to their place for a little while since they haven't seen me for a couple of weeks and will only see me next Friday, but I couldn't find the time to. I miss my family, and I want to just stay home, rest out of my jet-lag, and spend time with them.

I'm apprehensive of the rooming. I'm not saying anything about my roommates, but I'm not close to them at all. It makes me feel awkward.

I'm terrified of the shepherding responsibility. I'm required to shepherd 4 girls, 2 whom I'm not close with, 2 whom I've not met. I don't deny my eyes nearly popped out when I saw my name as a shepherd. Me? Of all people? I know I won't make a good one.

Then that's where faith comes in isn't it? I'm way out of my comfort zone this time, in rooming and responsibility. I can't do it. I can't click with people naturally. I can't lead. I can't reach out. But there's one thing I can do, and that is to trust God with all that I can't. It's always a choice. I can stay in my dread mood, or I can go expecting Him to work. I feel that right now, I do not have the capacity to trust. But let me remember that God is way bigger than my thoughts and emotions put together.

I'm physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually down. Lord, I really, really need You. Please prepare my heart, and work in it...

Don't run out on your faith...