You know how they say, everything that can go wrong will go wrong. It certainly seemed like a week gone wrong. It was a rough start, and proceeded to get worse day by day. I felt like the day's current was just pushing me back to shore each time I attempted to swim out. I felt like I was insignificant. I felt like a primary school kid, getting scolded and punished by this... Big, scary person. I felt that any ounce of pride I had left was completely crushed. I felt so tired I wanted to crash. I felt like I was getting summoned onto "judgment seat". I felt terrified. I felt despairingly helpless. I felt suffocated with never-ending work. I felt like screaming out what was in my heart, but there were too many people around. I felt flustered, and extremely stressed. I felt afraid. I felt indignant. I felt so scared I wished a hole would appear on the ground and swallow me up. I felt embarrassed. I felt humiliated. I felt guilty. I felt that I was the saddest person on planet earth.

No kidding, my tears would just flow and I'd sit there feeling very, very miserable. I've been shutting the world out somehow, feeling too sick and tired to hold any substantial conversation with anyone much less talk about my life, getting annoyed... Basically, I've been wallowing in self-pity and feeling extremely sad for myself. Until I came across a devotional passage.

"A Christian worker has to learn how to be God's man or woman of great worth and excellence in the midst of a multitude of meager and worthless things. Never protest by saying, "If only I were somewhere else!" All of God's people are ordinary people who have been made extraordinary by the purpose He has given them. Unless we have the right purpose intellectually in our minds and lovingly in our hearts, we will very quickly be diverted from being useful to God. We are not workers for God by choice."

- Extract from Submitting to God's Purpose, Oswald Chambers

It was easy to be all praise and fire for God right after the Philippines trip where I'd just seen God work miracles and do the impossible. What about when life hits the valley? Is God not the same God that worked on the mountaintop? We don't choose the circumstances we want to be in. God does. And He places us where we are for a purpose. I don't see what good can come out of where I am now. But God sent me to the Philippines for a reason. To learn to put my faith of a little seed in a great God. Trust that He has a reason for whatever I'm going through, that He'll provide His strength, His grace, His love, His wisdom, that He'll use me, that all things will work together for good. After all, it's only when our strength comes to an end that His will begin.

Thank God for speaking to me. And thank God for something that happened out of the blue, something so small, yet so encouraging. God is good, all the time! :)

When you don't have the energy to talk about your life, just say you're okay.

I've been feeling indignant. My timetable's... Screwed up. My lessons are short, my days are long. I'm separated from friends, even acquaintances, and thrown into a sea of unfamiliar faces. My timings clash with everyone else's. The modules are getting so tough I don't even know what I'm learning and I can't do anything about it. The deadlines and tests come gushing in without stopping. Not even a one-week break, and there's two months to go. I feel that people are talking too much and listening too little. Pushing too hard... To say it the best I can, I'm fed-up.

But God has been speaking to me and teaching me lessons. Sunday's sermon talked about the Cherith experience. The take-home point? The brook that provided Elijah with water dried up. I enjoyed going to school last semester. I hung out with those close friends everyday. They were always just there. I guess I had so much fun in school, I didn't feel like I needed to spend time with Him. Which actually explains my spiritual downness at that time. Well, it's a different story now. I believe God wants to give us gifts. But when the gift takes our eyes off the Giver, He takes it away.

Someone shared recently, that God doesn't take away our comforts to make us uncomfortable, but to shift our dependence onto Him. It's been a tough period. And I can't seem to talk to anyone about it. But each night as I lie in bed all lonely and miserable, I'm just so thankful that there's Someone I can talk to anytime, anywhere, on anything. It shows me how much I need Him, and how much He loves me.

On a side note... That was such a struggle. I was sure it wouldn't turn out well. I prayed not for a good grade, but for a thankful heart despite a bad grade. You gave me a good grade. I didn't see it coming, I don't think I deserve it. But once again, Your grace still amazes me. Humble me, and allow me to give You all the glory. Because based on my own efforts, it's impossible.

I just want to draw near to You.